Uncontrolled, July 1934 - Ursula Wise tackles the tricky problem of a little boy who shows affection in an aggressive way that hurts other babies and children

July 25, 1934 in The Nursery World

Uncontrolled

A little boy who shows his affection by biting and pinching 

“Perplexed” writes:- “Would you please advise me how to deal with my small son aged two and a half years? My particular problem is that he will show his affection – or feelings of some sort, by grabbing hold of people, clenching his teeth and biting or pinching them. It seems always that bare flesh has this effect on him, for instance, a little girl’s bare legs will either get violently kissed and caressed or just as violently pinched. Today he has worried me very much by biting the finger of a friend’s six month old baby and a few days ago he almost throttled another small child by putting his hands round his throat and squeezing it. How does one deal with this sort of thing – reasoning is hopeless, as he says quite readily that he is sorry but does a similar thing a little while afterwards. My husband thinks a sharp smack at the time is the best thing,  but I feel  it wouldn’t be wise because I don’t think he is actuated by unkindness or naughtiness – simply an exuberance of feeling that he is unable to control; but how can I help him to learn control at his age? He is a high-spirited, excitable child, very intelligent for his age, but with an affectionate disposition. 

Many little boys of about this age tend to be rather violent in their affection, but grow through it quite normally during the following year. Your little boy feels this impulse of violent affection rather more strongly than most, and for that reason he ought certainly to have very careful supervision. I would not, for example, leave him alone with children younger than himself, whom he might seriously hurt.  But otherwise I  should not worry unduly about it. Punishment would not help. Severe punishment might stop him doing it , but would be certain to lead to serious emotional difficulty later on. I would not try to reason with him; as you say, the impulse is too strong to be affected by reason. But I would definitely let him feel that you would not allow him to hurt other children. I would say quite clearly and calmly that other people don’t like that to be pinched or grabbed, and that you don’t want him to do that. I would show him that you take it for granted that he will learn to be more gentle in his feelings of affection, and otherwise I would rely upon careful supervision to prevent his doing any real harm by hurting or frightening other children. I have found with boys who had a tendency to bite, out of the exuberance of affection, that this simple matter-of-fact way of dealing with it: “No, I don’t want to be hurt,” or “I won’t let you hurt so-and-so,” was the best possible way of helping the child to learn control this impulse. Sometimes a boy of, say, three and a half will say: “I’m going to bite your finger”; and if, instead of scolding and reproaching, one says: “Thank you, but I don’t want to be bitten, I don’t like being hurt,” he will say: “All right, I will kiss you instead.” Very often they grow out of this tendency by three and a half of for years. It is really only a matter of time and of avoiding such violent treatment as to frighten the boy himself.”

Shyness is often a sign of self-defence, 1931 - Ursula Wise talks about giving children time to come out of themselves.

October 14, 1931 in The Nursery World

Shyness is often a sign of Self Defence

“A.B.C." writes: “I should be very glad if you help me over a difficult problem that has arisen with my little girl of two years and eight months. She is really quite a sociable and friendly little girl, who very much enjoys the company of others, but always makes me feel awkward when I take her out of have people to see us. When you ask her to say, ‘Good morning’ or ‘Good-bye’ she will look very solemn and say nothing but, ‘No.’ If she is left alone, after minutes or so she becomes very friendly and playful, but this cannot always be done. She will not even say ‘Good morning’ to her daddy or to me, and to most questions she answers ‘No’ in a very cross way. I feel I can never take her to see anyone that I do not know very well, as she appears so cross, and unfriendly, which is not really the case. Sometimes after having a very nice afternoon somewhere she will not say ‘Good-bye’ when leaving. I should mention that she has been late in talking, and it is only about the last three months that she has said very much. I daresay she will grow out of this, but I wondered which way is the best to treat this matter, as I am afraid if making things worse. So I thought perhaps you would know how to deal with this and would let me have your advice.’

It is a very interesting psychological problem how so many tiny children, who are quite sociable and friendly after the first greeting of strangers has safely been got over, will yet show this negative feeling in the first moment or two, and particularly will not respond to the formal greeting. It seems clear that the first signs of contact with strangers or people who are not very familiar causes a certain amount of fear in the child, and the child has to defend herself in this way by having nothing to do with them. But if the strangers do not press themselves upon the child, but remain quietly friendly and take no particular notice, the child has time to get over her defensive mood. She then discovers that after all they are not going to eat her up, and will herself make advances. It is much the best to let her discover this for herself. She is much more likely to learn to respond immediately with a happy greeting if no notice is taken of the sullenness and no attempt made to force conventional behaviour. It is really only a matter of waiting, perhaps a year or two, perhaps less and any little child who does not have unfortunate experiences of rough or unkind grown-ups will learn to trust even strangers sufficiently to greet them pleasantly at once. Your little girl’s behaviour is most common between two and four years of age. It is comparatively rare after that age, except in children who have been frightened or cowed. As your little girl is generally backward in talking, it is particularly important not to increase her self-consciousness by making a fuss about these greetings. When, however, you and she are leaving someone with whom she had had a nice afternoon, I would not hesitate to make a cheerful suggestion that she should say, “Good-bye” and to tell her that people rather like to have a cheerful parting of that kind when they have all enjoyed themselves. But I should not go further than such a comment. And if I were taking her to see strangers, I would try to let them know beforehand that she was rather shy just yet, but really quite friendly, as they would find if they wouldn’t mind leaving her alone for the first few minutes. But I would not trouble unduly about the matter in any way. 

Encouraging independence , 1937 - Ursula Wise offers tips on how to sensitively encourage practical independence.

March 10, 1937 in The Nursery World 

Encouraging Independence

“W. V.” writes: “My little boy is just four and a-half. I am worried, as he will not try and do anything for himself in the way of dressing, etc. It is very difficult to get him to do new things - even to using a fork with his pudding spoon. He is a very clean little chap but refuses to do anything for himself, and I feel that if I make him he may through nervousness wet himself and not ask when he wants to go. He is very obstinate and rather nervous, but quick at picking up things he wants to learn about and very loving. It is difficult to know what to do, as I do not want to upset him, but I do feel he ought now to be doing more for himself.”

You do not tell me anything in your letter about what methods you have already used to encourage your little boy to do these things for himself. With regard to dressing, have you tried doing something for him yourself and then suggesting that he tries to do the next thing, then doing something with him again? For instance, when doing up buttons, you could say, “I will do this one up, then perhaps you will do the next one, then I will fasten another one,” making it, in this way, into a pleasant game. I would have this encouraging playful attitude towards the whole question of his doing things for himself, not treating it as a duty which has to be performed. (If you have a Nanny, you could get her to use the same method.) I wonder if he has been treated too much as a baby altogether, if, for instance, he has had a Nanny who has done everything for him? This is a supposition on my part, because you do not give me much sufficient information in your letter to discover the cause of your difficulty with your boy. If this is correct, however, and the boy had had a Nanny, who has done too much for him, it would not be surprising that that he showed this lack of independence now. The best way to encourage independence in a child is to make use of the very first attempts which he makes towards self-help, and to follow the lead which he gives you in this way, by providing the right materials and opportunities for the employment of his efforts towards independence. If we do not make use of these first, spontaneous efforts towards self-help, the child sometimes gets discouraged, and gives up the attempt, and then we find it much more difficult later on to arouse the interest in doing things for himself which will lead to the independence we desire. Now, with a boy your son’s age, I would provide him with plenty of active occupations, outdoor and indoor, and with material for the development of manipulative skill – hammering, building, cutting out modelling, etc. If possible, I would let him have a climbing frame, and sandpit and water in the garden. He might also like gardening itself, if you gave him a small patch of garden of his very own. All these things will aid him in the development of all-round self-help and independence, which should react on the particular situations of his dressing, feeding, etc. Then I would try the particular method I have suggested with regard to the dressing – i.e. a mixture of helping him yourself and suggesting and encouraging independence. But I would not press a particular point too much, for instance, his using a fork as well as a spoon. Let him manage with a spoon if he can do so, until he begins to find gradually, with the development of his skill, that a fork can be a help and not a hinderance. If you encourage his all-round development in the ways I have suggested, you will find that he will then begin to manage the cleanliness problem for himself also. I would not urge him too much about this specifically, since, as you say, you do not want to upset him in the matter. 

A difficult situation, 1937 - Ursula Wise talks about the connection between anxiety and aggressive self-assertion in her reassuring words to this bereaved boy's aunt.

February 24, 1937 in The Nursery World

A difficult situation

A little boy who lost his mother when his brother was born, and is now cared for by his Aunt, is the subject of one of this week’s letters. 

“Hassan’s Carpet” writes: “I have many problems in one small person. Bill will be four this month. He is intelligent, sturdy, and has a very charming manner. He is also obstinate to the point of stupidity. Nine months ago his mummie died, soon after the birth of a baby brother. Baby was left in a nursing home for the first six months, and I looked after Bill and his Daddie. Naturally, the shock of losing his mummie caused an emotional upset. He had been a very independent little boy, but now he always wanted to hold my hand, so much so that if he had to go up or down the stairs without me there were tears. When he was called in from play he would stand still, crying, “Auntie come to me.’ Several times at meals he made scenes, and Daddie once or twice put him into the garden when he would cry hysterically for Auntie. I reasoned with his father thus: that this shock had thrown him back in dependence on us to a child of two, and therefore we must give much more assurance of our affection. There were times when he nearly drove us crazy, but after about six months there was a very good bond of affection between Bill and me, and he seemed to be more fond of me than of his Daddie. Now just as we were getting along very nicely, Robin came home and our troubles became worse. I did try very hard at first, but I am so much more occupied that I get tired and don’t seem to have the same patience. I am a widow and have no children of my own. I just adore baby. Bill would say, ‘Do you like him?’ and I always replied, ‘Yes, and I like my big boy too.” But now he doesn’t bother and is very sweet to baby though I know you say this doesn’t mean that he isn’t jealous. Since Robin came, Bill has asserted himself in a thousand and one tiresome ways. For two weeks there was a fuss about washing hands before meals, and I would say quietly, ‘Very well, I’m hungry and I’m going to start my dinner, and every day he would say, “I won’t wash my hands, I don’t want my dinner.’ Eventually, of course, he joined me and after about two weeks it gave place to something else. Whatever he is asked to do, he just behaves like a mule. And when one is occupied from getting up to going to bed it really I difficult always to be patient and calm. I know he suffered terribly from the loss of his mummie. He was told she was dead, and for months he was worried as to how long Daddie and I would last. I always used to say cheerfully that I should live to be quite old and he could give me a piggy-back up the stairs. One day in order to console him, I told him I was growing into a mummie for him, and he asked me how long it would take me! He has always been a bed-wetter, but sometimes would be dry for two weeks. I have never scolded, but since Robin came he has been wet every morning. It is such a bad start to the day, and he whimpers because he dislikes the smell himself. I had him overhauled, but he seems to be alright physically. He demands such a lot of attention at present, and particularly at meals, either by banging or humming, or refusing food. He sometimes closes his eyes and says, ‘I won’t listen,’ or else he hums or he says, ‘I’ll do it every day.’ He really is intelligent, and if he hears a new word will use it himself the same day, and in nine times out of ten correctly. Seeing a baby animal in a field one day he asked where it came from. So Daddie told him. And three weeks later he asked me how babies grew in their mummies. So I told him. His mind immediately grasped the fact that Robin can’t do things for himself, so he wanted to know who helped the baby out when the time came. I’ve got a nagging sense of failure you see, emotional scenes are so wearing. I know it’s mean of me, but I feel I want him to be normal now, straight away. He hasn’t any children to play with.”  

You have a very difficult problem with your little nephew. The loss of his mother soon after the birth of a baby brother must have caused a terrific upheaval in his emotional life, and it is sure to take time before he recovers from the shock. Although the situation is very difficult, however, there is no need whatever to feel that you are a failure, since you have succeeded in gaining Bill’s affection, and he had begun to recover from the shock of thee experiences. Since his troubles increased after the baby came home, it is clear that this has upset him again for a time, and that the present phase of defiance and self-assertion is partly an expression of his feelings about this event. There is sure to be some jealousy of the baby’s coming home, and besides this, the baby’s coming home has probably reawakened the conflict of feeling which was aroused by the death of his mother and the birth of his brother. Although he does not show open jealousy now, this is probably being expressed in the indirect way of self-assertion. He is jealous of your love and care of Robin, and of the time you give to him, and afraid that you do not love him so much now you have the baby as well to care for. It was very wise of you to understand that after the loss of his mother Bill needed extra assurance of your love and of his Daddy’s. But he still needs this assurance - that you love him just as much since Robin came.

Independent, 1937 - Ursula Wise replies to a letter reflecting on the difference between independence and disobedience - she makes a clear distinction, commenting on the 'fetish' of obedience!

January 20,1937 in The Nursery World

Independent

“H.H.”writes: “Your advice has so often been a help to me in the various problems which crop up in the upbringing of a child that I have no hesitation in asking you to help me on our present difficulty. Carol, aged three years nine months, has always been a child with a very decided personality, and a tremendously strong will. She has any amount of surplus energy, and a great desire to be independent. She walked alone at eleven months, fed herself as soon as she could hold a spoon; had used the high lavatory seat, and managed her own knickers, etc., for more than a year, undresses and dresses herself, in fact refuses to have anything done for her which she can do herself. Added to which she is a very big child, and is often taken for five years old. Our present difficulty is over the vexed question of obedience, and as usual the situation has been aggravated by the fact that owing to illness we have been staying at my mother’s for more than a month past, during most of which I have had to be in bed. Although Carol dearly loves the grandparents and knows them very well and often stays a few days with them, she has missed her nursery, I think, and her toys and sandpit, and all the freedom she has at home, as well as the attention she is used to from me. I have looked after her entirely up to now. There had, of course, been little difficulties at home because Carol seemed at times absolutely incapable of doing as she was told, but I haven’t worried much about them, as I assumed that things would improve; but now there seems to be continual struggles. For instance, while I was writing this Granny was putting Carol to bed, and I heard her ask Carol to wait while she found some cold cream for her face. ‘No. no,’ Carol said, and began to go upstairs, so, as the light was out of her reach and the stairs in darkness Granny had to go after her. ‘Where’s my cold cream?’ she asked, and when she was told that she hadn’t been able to get it there was an outcry. This afternoon while she was out Carol refused to hold Granny’s hand when told to do so, ran away across the road, which I have always tried to teach her never to do, and then fell in a puddle, which, of course, spoilt her coat. After this Granny refused to take her any further and brought her straight home. I think Carol was sorry – or at any rate sorry to miss her walk – she is not easily moved to tears, but she cried bitterly for some time.  I suggested that as soon as she was disobedient and gave Granny so much trouble we should have to get out the reins we used when she was smaller, but she was very upset at that idea. She is so anxious to be thought a big girl. Naturally my mother is very troubled about all this. She thinks that it is most important not to give in to Carol, and to make her learn to be obedient, and if she is disobedient she must be smacked. Of course, I have never (or very, very rarely) smacked Carol. I have never minded having to explain just why she must do anything that I ask, and I haven’t ever expected what people call instant obedience. When Carol was very much younger she was a very obedient – or perhaps it would be more correct to say, a suggestible child, now she seems determined to have her own way. Apart from this she is not a difficult child. She is very intelligent, clever with her fingers, sews, does jigsaws, etc., and I have always hoped that during the next few months she would become more obedient. I wonder whether we are perhaps expecting more in the way of obedience than she can manage as yet? The question is what ought one to expect of a child between three and four? I think much of the trouble may be due to excessively high spirits – Carol has never known a day’s illness, and is very much the lively, boisterous type of child. Please give us the benefit of your experience and advise us. Have I perhaps been too easy-going in not insisting on obedience directly I speak, and punishing promptly when it is not forthcoming?”

It is surely a mistake to think of your little girl’s development merely in terms of obedience. It is splendid that she is so independent and able to do so much for herself, especially as her independence takes such a positive form, and is not mere defiance. It is quite different from a child who merely lies down and screams and says she won’t. There is such a positive drive towards skill and practical and social ability, which is obviously going to make her a splendid person in later life. It seems a pity to underestimate the great value of all these positive characteristics of the child, and it is clear that when you tend to do so the effect upon the child is wholly undesirable. She simply feels that you do not value all the good things in her and do not want her to grow skilful and independent. It is understandable that the child’s grandmother should be nervous about such a degree of independence and inclined to feel happier if the child leaves things more to her care. But such a policy is not going to help a child with these natural characteristics. I would suggest that whether or not you should give in to the child depends entirely on the particular situation of the moment. Sometimes it would be better to let the child take the lead. For example, Carol went upstairs instead of waiting for the cold cream, I cannot see why Granny should feel it necessary to go after her and put the light on. Why should the child not have been allowed to go up in the dark? If she was able to do this, it would not only do no harm but would be an excellent opportunity for developing courage and skill.  The implication that she is too little to go upstairs alone in the dark was probably very unwelcome to the child, who was feeling herself a brave and clever person. Now if she was unwilling to go anywhere alone in the dark you might write to me and say, “What am I to do about my little girl, who is afraid of the dark?” Surely this was a situation where her independence was more valuable than her momentary impatience, and it would have been better for Granny to go and get the cream and leave the child to go upstairs by herself. The problem of running across the road is a much more difficult one, because there is real danger there. But if Granny did not make a fetish of obedience as such, but only demanded it where it was objectively necessary, the child would be far more likely to give it freely and happily, because she would then know that her spiritual independence was not at stake, but that Granny had a real reason, one concerning the genuine welfare of the child, for demanding this particular act of trust and obedience.