The Leader, 1938 – Susan Isaacs advises a teacher about a boy who always needs to be the boss.

June 1938 in Home and School "Readers’ Questions"

Needing to lead

“M. Smithson” writes: I am a teacher in an infant school, and in my class there is a boy of nearly six, an intelligent child who talks and argues well, is clever with his hand and quite original. He is quick to notice what is going on, and good at inventing games. But the trouble with him is that he simply cannot bear to do what other people suggest, or to let anyone else lead in a game or a play. He is a very good leader himself, except that he is perhaps a little too bossy; but he will never let anyone else lead, and if I make him stand aside so that one of the other children has a chance, he just sulks and won’t join in at all.

            Don’t you think he ought to be made to learn that he cannot always be first? But it is so difficult when he feels things so keenly, and thinks he has been snubbed if I won’t let him be first.

            Such a child is by no means easy to handle; and yet one has to find a way out of the difficulty, not only for the sake of the other children who do not get a chance to show their gifts if he is always in the front rank, but also for his own sake. There are not many situations in an ordinary life when one does not have to follow as well as to lead, and be able to give and take with others.

            As a rule, when a child feels this compulsion to be the most important person all the time, this is because he has really too little belief in himself or in other people. He is afraid that other people will do things so very much better than he if they get the chance, and he can only believe in himself if he is demonstrating all the time that he has more than the others. Such feelings are fairly common at this age; but most children grow out of them as they get a little older.

            It would be worth while talking the whole situation over with him, saying frankly to him that that you knew that he was good at leading other children in the various games, but that you did not believe that this was the only sort of thing he could do. You could say you feel sure that if he would try he is also clever enough to be able to encourage others and join in the games when others are leading, and that just as you don’t make the children follow your lead all the time, but sit back and encourage them and let them invent things and for themselves, so perhaps he could help in this way too. I should say quite firmly to him that you are going to let the others have their chance as well, and that when everybody had a chance to lead the group in turn and to give ideas to the game, we usually found that there was more fun for everybody all round and more interesting things to do.

Second teething, 1938 – Susan Isaacs points out how this can have unexpected effects on a child’s behaviour and emotional balance.

October 1938 in Home and School "Readers’ Questions"

Second teething

“A.S.H.” writes: In a recent ‘Home and School’ there was an article on “Dawdling Children”. My elder daughter is of this type. Briefly, I understand the mother is advised not to wear herself out by hustling the child, but leave the child to exert herself. I have tried this. The result is that the child (aged six) - of Celtic temperament - still dawdles, is completely lost in a world of make-believe, and is quite unperturbed by the fact that she will be late for school - or anything else. It is absolutely essential that she be ready to leave in the morning at the correct time as her father takes her to school by car, and he cannot be delayed. Therefore, I have to hussle and sympathise with the hypothetical “Harold’s “mother! She has a long day  - living some miles from the school and she must have her breakfast and she must be properly dresses. I could write articles on children but - but how busy is a mother to deal with them? I shall be most grateful for practical help. The child is not selfish, is above average intelligence (this is her report form school and not a maternal delusion) but has a dreamy, thoughtful nature, which simply will not hurry. She is completely uninterested in food and sweets, is not particularly interested in games; she is insatiable for stories - likes all children - but loathes anything unkind or ugly. Her greatest punishment would be to stop her playing the piano. I threatened this: she replied “Well, I can sing”. She is sensitive to scolding, but this becomes “nagging”. Please, how am I to stop her dawdling?

           

It is very difficult for the busy mother when a child seems unable to co-operate in getting through necessary routine at necessary speed. It seems so perverse and irrational, and it is natural to feel that the child won’t hurry, won’t give up her dreaming and attend to what has to be done.

It is natural to see things in this way, and hence equally natural to urge and remind and plead and scold and to make wonder what punishments would make the child sensible. But doesn’t your own experience show that this short cut, of urging and scolding and threatening, is in fact a very long way round? It doesn’t get the result you want does it? I have never known a dreamy child made more practical and co-operative by hustling and scolding. It usually seems to have the opposite effect, to make her even more exasperatingly slow and unresponsive. Urging and scolding relieves mother’s feelings, but does nothing to change the source of the annoyance.

So the apparently longer way round, of taking time to consider what the dreaminess and dawdling might mean, may in fact be the shortest way home.

Second Teething, 1938 - Susan Isaacs explains something of the fears and wobbles that can be connected with this stage of life.

May 1938, in Home and School "Readers’ Questions" 

More on Second teething 

“F.W.” writes: Your replies are always very helpful. You mentioned once that the second teething was a difficult time for children. Could you explain this?

There are two reasons for why the second teething tends to upset children. The first is that the child feels that parts of his body which have hitherto seemed frim and solid and permanent parts of himself now become loose and move about, and either fall out or have to be pulled out. He does not know and cannot know that this is a perfectly ordinary proceeding, which every child goes through.

Very often he fears that things won’t end here. If his teeth can come loose and come out, what about his finger nails and his fingers, and arms and all parts of his body? Sometimes the child is quite aware that he fears that he may come to pieces altogether, sometimes he just had a vague dread, which those of us who are specially studying children have come to know means an unconscious fear that his body will fall to pieces.

Stammering, 1938 - Susan Isaacs advises her corespondent that dealing with this is entirely a matter for professionals.

May, 1938 in Home and School "Readers’ Questions"

Stammering

“P.C.S.” writes: - I have been wondering if you could give me some advice for my little boy, P., aged six years. This last twelve months he has been stammering rather badly and I cannot account for it. He is quite normal and healthy and quite up to the average in his class.

            He is of a very excitable nature and is never happier than when dressed up as a cowboy and ‘shooting’ everybody.

            I have tried making him talk slowly, but this is inclined to aggravate him, as he walks away without having finishes what he wants to tell me.

            He is a good sleeper, goes to bed regularly at 7 o’clock and sleeps the clock round.

            I should be very grateful if you could give me come course to adopt to help him, as I am so afraid of it becoming permanent.

            I cannot tell from the facts you give in your letter what the cause of your boy’s stammering may be, not unfortunately can I advise you how to deal with it, since stammering is one of those things you cannot deal with unless you know what had led to it. if the boy is so very excitable, probably there is some very strong emotional conflict behind the stammering.

The emotional on the body, 1939 - Susan Isaacs writes to a teacher about emotional conflict expressed on the body.

June 1939 in Home and School "Readers Questions"

“M.G.” writes:

I wonder if I might ask for your advice about a young pupil of mine - a boy aged nine and a half? His general intelligence is normal, but he seems to have considerable difficulty over muscular control. His walk is poor, the right leg is thrown out as if not under full control. His stance is bad as he has a nervous thrust forward on the left shoulder, and he seems to find some difficulty in sitting or standing peacefully and still. His handwriting and handwork are laboured and slow, with the remarkable exception of the double-handed action of playing the piano at which he excels. He gives moreover an impression of nervous tension.

There are, however, circumstances which might help to explain this. His parents have both been, perhaps, a little over anxious for his success: he is being“chased’ by a rather more placid and easily successful brother of six and a half. Moreover, his father says that he, as a boy, had something of the same nervous movements. I may add that the child has been thoroughly examined for any physical defect and that none has been found.

When this lad was learning to write, he showed a preference for the use of his left hand. He was, however, told to employ the right. Both his parents and I are anxious to know whether you would consider that his defects are in any way the result of this forcing of the use of the right hand. If so, would you think it any advantage at this stage to revert to the use of the left hand? Is it an action that would cause a temporary set-back as he no longer prefers his left hand?

We should be very grateful for your opinion in this matter and of any other advice in his treatment that you think might be helpful to him.

Yes, I would certainly believe that the interference with the boy’s preference for the use of his left hand has contributed a good deal to his difficulties in muscular control. The picture you draw of his ways of movement shows so vividly the feelings of conflict which underlie this awkwardness in movement.

You say his right leg is drawn out as if not under full control, and yet his left shoulder is thrust forward in a nervous way. One can hardly imagine a more vivid picture of conflict of impulses which is being expressed in a bodily form; and doubtless it is being expressed in a bodily form because it was a bodily habit, namely the use of the left hand, which was interfered with by his parents. This has apparently increased the while body tension and the anxiety connected with bodily movements.

You refer to the remarkable exception of the double-handed action of playing the piano, at which he excels. Evidently he is good in this series of movements just because there is no conflict of left and right, but both join together in harmony. I should surmise that the left and right hand, the left and right side of the body, and the question of which should come first or which should be used for any particular purpose, have taken up the whole of the boy’s emotional conflict about his relations to people: the conflict between love and hate, and between father and mother.

Learning to Speak, 1933 - Ursula Wise reassures parents not to worry re slower speech and give some tips on how to help.

March 15, 1933 in The Nursery World

Learning to Speak

Boys are generally later than girls in the whole of their speech development

“Worried” writes: “I have been watching with great interest the letters to you and from you which appear in The Nursery World. I have four children under my care. It is about the two and a quarter year old little boy that I wish to ask your advice. He is very backward, and we cannot get him to say one word, not even yes or no! He just screams if he wants or does not want a thing, but will never say a definite word. He understands all that is said to him and will do things he is told to do, such as put his foot or hand into a garment, etc. Can you give me any help in this matter?”

It does sometimes happen that an intelligent boy does not begin to speak until this age, or even a little later. Boys are, in general, later than girls in beginning to speak, and in the whole area of their speech development. Even as late as two and a quarter one does not need to feel afraid that there is anything abnormal; especially since your boy shows that he understands everything that is said. He may begin ay any time quite suddenly, but there certainly are ways of helping him over the first steps. One way is undoubtedly to avoid scolding him or reproaching him for not speaking, since that only gives him a sense of power from his refusal to speak, and what you want is for him to find that he has more power by learning to speak. There is probably some emotional reason for his refusal.

Going back to babyhood, 1933 - Ursula Wise advises a mother who is concerned that her son has regressed since going to school.

December 13, 1933 in The Nursery World

Going Back to Babyhood

A little boy whose attendance at school has made him rather less than more independent is the subject of this week’s letter

“Perplexed” writes: “I should be most grateful if you could advise me on this problem with my small son, aged 4 ½ years. He has been brought up to be as independent as possible and was able to feed and dress himself at a very early age. He has always been encouraged to play games which made him think for himself. As he is an only child we wished him to have the companionship of other children, so at the age of four we sent him to a Montessori school, in the morning only (we moved specially to be near this school, as we both think it such a splendid system of education). For the first two days he was most terribly upset and there were dreadful scenes every morning. He was not used to being with other children, neither was he used to my leaving him anywhere, but I thought it best to persevere for his own sake, and at the end of a fortnight he began to settle down, and later was thoroughly happy and looked forward to going. After a while we began to notice that he was becoming less independent at home – wanting us to do things for him – help him dress, etc., and generally behaving very babyishly until now he is far more of a baby than he was a year ago. He makes a dreadful fuss if he falls over, whereas before he would really bear troubles without a whimper. He is also speaking in a more babyish way, and is inclined to whine at re least thing. He even wanted me to feed him the other day! The Montessori teacher says she has noticed it too, that when he first went he was far more independent than now. He wants her to help him on and off with his clothes, whereas he can do them perfectly well by himself, and she says he does not attempt to help himself to any of the apparatus as he did at first. He sits and waits for her to give him something to do. He is in his third term there, last term there were nine children (two younger than himself) and this term there are only four (one younger than himself). From birth he has been an exceptionally bad sleeper, he is often awake for three to four hours in the night. He is rather better than he was, as perhaps four nights out of the seven he will sleep form about 6.30 p.m. to 6 a.m., and the other three nights he will be awake for hours, but at one time it was almost unknown for him to sleep all night. He has a pleasant bedroom of his own and we are out in the fresh air as much as possible. He has had one or two bad illnesses, but is above average height and weight for his age and has been in perfect health. We are quite at a loss how to account for the change in him, and do not seem to have had any success in dealing with it; he seems to be getting more of a baby daily! I might add that at about the age of 2 years he started temper scenes and would have one daily for perhaps a week (for the most trifling reason) and then perhaps he would be all right for two or three weeks and the start again. He is still the same, although at school I am told there is no sign of temper. He is very energetic and seems to find it difficult to sit still for long at a time. he is very affectionate, and if with a tiny child he is most paternal and gentle with it.”

It is most unusual for a child who is sent to a good nursery or Montessori school to ‘progress’ in the way your boy has done. It is not easy to surmise the possible reasons for this change. It might be that he hopes half consciously that if he becomes a baby again he will be allowed to stay at home with you and not have to go to school. I hesitate to make this suggestion, as I am always reluctant to criticise in the dark, and one knows, moreover, that children even in excellent nursery schools may have certain difficulties in their emotional life. And yet it would seem to be true that if the child were emotionally satisfied as school he would not have such a need to make himself be a baby so as to stay at home. It is quite possible that the fact that there are now fewer children in the school than there were has frightened him. He may even feel that his own tempers and resentment at having to be with other children, which he felt in the beginning, have driven these other away. In view of what you say about his being such a bad sleeper from birth, and having been liable to severe tantrums, there seems no doubt that there is some long-standing emotional difficulty, of which the present babyishness is simply one phase. I do not think that you can do otherwise than go on steadily, making the general conditions of his life as satisfactory as possible, continuing him at school and encouraging him in every possible independence at home.