Imaginative Fears
A mother writes this week about her little girl of three years old who cries bitterly and clings to her whenever she has to leave her with her nurse or go out for an hour or two.
"April' writes: “May I once again ask for your help? Veronica is an only child, aged three and a quarter, and we live in the tropics where it is necessary to remain indoors between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Veronica has little friends of her own age and seems as care-free and happy as any of them, but when I have to go out there is always a scene. Veronica has an English nurse of whom she is very fond, and I cannot understand the tears. For example, nurse and I often go out together with Veronica after tea. It is very hot to push the pram alone and at this altitude, and Veronica cannot manage to walk without a pram. If I know I am going out to see friends at 7 p.m. (it is the custom here to visit at that hour) I say to nurse and to Veronica, ‘I am going to Mrs. So-and-So this evening.’ At the time it produces no comment, but on our return home Veronica will not leave me while I change, and at the moment of my departure there is always trouble. Veronica, with tears streaming down her face and clinging hard to me, beseeches me not to leave her. I have to go, and I leave her, weeping bitterly in nurse’s charge. She tries to keep herself awake until my return, which is often not till 9 o’clock. If I go to her then and assure her I am not going out again, she will fall asleep quite happily. This does not only happen at night. I sometimes have to meet the train which comes in at mid-day. It is far too hot for Veronica to go out, and unless I can slip out without her knowing there is always a tearful scene. She makes huge efforts at self-control, and often says good-bye in a ‘choky’ voice and gives us a wan smile. Nurse tells me, however, that tears return after I have gone until she gets interested in some toy or book. I find this very distressing, but I try not to show it. The only thing that will comfort her is my handkerchief, which she takes from me when I go and keeps it tightly clutched in her hand until I return.
When visiting other people’s houses, she will go off quite happily alone with nurse, so I cannot think she object to nurse personally. The other evening while we were out a friend of mine called me to her house to see some new material she had from England. There was a tearful scene; Veronica screamed, ‘Don’t leave me alone with nannie. Don’t leave me.’ I left her, but my friend was quite upset. She thought that nurse must be unkind. I am sure this is not the case as Veronica seems devoted to her without a murmur. Do you think that nurse is really nervous of being left alone and has communicated her fear to Veronica? She always says she does not mind.”
It is very distressing when a little child shows these unaccountable tears and fears. They may be due to some actual happening, but it is quite possible that they are emotional, due to thoughts and phantasies in the child’s mind that have very little to do with reality. It may, for instance be that when you go out she fears that you will never come back again, whereas when she herself goes out this fear naturally does not arise. I think it probably is something like this. If the nervousness arose from your nurse’s fear of being left alone I think you would have seen the signs of that. I hardly think this explanation a probable one. It seems to me much more likely that Veronica really fears, as lots of little children do, that mother will never come back again when she leaves the house. Now as to treatments, I don’t think you can do more than you are already doing, being gentle and understanding about the fear, but perfectly firm when you have to go out. It would not do to let all your comings and goings be controlled by Veronica’s fears. The trouble is pretty sure to get less as she grows older. It is not like leaving her quite alone, as in the problems sometimes put to me by other mothers with regard to leaving their children alone in the night. She has her nurse there, of whom she is fond, and who seems to understand how to interest her in other things. So I don’t think you need to distress yourself unduly about the difficulty, painful though it is to see such genuine fear and grief. The general happy conditions of her life will help het to grow out of the special trouble.
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