February 24, 1937 in The Nursery World
A difficult situation
A little boy who lost his mother when his brother was born, and is now cared for by his Aunt, is the subject of one of this week’s letters.
“Hassan’s Carpet” writes: “I have many problems in one small person. Bill will be four this month. He is intelligent, sturdy, and has a very charming manner. He is also obstinate to the point of stupidity. Nine months ago his mummie died, soon after the birth of a baby brother. Baby was left in a nursing home for the first six months, and I looked after Bill and his Daddie. Naturally, the shock of losing his mummie caused an emotional upset. He had been a very independent little boy, but now he always wanted to hold my hand, so much so that if he had to go up or down the stairs without me there were tears. When he was called in from play he would stand still, crying, “Auntie come to me.’ Several times at meals he made scenes, and Daddie once or twice put him into the garden when he would cry hysterically for Auntie. I reasoned with his father thus: that this shock had thrown him back in dependence on us to a child of two, and therefore we must give much more assurance of our affection. There were times when he nearly drove us crazy, but after about six months there was a very good bond of affection between Bill and me, and he seemed to be more fond of me than of his Daddie. Now just as we were getting along very nicely, Robin came home and our troubles became worse. I did try very hard at first, but I am so much more occupied that I get tired and don’t seem to have the same patience. I am a widow and have no children of my own. I just adore baby. Bill would say, ‘Do you like him?’ and I always replied, ‘Yes, and I like my big boy too.” But now he doesn’t bother and is very sweet to baby though I know you say this doesn’t mean that he isn’t jealous. Since Robin came, Bill has asserted himself in a thousand and one tiresome ways. For two weeks there was a fuss about washing hands before meals, and I would say quietly, ‘Very well, I’m hungry and I’m going to start my dinner, and every day he would say, “I won’t wash my hands, I don’t want my dinner.’ Eventually, of course, he joined me and after about two weeks it gave place to something else. Whatever he is asked to do, he just behaves like a mule. And when one is occupied from getting up to going to bed it really I difficult always to be patient and calm. I know he suffered terribly from the loss of his mummie. He was told she was dead, and for months he was worried as to how long Daddie and I would last. I always used to say cheerfully that I should live to be quite old and he could give me a piggy-back up the stairs. One day in order to console him, I told him I was growing into a mummie for him, and he asked me how long it would take me! He has always been a bed-wetter, but sometimes would be dry for two weeks. I have never scolded, but since Robin came he has been wet every morning. It is such a bad start to the day, and he whimpers because he dislikes the smell himself. I had him overhauled, but he seems to be alright physically. He demands such a lot of attention at present, and particularly at meals, either by banging or humming, or refusing food. He sometimes closes his eyes and says, ‘I won’t listen,’ or else he hums or he says, ‘I’ll do it every day.’ He really is intelligent, and if he hears a new word will use it himself the same day, and in nine times out of ten correctly. Seeing a baby animal in a field one day he asked where it came from. So Daddie told him. And three weeks later he asked me how babies grew in their mummies. So I told him. His mind immediately grasped the fact that Robin can’t do things for himself, so he wanted to know who helped the baby out when the time came. I’ve got a nagging sense of failure you see, emotional scenes are so wearing. I know it’s mean of me, but I feel I want him to be normal now, straight away. He hasn’t any children to play with.”
You have a very difficult problem with your little nephew. The loss of his mother soon after the birth of a baby brother must have caused a terrific upheaval in his emotional life, and it is sure to take time before he recovers from the shock. Although the situation is very difficult, however, there is no need whatever to feel that you are a failure, since you have succeeded in gaining Bill’s affection, and he had begun to recover from the shock of thee experiences. Since his troubles increased after the baby came home, it is clear that this has upset him again for a time, and that the present phase of defiance and self-assertion is partly an expression of his feelings about this event. There is sure to be some jealousy of the baby’s coming home, and besides this, the baby’s coming home has probably reawakened the conflict of feeling which was aroused by the death of his mother and the birth of his brother. Although he does not show open jealousy now, this is probably being expressed in the indirect way of self-assertion. He is jealous of your love and care of Robin, and of the time you give to him, and afraid that you do not love him so much now you have the baby as well to care for. It was very wise of you to understand that after the loss of his mother Bill needed extra assurance of your love and of his Daddy’s. But he still needs this assurance - that you love him just as much since Robin came.
I would explain to Bill that you, “have to do many things for the baby, because he is little and helpless and needs care to enable him to grow.” I would say that you, “love Bill just as much as you did before Robin came, although you are fond of the baby and like to do things for him; that you have done a great many things for Bill too, and you are going on doing those things for him.” I would keep a special period each day for Bill alone, without Robin, which you can spend in play or pleasant occupations together. It was very wise of you to answer his questions about the origin of babies so simply and frankly, and this, too, will be a help to him in gaining confidence and trust in you. The anxiety about the death of his mother will still be affecting him, and, together with jealousy of the baby, may be contributing to the present self-assertive behaviour. He feels that he is small and helpless against these terrifying events, and therefore has to assert himself in some way to prove that he is not over-whelmed – that he is a personality. Children have all sorts of imaginings, which seem very strange to us, and which the children themselves are not consciously aware of, about such events. Bill was probably jealous of the baby at the time when his mother died, and he may have imagined that his angry feelings against her and against the baby did really harm his mother. We have to take all these things into consideration in order to understand the child; and then we shall know that he needs extra love and reassurance over a log period to help him to overcome such a loss as your little nephew suffered. The best help that you and his Daddy can give him is to continue to show constant affection in positive ways. I think it would be of assistance and comfort, too, to the boy if you could let him have a pet of some kind – a kitten, a rabbit, or mice, and if it could be a female animal that would have babies, this would be a great satisfaction to him. There I would aid him in various constructive directions to gain skill and confidence, and thus to assert himself in a more pleasurable and useful ways than his present ones. Provide him with plenty of active occupations – climbing, jumping, balancing, modelling, building, hammering, sandpit and water, cutting up and cutting out paper, jigsaws, etc. Companionship with other children would also gradually help to ease his conflict. If he wants to help take care of Robin, let him do so, but I would not expect too much from him in the way of unselfishness, or reproach him if he sometimes shows open anger against the baby. With regard to the immediate problem of his refusal to do what he is asked, I would not make a demand unless there are practical reasons for it (e.g., I would not urge him be too particular about cleanliness of hands!); but where you have to ask him to do a thing, I would insist quite firmly, giving him the practical grounds for his doing it. (On the other hand, it is often possible to make a game and fun out of something the child has to do, which if he regards it as a task, he finds unpleasant.) I would not urge him to eat the food which he refuses. If he does this out of defiance, I would let him go without the food, although allowing him plenty of time, before I took it away. I would not “reason” with him. His obstinate refusal to do what you ask des not spring from anything rational in him (it is probably a desperate attempt to “keep his end up”), and therefore it cannot be dealt with by “reasoning.” Then again, let him have plenty of scope to choose what he will or will not do, wherever you can give him this freedom. But in a matter of practical necessity, make a firm request and show that you expect him to do what you want. I think you will find he will grow through his present difficulties if you go on showing him constant affection and interest in his pursuits and achievements and development of skill; and rely on time, which relieves so many troubles. Although I know how difficult it is to be patient, I think it is easier if one recognizes the fact that these emotional troubles cannot be relieved all in a moment. I would not worry him at all about the bedwetting, but since he himself dislikes it, put a small, light pot in an easily accessible place, with a torch beside it (if you have not done so), and tell him that you expect he will soon be able to wake up and use the pot so that he will feel more comfortable. 
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