Four Years Old, 1937 - Ursula Wise reassures a parent who is 'worrying unnecessarily' about her child's reluctance to play with other children.

January 13, 1937 in The Nursery World

Four years old 

A little girl who will not play with other children, although she is perfectly friendly with grown-ups is the subject of one of this week’s letters answered by Ursula Wise.

"M.C.” writes: “Do you consider this a problem, and if so how would you recommend me to solve it? My family consists of three – boys, nine and six and a girl, four. Before we went home on leave last March the little girl played happily with others, but I think possibly her brother of six, who is devoted to her, very often broke the ice for her. (The nine-year-old was at school in England and now the six-year-old has joined him.) In England we did not see many other children, but she was always ready to play with the boys, though they rather scorned her. She went through a very naughty and whiney stage till three-and-a-half, under an unsuitable, too devoted Nannie. She is now a really charming little girl, full of life, and mischief, but reasonable, obedient and popular with grown-ups. But she will not play with other children. She is perfectly happy with her Nannie or me, or other grown-ups, or even playing by herself, but if other children come, she clings to Nannie or me. Occasionally she is all right with older children, especially boys. A possible explanation is that when we were in England, I left her with her brothers in their very happy Nursery School, while my husband and I were staying with people. She was happy there, but I think occasionally felt the want of someone who was her own to look after. Also, I had not really explained to her that I was going away, and for some time afterwards she could not bear me out of her sight. Do you think it important that she should be encouraged to play with others when she is so much happier alone? Do you consider the that time will put an end to this phase? I could try leaving her alone with her little friends when they come, and this might ease things a bit. She is slightly shy with strange grown-ups on occasions, but very friendly normally, and everyone likes her. I fear children will not care for her if she refuses to play with them! If everything goes according to plan I shall not need to send her to boarding school till she is twelve, as we should be in England when she is six, for six years, so she has plenty of time to get over her shyness.” 

            

You are worrying unnecessarily about your little girl’s reluctance to play with other children. It seems quite understandable in all the circumstances of her history, and it often occurs at her age, even with children who have had a more ordinary life than your little girl has. I expect you are right in feeling that she is afraid of letting you go away for her, and probably she feels the loss of her brother very much indeed, and may be afraid to become warmly attached to any other child, since that, too, might lead to a similar loss. But the next two or three years should see a change in her attitudes in these respects especially if you do not try to force her to play with other children. I would give her plenty of opportunity, but would not urge or worry her about it. I would not even comment upon it and thus make her self-conscious. When you have little friends to play with her, play with them yourself, too. Give her the experience of playing with other children through your own companionship as bridge. When she goes to her day school in England she will probably make friendships naturally, and her development will fall on normal lines. 

Should a child of two learn to read, 1933: Ursual Wise shows us that the debate about how to learn to read is not new!

December 27, 1933 in The Nursery World

Should a child of two learn to read?

“K.L.K." writes: - “I should be most grateful for your advice about my small son aged 2 years and 6 months. Bill is a healthy, happy child, and has so far shown no signs of ‘nerves’ in any direction; he is forward for his age and quick to pick things up, but is nothing exceptional either mentally or physically. My problem is this: Does it matter his learning and frequently playing with a set of large, painted wooden letters, which were given him a month ago. He has never been taught the letters as a lesson, but by continually playing with the set during his ‘after-tea’ romp and asking which their names are , he now knows the entire alphabet, with three exceptions – but not , of course, in their correct order, and is starting to want to know how to make them into words. Do you consider that it would be ‘pushing’ him to encourage the word making – I do not mean exactly teaching him, but rather continuing the letter game a stage further. I do not know at what age it is usual for a child to know his letters. 

During July I took Bill and his sister, aged 1 year, to the sea with two older children, and during the time we were there – he was 2 years and 2 months then – he picked up, and took enormous pleasure in repeating ten nursery rhymes, usually without any hesitations or mistakes; but quite suddenly about a month after we came home gave this up completely, and I have no idea if they are forgotten or only tired of, and do not want to press the point. If you consider it a good thing for him to continue the letters and word making, I should be so glad of your advice as to how to prevent a repetition of the nursery rhyme ‘forgetfulness.’ He has picked the letters up without the smallest effort, and I do feel it would be such a pity to have to start really learning them in a year or so’s time. This problem has actually arisen with a friend’s child, aged four, who now has no idea of the letters with which he was familiar a year ago. I should be so interested to know what the normal 2 ½ year old is expected to know – letters, numbers and general knowledge. Bill has a small pedal car and when out with me in the real car, said, “My car goes with pedals, how do you make your car go, and why does it stop?” Which looks as if he is at the least beginning to do something in the way of thinking out problems for himself. He can ‘say’ numbers up to nine – I have no idea where he picked them up, but has no idea of really counting accurately, further than three. Also, a short time ago he bombarded me with questions about eggs – ‘Where do they come from?’ – and, ‘You say the chick-chick lays them, but does she make them?’ I replied ‘Yes, of course, she does,’ which satisfied him, and he has never mentioned it again; but I cannot help wondering how to cope with that problem too, as I feel he is far too young to understand any real explanations and I am so very much against the ‘gooseberry–bush’ method with such questions.”

The normally intelligent child of two and a half is not, as a rule, actively interested in letters, and very few children, indeed, at this age, have begun to learn letters. It does occasionally happen that a highly intelligent child begins to recognise words and to read simply at this age, but it is very rare. Where a child really wants to learn words he meets in the ordinary course of life, for example, names of shops, posters and advertisements, there is no reason why he should be stopped. But that is quite different from expecting children of two and a-half to know anything about letters. A great many educationalists would like to postpone any formal learning of reading until seven years of age, and it has been found that children who do not begin until then catch up perfectly well on others who have learnt very much earlier. One cannot lay down a general law. The view of the Consultative Committee of the Board of Education, as just stated in its Report on Infants’ and Nursery Schools, is that a child should be allowed to read whenever he wants to, whether that be three years of age or six years of age. We do not, however, need to feel that there is anything wrong with his not being able to read, at any rate until he is seven. 

Worrying over lessons, 1931: Ursula Wise offers advice on how to be playful with a little boy who takes his learning very seriously.

November 25, 1931 in The Nursery World

Worrying over lessons 

Our first letter this week is from the nurse of a little boy who takes school very seriously

            “L.R." writes: “Would you kindly suggest a way to deal with the following problem? My charge is almost five years old, and has been attending school since the Easter term, and this term goes to the Junior Department of a boy’s school. They teach on the Froebel system. He is an only child, and very full of life and high spirits, very determined, and has a very friendly nature. 

            “He likes going to school, and seems to be quite happy there, but the trouble is this. A sort time ago he became rather worried about some poetry which he could not remember, and about this time he was very restless at night and slept badly. We afterwards discovered that the poetry in question had not been taught to the class, except the first verse or two, but had been read to them, and the teacher explained to him that he wasn’t expected to remember that part at all. This seemed to satisfy him. I stopped reading to him at night then – I read, while he ate his supper, from ‘Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens,’ which he enjoyed very much - and since then he has slept properly as he always used to. Now the other night he was repeating the same poetry in his sleep - not for long - and he is continually saying words and finding their first letters, e.g., h-house – aitch for house, etc. This goes on all through meals and walks, except when really occupied with something. I don’t think he worries about his lessons, but he never seems to get away from them. His teacher says he is very quick at learning things by heart, and I too have found this so to a very great extent.” 

            Evidently your little charge’s pride and ambition to be grown-up which is common to most little children, are all centred upon his wanting to get on in school by remembering his poetry and learning how to spell. It might possibly be that the methods followed in the school are not quite suitable to a boy who is not yet five, but that I cannot tell from what you say in your letter. If they really do follow the Froebel system, they should be adaptable enough to the needs of even so young a boy, but “the Junior Department of a boy’s school” sounds rather formidable for a boy not yet five. However, the name given to the school or department does not really matter a bit, and lots of unwise things are done in places that label themselves “Kindergartens” and even “Montessori School.” It is therefore perfectly possible that even in a “Junior Department” their methods are quite suitable for children under five, and that the trouble arises from the boy’s emotions, and would happen whatever sort of school he is in. 

            I would certainly let his teacher know that the boy does show anxiety about learning his letters and poetry, so that she would understand that he was not a child to be urged on or criticised, but one who needed help and encouragement. And then I should try to see that he has plenty of happy free play in the garden or the open air, quite free, so that he may do really what he likes, and as much or little of anything as he feels inclined to. And when at meal times or on his walks he went on trying to spell words, I would not try to suggest that he should not do this, nor try to make him think that you would feel it a serious matter. I would rather enter into it with him as a game, as something to be enjoyed for the fun of it. In that way he will gain confidence in himself about it, have practice that will help him to get on better, and yet be helped to feel that it is not a matter of solemn and serious ambition, which he must do well in, so much as good fun and a pleasurable anxiety. As he gets more used to school life, too, he may feel his intellectual ambitions rather less intensely.  

Tiresome Children - some children have a deep need for independence - Ursula Wise recognises the great importance of the child developing their sense of self and self worth.

Undated and previously unpublished - found typed out in Susan Isaacs's archive  

'Tiresome' children

"Puffin” writes: “Being an interested reader of your excellent weekly articles I am taking the opportunity of writing to ask your opinion and advice about my little girl, just four years old. Priscilla is a most intelligent child for her age, always full of vitality and energy from early morning until late evening. She has a very great sense of imagination, is sensitive and highly strung, like most intelligent children. She has a very sweet mature character, but also very strong will and determination, which I am glad she has, and by no means do I want to break it, but it needs endless patience at times, especially as she now has a baby sister, and so it is impossible to give quite so much time, and becomes very trying when one has to stand and wait some seconds after one has, for instance, asked Priscilla to come and have her bath, and she refuses and makes a fuss if she has to come and leave off her game. I never expect her to come at once, and always give her ample warning. Also when asked to put, or help put, her toys away, she will reply in a most matter-of-fact way, ‘I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t.’ Evidently these seemingly minor episodes make a great impression during the day on the child’s mind, for every night she keeps us awake (she sleeps in the dressing room next to our room, with the door open talking in her sleep about 11 or 11.30 p.m. and again in the early hours of the morning). 

            “Last night she was evidently dreaming about putting the toys away, and saying in a most upset tone, ‘No, mummy, I won’t put my toys away,’ and on other occasions it will be some other instance that she has not wanted to do something. She has these nightmares every night, and it always applies to something she has had to do and not wanted to do. It seems difficult to know how to deal with her, as undoubtedly these dreams are bad for her, and lately she has been looking very pale and tired. But it seems that if one is always to give in to her that she will rule everyone. I have been unfortunate with nannies, and had to make a number of changes, she undoubtedly needs someone who understands her, but so far I have only been lucky in finding one nurse who Priscilla was as good as gold with, and there was never one scene after she entered the house, and yet nannie was never really cross or severe with her. Unfortunately, she had to leave through illness. At present the child has thee obstinate ways with me as well as nannie. We never smack her or approve of ‘punishments’. If she is tiresome (I don’t believe in calling a child ‘naughty’) we just put her in her cot and leave her alone til she ‘comes round’ , which is usually very quickly.” 

            I quite agree with you it would be very unwise always to give in to your little girl, or indeed to give in to her about any requests that you have a good reason for making. This excessive obstinacy is very trying to deal with, but the child’s nightmares show very clearly that it is not a mere stubbornness, but a form of obstinacy that arises from deep conflicts in her mind. This, however, does not mean that she should be allowed to have all her own way. It only means that the trouble is not mere perversity. I think you can meet her deep need for independence by giving her plenty of real choice in things that do not involve practical necessity. Let her feel that you respect her personality and her interests, and that you only insist upon her conforming to your demands when these are really necessary from the point of view of practical convenience. 

            If she gets the sense of your interest in her personal wishes and your readiness to co-operate, she will then find it is easier to agree to what you demand. That is to say, giving way to your requests will not then seem to her a terrifying thing, as it appears to be now. It will not seem to her that her existence as a person is at stake in the question of whether or not she obeys your demands. Then, however, I should certainly insist upon requests being obeyed, no matter how much fuss she makes. Only I should keep these requests down to a minimum, and have a really good reason for making them. I should let her know the reason too, and yet be perfectly firm about them. That the child can be handled successfully is shown in her happiness with the one nurse, and this must have been because she had sense of being understood, and should co-operate. I agree with you that it is better to leave the child alone in a room until she feels more reasonable than to scold or call her naughty. 

Questions of development, 1936. Ursula Wise reassures her correspondent that children can develop well despite an adverse start in life , given the right conditions.

November 25th, 1936


Questions of Development

Two readers this week ask Ursula Wise’s opinion on the standard of mental development of the children in their care.


“Somerset” writes, “I should be most grateful for your advice about my little girl, aged two years five months, who is quick and intelligent and very bonny. I adopted him at three weeks old. When he was about three, I adopted baby. She was then eight and a-half months. She was of good birth but had been very neglected. She came to me with bronchitis and running ears, and altogether in a very bad state. It seems that she had been with her brother until three months, then put in a home, where she got ill and was sent to a hospital. Therefore, when she came to me, she was no more intelligent than a very young infant, and very small and pathetic. My little son caught her infection from the ears and had mastoid, and I had to leave baby while I went to a nursing home with him. Also owing to Pat’s illness I could not give her a lot of attention for some time after his return. Then I changed maids. Now one or two people keep worrying me by suggesting that baby isn’t normal. Will you be so good as to let me know whether I should consult anyone else or wait until she has developed more? I most emphatically think she is quite normal but very backward owing to ill health, so much neglect, and so many changes of the person who mothered her. She has not yet been able to rely on any one person for love and has no feeling of stability. She could not sit up until one year and did not walk until two years and two months, although she crawled rapidly. Now at two years five months she walks forwards and backwards and runs. When she goes backwards, she says, ‘Back, back,’ as my little boy does when I back the car. She has the wee-est feet, only taking size two now, which made her very unsteady at first. She waves and says, ‘Bye-bye,’ and blows kisses. A few days ago, we were going out in the car and I said, ‘Run and say good-bye to Daddy,’ and she ran in and kissed him. I also said one day, ‘Tell brother dinner is ready,’ and she ran to the bottom of the stairs and said, ‘Brubber tea.’ If we put on the cloths, she immediately gets out spoons and forks and puts them in a row on the table, and in the mornings when toast is being made, she says, ‘Crust’ to the maid and waits for one. She also gives us sweets but always helps herself first! These things convince me she is quite intelligent. She also says, ‘Good girl’ if she uses her pot or wets her knickers. She can’t seem to distinguish, and she is often dirty also. But now she holds out Teddy and says, ‘Wee-wee,’ so I hope she will begin to understand. When Pat does anything, she tries to copy him, and gets in and out of his car and says, ‘Wide’ when she wants to ride the pony. But apart from saying, ‘Going in car’ she never puts words together. She keeps asking that question, so one day in exasperation I said, ‘No’ very firmly. Next day when I said, ‘Going in car’ she said, ‘No’ exactly as I had answered the night before. She looks very frail but is still teething. She is cutting the last now and owing to this her ears have been running on and off all the time. I think they really are better now, and I feel if that clears up and the teeth are through, she should get stronger and then she would develop quicker. She has one eye that is a little crooked which makes her look less intelligent, but I took her to an eye specialist who thought it would right itself when she was stronger. Will you be so kind as to tell me what to do- whether to give her a chance to pick up after teething is through, or whether to consult anyone? Is there any specific treatment she could have, or is the best treatment to build her body and love and encourage her? Is it bad for Pat to have her so backward? They are very fond of each other. I shall be so anxious to hear from you as I am rather disturbed by the tales people tell me of backward children and abnormal children. But I want the truth, however much it hurts. Both kiddies are legally adopted. I ought to add that baby cries for me when I am away, and if I return and she is quite happy she will immediately cry bitterly and say, “Mummie’ and cling to me. She also loves Brother dearly and days, ‘Deor’ to him, and ‘Deor dog,’ to the pup, and she calls “Coop-coop’ when the fowls are fed, and calls wasps ‘Mummie bees.’ She also knows the sounds that animals make.”

Certainly, there does not seem to be any reason why you should fear your little daughter’s being abnormal or so backward in her development that she will cause you distress. No child who has had such adverse circumstances as she had can realise the full potentialities of her natural gifts until her physical health has been completely built up and she has had years of security and comfort. There are many cases on record of children whose development has been retarded by such adverse circumstances who have nevertheless reached a normal level later on, with really good care. I don’t think it will do the little boy any harm to have her with him. They are not close together in age so that he will not depend on her for stimulus in his own development, but probably feel brotherly affection and tenderness.

On the other hand, it might comfort you against your own doubts if you had first-hand advice upon her development, and it would not do the slightest harm, would it? There might be special ways in which you could help her more, and it would certainly be a help if you had more security in your own judgements against your critical friends. If you do feel you would like to have expert opinion in her psychological development, please let me know, and I will suggest someone to you whose advice would be really helpful.

Learning to read, 1934 - Ursula Wise makes interesting points about reading and creativity.

February 28, 1934 in The Nursery World

Learning to Read 

A boy of three who can almost read but still speaks indistinctly is the subject of one of this week’s letters

“Elderly parent” writes: “I should be so glad of your advice again about my elder son, not three years and four months old. At about two years, by stopping at every house and road name, and asking what the individual letters were (the names as a whole only satisfied him for a very brief period), he learnt to know capital letters. Then he gave them a long rest, til I began to think he had forgotten them. Recently, however, this interest has revived, and has gone a stage further, so that he definitely wants to read. When told the title of a new book, for instance, he demands to know which word is which, and more often than not will spell them out. From the inside of his books, too, he has got to know a good many of the ‘little’ letters, and there are one or two small words, such as ‘of’, that he can always read. So far, I have deliberately refrained, as far as possible, from doing anything but answer his questions, except that, since the school to which he will probably go teaches ‘phonetic’reading, I have from time to time explained that, for instance, ‘D’ says ‘de.’ I cannot help feeling that at the moment this is merely confusing for him, but it seemed desirable to make some kind of link with future teaching, and to a certain extent he seems to grasp the idea. I realise, of course, that this spelling-out of words, and learning of unconnected small words, is unorthodox - but it is his method, not mine! Do you think the time is now ripe to give him rather more definite help, and to provide suitable material, instead of leaving him to choose his own? And, if so, could you recommend a book or books, please?

            “He has learnt to read numbers, up to hundreds, and to count - I enclose notes I made of this process. He knows the days of the week, too, and each morning wants to know that day, and date! But this development in other ways has by no means kept pace. He will scarcely attempt to dress or undress himself, and can only manage very big and easy buttons (a buttoning frame was treated with indifference, though he enjoyed earlier Montessori apparatus, such as the cylinders). Writing, or drawing, too, is a weak point. At Christmas, he suggested, and enjoyed making ‘kisses’ on the dozen or so cards he chose and sent out, but they were extremely wobbly, and often unrecognisable. Recently, he was given a ‘pictures to colour’ book, and enjoyed trying to do this, but with amazingly unskilful results. He has paper and pencils and crayons always available, but very rarely uses them. He can, however, thread beads on to string, and ‘sew’ picture cards with holes, quite well and likes doing them, in moderation. Though he talks incessantly and intelligently (with a continuous stream of ‘why’s’), his speech is very indistinct. Strangers can hardly ever understand him, and we cannot always do so ourselves. When this happens, he will try hard, but often unsuccessfully, to pronounce clearly, and if this fails sometimes gives a very good description of what he means. We have never worried him about pronunciation, and when he is talking to other people we merely ‘translate’ unobtrusively, when necessary. He does not seem to notice, or at any rate mind this. Should we take steps - and, if so, what steps- to redress what seems to be a lop-sided development? Or should we leave him to go his own way and pace., encouraging interests as they appear, and trusting that hands and tongue will have their turn later on. He was always backward in talking, hardly using words at all until till he was nearly two, though he understood well, and could make his wants known. But at one time, he seemed quite advanced for his age, in skill with his hands. He has a brother of one year eight months, with whom he is on good terms, and he has occasional companionship of his own age though it is difficult to arrange for this often enough. I do not know of a nursery school near here, but this term I am hoping to send him to a eurhythmics class for pre-school children - as being better than nothing! His indistinct speech is, of course, a handicap with other children.”

Yes, it would be a very good plan now to give your little boy some more systematic help in reading, since he so much wants this. There are two series of reading books which you would find very helpful: the first, Reading in Twelvemonth, published by Routledge. These books are very well illustrated and printed. The other series is The Kingsway Readers, published by Evans Bros., Montague House, Russell Square, W.C.1. You should get the Teacher’s Manual, as well as the Introductory Books One and Two, which give very simple pictures and sentences.

It is also a very good suggestion to let him go to a eurhythmics class for little children, as that will certainly help less to redress the balance of his general development. Play with other children would be the best help for this one-sided-ness of interest, and it is important to make sure that he always has attractive and useful material on the lines you describe, for painting and drawing and the use of hands generally.

There are, however, genuine individual differences amongst children in the direction of their interests, even as young as this. I should not try to urge him to thread beads and draw, but I should try to make it clear that you yourself valued those activities just as much as you did reading. Sometimes one can communicate one’s own prejudices to a child without intending to. Much depends, too, upon the material that you offer him being of the right sort. The colouring of already printed pictures is not the best help to a child in his early artistic development. Large brushes, two or three jars of ready mixed colour and large sheets of kitchen paper fastened up on a drawing board, that can be placed on a chair at a convenient height for the child to use or standing on the floor against the wall if he has a cushion to kneel on when he used it, are found much more attractive and fruitful. In one school for young children that I know, they have a very good plan. Large sheets of kitchen paper are hung on to brass hooks screwed into a drawing board, a dozen or so hung on top of the other. The child uses each of these in turn, making a design or a picture with large strokes of his brush and water colour, and then lifts each off the hooks as it is done, and puts it to dry. This kind of arrangement stimulates the child’s imaginative expression to an astonishing extent, and even with children of your boys’ age, one can get a series of most delightful designs or pictures of people and events.

Physiology and the School Child, 1935 – Ursula Wise discusses the importance of straightforward clarity and how best to achieve this.

January 8, 1935 in The Nursery World

Physiology and the School Child

Children should be taught something of the workings of the human body, and books both for parents and children to read are mentioned this week

The first two problems this week refer to the giving of information about the physiological basis of human life, and I may therefore answer them together.

            “Enquirer” writes: “Our son, aged thirteen, is going to his public school for the first time next term, and my husband wishes to tell him of the facts of life before he goes. Can you tell me of a book that would give some idea of the best way of explaining things to a boy of that age? He was quite interested in the arrival of our baby girl about three years ago, and we answered all his question quite frankly. But they only touched the fringe of the subject, and since then he has never asked another question on these matters; so we feel a little puzzled as to the best way of opening the subject again.”

            “M. F. M.” writes: “I should be very glad of your help about a subject that has been worrying me for some time. My eldest girl is now ten years old, and I am wondering when I should tell her about menstruation. I notice in most books on ‘how babies are born' they do not mention this subject. J. is a very intelligent child, but rather highly strung and nervous, and I do not want her to be worried about something which might not happen for a year or two. On the other hand, I do not want her to learn about it at school – as I did! Should I tell her now? Your advice in The Nursery World has been most valuable to me. I do not know what I should have done without it.”

There are two books I would recommend to both these correspondent, not necessarily to be put into the hands of the children, but to be used in the first instance for the purpose of reference and illustration. The first is What is Sex? by Dr Helena Wright. This is definitely not a book for the children themselves, but one that discusses the whole problem of the biological development of children and the best ways of dealing with the problems that arise in adolescence, and is an extremely useful book for parents and to read. It gives other sources of reliable information, as well as discussing difficulties in a sensible, straightforward way. The other book, which could be given either to the girl of ten or the boy of thirteen is The Human Body, by Dr. Marie Stopes, published at 3s. 6d. by Putman. Sometimes when I have recommended this book people have been a little scared about it, since Dr Stopes’s name is so intimately connected with the problems of birth control, but this particular volume has nothing to do with the question of birth control, and is different in many respects from Dr Stopes’s other writings. There is nothing in it that anyone need fear giving to boys and girls in their teens. It is a straightforward and work-manlike account of the anatomy and physiology of the body as a whole, including the reproductive processes. It grinds no axe of any sort, and confines itself to a clear statement of the dimple facts, leaving it to the parent to give guidance in the emotional and moral aspects of the family relation. These aspects of sex education – namely, the emotional and moral side, can of course, never be dealt with by giving the child a book to read. They are essentially the parents’ own responsibility, and what parents teach is bound to be an outcome of their own personal attitudes and fundamental beliefs on these matters. It is clear, however, that my correspondents have in mind not this aspect of sex teaching, but the basic physiological facts, whether of the reproductive process itself or of the fundamental physiological changes connected with growth and development in adolescence, and it is desirable that these basic facts should be given in a scientific and intelligible way to the child of these ages.