December 13, 1933 in The Nursery World
Going Back to Babyhood
A little boy whose
attendance at school has made him rather less than more independent is the
subject of this week’s letter
“Perplexed” writes: “I should be most grateful if you could
advise me on this problem with my small son, aged 4 ½ years. He has been
brought up to be as independent as possible and was able to feed and dress
himself at a very early age. He has always been encouraged to play games which
made him think for himself. As he is an only child we wished him to have the
companionship of other children, so at the age of four we sent him to a Montessori
school, in the morning only (we moved specially to be near this school, as we
both think it such a splendid system of education). For the first two days he
was most terribly upset and there were dreadful scenes every morning. He was
not used to being with other children, neither was he used to my leaving him
anywhere, but I thought it best to persevere for his own sake, and at the end
of a fortnight he began to settle down, and later was thoroughly happy and
looked forward to going. After a while we began to notice that he was becoming
less independent at home – wanting us to do things for him – help him dress,
etc., and generally behaving very babyishly until now he is far more of a baby
than he was a year ago. He makes a dreadful fuss if he falls over, whereas
before he would really bear troubles without a whimper. He is also speaking in
a more babyish way, and is inclined to whine at re least thing. He even wanted me
to feed him the other day! The Montessori teacher says she has noticed it too, that
when he first went he was far more independent than now. He wants her to help
him on and off with his clothes, whereas he can do them perfectly well by
himself, and she says he does not attempt to help himself to any of the
apparatus as he did at first. He sits and waits for her to give him something
to do. He is in his third term there, last term there were nine children (two
younger than himself) and this term there are only four (one younger than
himself). From birth he has been an exceptionally bad sleeper, he is often
awake for three to four hours in the night. He is rather better than he was, as
perhaps four nights out of the seven he will sleep form about 6.30 p.m. to 6
a.m., and the other three nights he will be awake for hours, but at one time it
was almost unknown for him to sleep all night. He has a pleasant bedroom of his
own and we are out in the fresh air as much as possible. He has had one or two
bad illnesses, but is above average height and weight for his age and has been
in perfect health. We are quite at a loss how to account for the change in him,
and do not seem to have had any success in dealing with it; he seems to be
getting more of a baby daily! I might add that at about the age of 2 years he
started temper scenes and would have one daily for perhaps a week (for the most
trifling reason) and then perhaps he would be all right for two or three weeks
and the start again. He is still the same, although at school I am told there
is no sign of temper. He is very energetic and seems to find it difficult to
sit still for long at a time. he is very affectionate, and if with a tiny child
he is most paternal and gentle with it.”
It is most unusual for a child who is sent to a good nursery
or Montessori school to ‘progress’ in the way your boy has done. It is not easy
to surmise the possible reasons for this change. It might be that he hopes half
consciously that if he becomes a baby again he will be allowed to stay at home
with you and not have to go to school. I hesitate to make this suggestion, as I
am always reluctant to criticise in the dark, and one knows, moreover, that
children even in excellent nursery schools may have certain difficulties in
their emotional life. And yet it would seem to be true that if the child were
emotionally satisfied as school he would not have such a need to make himself
be a baby so as to stay at home. It is quite possible that the fact that there
are now fewer children in the school than there were has frightened him. He may
even feel that his own tempers and resentment at having to be with other
children, which he felt in the beginning, have driven these other away. In view
of what you say about his being such a bad sleeper from birth, and having been
liable to severe tantrums, there seems no doubt that there is some
long-standing emotional difficulty, of which the present babyishness is simply
one phase. I do not think that you can do otherwise than go on steadily, making
the general conditions of his life as satisfactory as possible, continuing him
at school and encouraging him in every possible independence at home.
I should
not give way to his demands for help in things that he really can do himself.
It would be a mistake to adapt yourself to his wish to be a baby. On the other
hand, I would let him have plenty of your companionships outside the school
period in his play activities, and I would show myself willing to help him in
things that he cannot yet do altogether for himself. That is to say, do not let
him feel that he has either got to be completely independent and grown-up or a
baby who cannot do anything for himself. Let him feel that you will do things
for him, but not those that he really can do. Share, for example, in his
gardening or building or modelling. Read him stories and verse, and in general
give him real companionship. It seems to me just possible that the independence
was overdone in the early period of development, since you say that he was able
to feed and dress himself at a very early age, and that you have always been
encouraging him to make him “think for himself.” It may be that this has been
carried so far that this has put some strain upon the child’s feelings, and
that when he was first taken to school it then seemed to him that the results
of being independent were that one had to part from one’s home and one’s
mother, whether one wanted it or not. I should try to temper the situation for
him in the way suggested, by being willing to do some things for him, and share
his play, without urging him on to independence all the time. It is so easy in
the education of little children to be too extreme in one direction or another,
and the whole art lies in adapting to the child’s real needs at the moment, and
tempering one’s demands to what can really be achieved. When he wants you to
feed him or talks in a babyish way, I should take this quite good-humouredly.
Do not reproach him or call him a baby, but turn it into a joke, without giving
in to his demand. If the trouble did not clear up within the next few months,
then I think you would be well-advised to get help from a psychological
specialist, as it would then seem likely that the difficulty sprang form a
deep-seated trouble.
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