Independent, 1937 - Ursula Wise replies to a letter reflecting on the difference between independence and disobedience - she makes a clear distinction, commenting on the 'fetish' of obedience!

January 20,1937 in The Nursery World

Independent

“H.H.”writes: “Your advice has so often been a help to me in the various problems which crop up in the upbringing of a child that I have no hesitation in asking you to help me on our present difficulty. Carol, aged three years nine months, has always been a child with a very decided personality, and a tremendously strong will. She has any amount of surplus energy, and a great desire to be independent. She walked alone at eleven months, fed herself as soon as she could hold a spoon; had used the high lavatory seat, and managed her own knickers, etc., for more than a year, undresses and dresses herself, in fact refuses to have anything done for her which she can do herself. Added to which she is a very big child, and is often taken for five years old. Our present difficulty is over the vexed question of obedience, and as usual the situation has been aggravated by the fact that owing to illness we have been staying at my mother’s for more than a month past, during most of which I have had to be in bed. Although Carol dearly loves the grandparents and knows them very well and often stays a few days with them, she has missed her nursery, I think, and her toys and sandpit, and all the freedom she has at home, as well as the attention she is used to from me. I have looked after her entirely up to now. There had, of course, been little difficulties at home because Carol seemed at times absolutely incapable of doing as she was told, but I haven’t worried much about them, as I assumed that things would improve; but now there seems to be continual struggles. For instance, while I was writing this Granny was putting Carol to bed, and I heard her ask Carol to wait while she found some cold cream for her face. ‘No. no,’ Carol said, and began to go upstairs, so, as the light was out of her reach and the stairs in darkness Granny had to go after her. ‘Where’s my cold cream?’ she asked, and when she was told that she hadn’t been able to get it there was an outcry. This afternoon while she was out Carol refused to hold Granny’s hand when told to do so, ran away across the road, which I have always tried to teach her never to do, and then fell in a puddle, which, of course, spoilt her coat. After this Granny refused to take her any further and brought her straight home. I think Carol was sorry – or at any rate sorry to miss her walk – she is not easily moved to tears, but she cried bitterly for some time.  I suggested that as soon as she was disobedient and gave Granny so much trouble we should have to get out the reins we used when she was smaller, but she was very upset at that idea. She is so anxious to be thought a big girl. Naturally my mother is very troubled about all this. She thinks that it is most important not to give in to Carol, and to make her learn to be obedient, and if she is disobedient she must be smacked. Of course, I have never (or very, very rarely) smacked Carol. I have never minded having to explain just why she must do anything that I ask, and I haven’t ever expected what people call instant obedience. When Carol was very much younger she was a very obedient – or perhaps it would be more correct to say, a suggestible child, now she seems determined to have her own way. Apart from this she is not a difficult child. She is very intelligent, clever with her fingers, sews, does jigsaws, etc., and I have always hoped that during the next few months she would become more obedient. I wonder whether we are perhaps expecting more in the way of obedience than she can manage as yet? The question is what ought one to expect of a child between three and four? I think much of the trouble may be due to excessively high spirits – Carol has never known a day’s illness, and is very much the lively, boisterous type of child. Please give us the benefit of your experience and advise us. Have I perhaps been too easy-going in not insisting on obedience directly I speak, and punishing promptly when it is not forthcoming?”

It is surely a mistake to think of your little girl’s development merely in terms of obedience. It is splendid that she is so independent and able to do so much for herself, especially as her independence takes such a positive form, and is not mere defiance. It is quite different from a child who merely lies down and screams and says she won’t. There is such a positive drive towards skill and practical and social ability, which is obviously going to make her a splendid person in later life. It seems a pity to underestimate the great value of all these positive characteristics of the child, and it is clear that when you tend to do so the effect upon the child is wholly undesirable. She simply feels that you do not value all the good things in her and do not want her to grow skilful and independent. It is understandable that the child’s grandmother should be nervous about such a degree of independence and inclined to feel happier if the child leaves things more to her care. But such a policy is not going to help a child with these natural characteristics. I would suggest that whether or not you should give in to the child depends entirely on the particular situation of the moment. Sometimes it would be better to let the child take the lead. For example, Carol went upstairs instead of waiting for the cold cream, I cannot see why Granny should feel it necessary to go after her and put the light on. Why should the child not have been allowed to go up in the dark? If she was able to do this, it would not only do no harm but would be an excellent opportunity for developing courage and skill.  The implication that she is too little to go upstairs alone in the dark was probably very unwelcome to the child, who was feeling herself a brave and clever person. Now if she was unwilling to go anywhere alone in the dark you might write to me and say, “What am I to do about my little girl, who is afraid of the dark?” Surely this was a situation where her independence was more valuable than her momentary impatience, and it would have been better for Granny to go and get the cream and leave the child to go upstairs by herself. The problem of running across the road is a much more difficult one, because there is real danger there. But if Granny did not make a fetish of obedience as such, but only demanded it where it was objectively necessary, the child would be far more likely to give it freely and happily, because she would then know that her spiritual independence was not at stake, but that Granny had a real reason, one concerning the genuine welfare of the child, for demanding this particular act of trust and obedience.
Since, she is so anxious to be thought a big girl, I would point out to her that big children are sensible enough to wait when crossing the road for the grown-up to go with them. I would not advise the reins, since this would not only be humiliating to the child, but would increase her compulsion to be defiant. I would say to her: “You are such a big and sensible person that I want you to show how clever you are by going across the roads with Granny. If you don’t want to hold her hand, hold onto her coat or skirt.” I would even say that Granny, too, feels happier in crossing the road if she is going together with someone else. And if they talk it over and say: “Now I think we might cross, don’t you, the road seems clear?” in a sensible and comradely way, instead of Granny treating it as a matter of authority and obedience, the child would be a hundred times safer. Her general development sounds so good that it would be a great pity to inhibit her constructive impulses and make her feel that these were not valued by turning the problem into one of authority and obedience.