Encouraging independence , 1937 - Ursula Wise offers tips on how to sensitively encourage practical independence.

March 10, 1937 in The Nursery World 

Encouraging Independence

“W. V.” writes: “My little boy is just four and a-half. I am worried, as he will not try and do anything for himself in the way of dressing, etc. It is very difficult to get him to do new things - even to using a fork with his pudding spoon. He is a very clean little chap but refuses to do anything for himself, and I feel that if I make him he may through nervousness wet himself and not ask when he wants to go. He is very obstinate and rather nervous, but quick at picking up things he wants to learn about and very loving. It is difficult to know what to do, as I do not want to upset him, but I do feel he ought now to be doing more for himself.”

You do not tell me anything in your letter about what methods you have already used to encourage your little boy to do these things for himself. With regard to dressing, have you tried doing something for him yourself and then suggesting that he tries to do the next thing, then doing something with him again? For instance, when doing up buttons, you could say, “I will do this one up, then perhaps you will do the next one, then I will fasten another one,” making it, in this way, into a pleasant game. I would have this encouraging playful attitude towards the whole question of his doing things for himself, not treating it as a duty which has to be performed. (If you have a Nanny, you could get her to use the same method.) I wonder if he has been treated too much as a baby altogether, if, for instance, he has had a Nanny who has done everything for him? This is a supposition on my part, because you do not give me much sufficient information in your letter to discover the cause of your difficulty with your boy. If this is correct, however, and the boy had had a Nanny, who has done too much for him, it would not be surprising that that he showed this lack of independence now. The best way to encourage independence in a child is to make use of the very first attempts which he makes towards self-help, and to follow the lead which he gives you in this way, by providing the right materials and opportunities for the employment of his efforts towards independence. If we do not make use of these first, spontaneous efforts towards self-help, the child sometimes gets discouraged, and gives up the attempt, and then we find it much more difficult later on to arouse the interest in doing things for himself which will lead to the independence we desire. Now, with a boy your son’s age, I would provide him with plenty of active occupations, outdoor and indoor, and with material for the development of manipulative skill – hammering, building, cutting out modelling, etc. If possible, I would let him have a climbing frame, and sandpit and water in the garden. He might also like gardening itself, if you gave him a small patch of garden of his very own. All these things will aid him in the development of all-round self-help and independence, which should react on the particular situations of his dressing, feeding, etc. Then I would try the particular method I have suggested with regard to the dressing – i.e. a mixture of helping him yourself and suggesting and encouraging independence. But I would not press a particular point too much, for instance, his using a fork as well as a spoon. Let him manage with a spoon if he can do so, until he begins to find gradually, with the development of his skill, that a fork can be a help and not a hinderance. If you encourage his all-round development in the ways I have suggested, you will find that he will then begin to manage the cleanliness problem for himself also. I would not urge him too much about this specifically, since, as you say, you do not want to upset him in the matter.