Tiresome Children - some children have a deep need for independence - Ursula Wise recognises the great importance of the child developing their sense of self and self worth.

Undated and previously unpublished - found typed out in Susan Isaacs's archive  

'Tiresome' children

"Puffin” writes: “Being an interested reader of your excellent weekly articles I am taking the opportunity of writing to ask your opinion and advice about my little girl, just four years old. Priscilla is a most intelligent child for her age, always full of vitality and energy from early morning until late evening. She has a very great sense of imagination, is sensitive and highly strung, like most intelligent children. She has a very sweet mature character, but also very strong will and determination, which I am glad she has, and by no means do I want to break it, but it needs endless patience at times, especially as she now has a baby sister, and so it is impossible to give quite so much time, and becomes very trying when one has to stand and wait some seconds after one has, for instance, asked Priscilla to come and have her bath, and she refuses and makes a fuss if she has to come and leave off her game. I never expect her to come at once, and always give her ample warning. Also when asked to put, or help put, her toys away, she will reply in a most matter-of-fact way, ‘I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t.’ Evidently these seemingly minor episodes make a great impression during the day on the child’s mind, for every night she keeps us awake (she sleeps in the dressing room next to our room, with the door open talking in her sleep about 11 or 11.30 p.m. and again in the early hours of the morning). 

            “Last night she was evidently dreaming about putting the toys away, and saying in a most upset tone, ‘No, mummy, I won’t put my toys away,’ and on other occasions it will be some other instance that she has not wanted to do something. She has these nightmares every night, and it always applies to something she has had to do and not wanted to do. It seems difficult to know how to deal with her, as undoubtedly these dreams are bad for her, and lately she has been looking very pale and tired. But it seems that if one is always to give in to her that she will rule everyone. I have been unfortunate with nannies, and had to make a number of changes, she undoubtedly needs someone who understands her, but so far I have only been lucky in finding one nurse who Priscilla was as good as gold with, and there was never one scene after she entered the house, and yet nannie was never really cross or severe with her. Unfortunately, she had to leave through illness. At present the child has thee obstinate ways with me as well as nannie. We never smack her or approve of ‘punishments’. If she is tiresome (I don’t believe in calling a child ‘naughty’) we just put her in her cot and leave her alone til she ‘comes round’ , which is usually very quickly.” 

            I quite agree with you it would be very unwise always to give in to your little girl, or indeed to give in to her about any requests that you have a good reason for making. This excessive obstinacy is very trying to deal with, but the child’s nightmares show very clearly that it is not a mere stubbornness, but a form of obstinacy that arises from deep conflicts in her mind. This, however, does not mean that she should be allowed to have all her own way. It only means that the trouble is not mere perversity. I think you can meet her deep need for independence by giving her plenty of real choice in things that do not involve practical necessity. Let her feel that you respect her personality and her interests, and that you only insist upon her conforming to your demands when these are really necessary from the point of view of practical convenience. 

            If she gets the sense of your interest in her personal wishes and your readiness to co-operate, she will then find it is easier to agree to what you demand. That is to say, giving way to your requests will not then seem to her a terrifying thing, as it appears to be now. It will not seem to her that her existence as a person is at stake in the question of whether or not she obeys your demands. Then, however, I should certainly insist upon requests being obeyed, no matter how much fuss she makes. Only I should keep these requests down to a minimum, and have a really good reason for making them. I should let her know the reason too, and yet be perfectly firm about them. That the child can be handled successfully is shown in her happiness with the one nurse, and this must have been because she had sense of being understood, and should co-operate. I agree with you that it is better to leave the child alone in a room until she feels more reasonable than to scold or call her naughty.