Shyness is often a sign of self-defence, 1931 - Ursula Wise talks about giving children time to come out of themselves.

October 14, 1931 in The Nursery World

Shyness is often a sign of Self Defence

“A.B.C." writes: “I should be very glad if you help me over a difficult problem that has arisen with my little girl of two years and eight months. She is really quite a sociable and friendly little girl, who very much enjoys the company of others, but always makes me feel awkward when I take her out of have people to see us. When you ask her to say, ‘Good morning’ or ‘Good-bye’ she will look very solemn and say nothing but, ‘No.’ If she is left alone, after minutes or so she becomes very friendly and playful, but this cannot always be done. She will not even say ‘Good morning’ to her daddy or to me, and to most questions she answers ‘No’ in a very cross way. I feel I can never take her to see anyone that I do not know very well, as she appears so cross, and unfriendly, which is not really the case. Sometimes after having a very nice afternoon somewhere she will not say ‘Good-bye’ when leaving. I should mention that she has been late in talking, and it is only about the last three months that she has said very much. I daresay she will grow out of this, but I wondered which way is the best to treat this matter, as I am afraid if making things worse. So I thought perhaps you would know how to deal with this and would let me have your advice.’

It is a very interesting psychological problem how so many tiny children, who are quite sociable and friendly after the first greeting of strangers has safely been got over, will yet show this negative feeling in the first moment or two, and particularly will not respond to the formal greeting. It seems clear that the first signs of contact with strangers or people who are not very familiar causes a certain amount of fear in the child, and the child has to defend herself in this way by having nothing to do with them. But if the strangers do not press themselves upon the child, but remain quietly friendly and take no particular notice, the child has time to get over her defensive mood. She then discovers that after all they are not going to eat her up, and will herself make advances. It is much the best to let her discover this for herself. She is much more likely to learn to respond immediately with a happy greeting if no notice is taken of the sullenness and no attempt made to force conventional behaviour. It is really only a matter of waiting, perhaps a year or two, perhaps less and any little child who does not have unfortunate experiences of rough or unkind grown-ups will learn to trust even strangers sufficiently to greet them pleasantly at once. Your little girl’s behaviour is most common between two and four years of age. It is comparatively rare after that age, except in children who have been frightened or cowed. As your little girl is generally backward in talking, it is particularly important not to increase her self-consciousness by making a fuss about these greetings. When, however, you and she are leaving someone with whom she had had a nice afternoon, I would not hesitate to make a cheerful suggestion that she should say, “Good-bye” and to tell her that people rather like to have a cheerful parting of that kind when they have all enjoyed themselves. But I should not go further than such a comment. And if I were taking her to see strangers, I would try to let them know beforehand that she was rather shy just yet, but really quite friendly, as they would find if they wouldn’t mind leaving her alone for the first few minutes. But I would not trouble unduly about the matter in any way.