Uncontrolled, July 1934 - Ursula Wise tackles the tricky problem of a little boy who shows affection in an aggressive way that hurts other babies and children

July 25, 1934 in The Nursery World

Uncontrolled

A little boy who shows his affection by biting and pinching 

“Perplexed” writes:- “Would you please advise me how to deal with my small son aged two and a half years? My particular problem is that he will show his affection – or feelings of some sort, by grabbing hold of people, clenching his teeth and biting or pinching them. It seems always that bare flesh has this effect on him, for instance, a little girl’s bare legs will either get violently kissed and caressed or just as violently pinched. Today he has worried me very much by biting the finger of a friend’s six month old baby and a few days ago he almost throttled another small child by putting his hands round his throat and squeezing it. How does one deal with this sort of thing – reasoning is hopeless, as he says quite readily that he is sorry but does a similar thing a little while afterwards. My husband thinks a sharp smack at the time is the best thing,  but I feel  it wouldn’t be wise because I don’t think he is actuated by unkindness or naughtiness – simply an exuberance of feeling that he is unable to control; but how can I help him to learn control at his age? He is a high-spirited, excitable child, very intelligent for his age, but with an affectionate disposition. 

Many little boys of about this age tend to be rather violent in their affection, but grow through it quite normally during the following year. Your little boy feels this impulse of violent affection rather more strongly than most, and for that reason he ought certainly to have very careful supervision. I would not, for example, leave him alone with children younger than himself, whom he might seriously hurt.  But otherwise I  should not worry unduly about it. Punishment would not help. Severe punishment might stop him doing it , but would be certain to lead to serious emotional difficulty later on. I would not try to reason with him; as you say, the impulse is too strong to be affected by reason. But I would definitely let him feel that you would not allow him to hurt other children. I would say quite clearly and calmly that other people don’t like that to be pinched or grabbed, and that you don’t want him to do that. I would show him that you take it for granted that he will learn to be more gentle in his feelings of affection, and otherwise I would rely upon careful supervision to prevent his doing any real harm by hurting or frightening other children. I have found with boys who had a tendency to bite, out of the exuberance of affection, that this simple matter-of-fact way of dealing with it: “No, I don’t want to be hurt,” or “I won’t let you hurt so-and-so,” was the best possible way of helping the child to learn control this impulse. Sometimes a boy of, say, three and a half will say: “I’m going to bite your finger”; and if, instead of scolding and reproaching, one says: “Thank you, but I don’t want to be bitten, I don’t like being hurt,” he will say: “All right, I will kiss you instead.” Very often they grow out of this tendency by three and a half of for years. It is really only a matter of time and of avoiding such violent treatment as to frighten the boy himself.”