February 18, 1931 in Nursery World
Sensitive or “Nervy”
“Mother of three" writes: “Can you suggest a treatment for stormy crying of a boy of seven and a half, who has always been a ‘cry-baby’? I do so want him to give it up to some extent before sending him away to school in September: and yet sometimes I wonder if the cure would be quicker if we sent him next May. I have an experienced governess to teach him, and I think he is very well grounded, and in advance of his age in a good many subjects. He has always been emotional and obstinate. Others have found the same besides my governess and myself. If a sum gives him any trouble, or he happens to be in the mood, he either cries and bellows with rage, or lays down his pencil and states that he does not want to do it, and then cries. The crying is intense, not just a few tears and done with, but roaring sobs, and he upsets himself to such an extent that his brain is too muddled for work afterwards. I must add that it is not a new kind of sum which causes this trouble, but more often than not it is a familiar type, and possibly one that he has done quickly and correctly before. He is never scolded if a simple mistake is made, as his governess realises that everyone makes mistakes; nevertheless, the pointing out of a slip by her is enough to start the same flood of tears and consequent upset; in fact, he cannot bear to be wrong, and yet will not try hard enough to be right. Other subjects do not cause so much trouble, except dictation, and sometimes geography, neither of which are favourites.
“Lessons are not the only cause for this obstinate temper; he sometimes refuses to give any reply to a simple question which his elder or younger brother puts to him. This also ends in a very few minutes of bellowing rage, not from any action on the brother’s part, except possibly signs of exasperation, but, I suppose just a helpless feeling of being unable to keep silence. He is also a ‘poor sport’, and cannot take even a mild bit of teasing in good part, and yet teases his younger brother himself unmercifully in a sly fashion, waiting until he thinks the governess is out of earshot. We do not punish more often than we can help, but bad behaviour at dinner, after two or three warnings, means no sweets afterwards. His younger brother, aged four and a half, will take this occasional deprivation like the ‘little sport’ he is, watching the others eating their sweets, without sulking, or protesting, or asking the reason for the veto - he knows quite well, and accepts it. Alas! the seven-year old will bellow first with pure rage, plead for a pardon for a long time, and feel and show that he is resentful of a rule which is inflexible.
“It sounds rather as if I have done nothing but enumerate his faults, but he is an affectionate child, generous and kind-hearted, friendly and with excellent manners. Very impulsive, and apt to look for praise and affectionate demonstration, but gets almost mawkishly sentimental if he gets too much. His health is extremely good, he has never had anything more than a cold but, there again, he makes twice the fuss about it than the others do. He is at the moment full of nervy tricks and movements with shoulders and mouth, due I thought, to losing his first teeth, the two top front ones are getting loose. But the crying cannot be attributed to this alone, as he has always cried a great deal from babyhood, and yet is a strong, well grown, healthy lad, with a good digestion in fact, no delicacy whatsoever. He is fed plainly and carefully, and sleeps excellently. Do you think this crying will be given up quicker at school, or is it cruel to send such a ‘cry baby’ amongst others who will naturally laugh at and tease him? I had always thought he would not be ready for school until he had learnt some control, but it seems as if the older he gets the more intense and unreasonable the crying, and we shall have to wait a long time before we can teach him control at home. I shall be so very grateful for your kind advice as to treatment, or if school as soon as possible is the best remedy. There is not day school here to which I really care to send him; in any case, I think the result would be the same; also, it would be such a temporary arrangement that I think two different adjustments to different schools would upset his equilibrium more.”
I don’t find it easy to advise on this problem, as I think so much depends on the school the boy goes to. If the right sort of school is found, not too large, not too rigid in its methods, one where the staff is really understanding and skilful in handling individual children, then I think it is very likely that the boy will do better at school than at home. If he were going to grow out of some of his babyish ways in the home atmosphere I think he would have done already. Seven and a half is very late for this sort of behaviour, and the fact that it still goes on does, of course, strongly suggest that it is neurotic in type. The nervous ticks and movement that you describe bear this out and suggest that the boy really needs help of psychological treatment. If, however, this is not practicable and I certainly don’t know any psychologists in your part of the world, then I think it is of the upmost importance to choose the school well. The boy may begin to thrive much better in a really good boys’ school, and I am inclined to think it would be a good thing to start school in May.”
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