Worrying over lessons, 1931: Ursula Wise offers advice on how to be playful with a little boy who takes his learning very seriously.

November 25, 1931 in The Nursery World

Worrying over lessons 

Our first letter this week is from the nurse of a little boy who takes school very seriously

            “L.R." writes: “Would you kindly suggest a way to deal with the following problem? My charge is almost five years old, and has been attending school since the Easter term, and this term goes to the Junior Department of a boy’s school. They teach on the Froebel system. He is an only child, and very full of life and high spirits, very determined, and has a very friendly nature. 

            “He likes going to school, and seems to be quite happy there, but the trouble is this. A sort time ago he became rather worried about some poetry which he could not remember, and about this time he was very restless at night and slept badly. We afterwards discovered that the poetry in question had not been taught to the class, except the first verse or two, but had been read to them, and the teacher explained to him that he wasn’t expected to remember that part at all. This seemed to satisfy him. I stopped reading to him at night then – I read, while he ate his supper, from ‘Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens,’ which he enjoyed very much - and since then he has slept properly as he always used to. Now the other night he was repeating the same poetry in his sleep - not for long - and he is continually saying words and finding their first letters, e.g., h-house – aitch for house, etc. This goes on all through meals and walks, except when really occupied with something. I don’t think he worries about his lessons, but he never seems to get away from them. His teacher says he is very quick at learning things by heart, and I too have found this so to a very great extent.” 

            Evidently your little charge’s pride and ambition to be grown-up which is common to most little children, are all centred upon his wanting to get on in school by remembering his poetry and learning how to spell. It might possibly be that the methods followed in the school are not quite suitable to a boy who is not yet five, but that I cannot tell from what you say in your letter. If they really do follow the Froebel system, they should be adaptable enough to the needs of even so young a boy, but “the Junior Department of a boy’s school” sounds rather formidable for a boy not yet five. However, the name given to the school or department does not really matter a bit, and lots of unwise things are done in places that label themselves “Kindergartens” and even “Montessori School.” It is therefore perfectly possible that even in a “Junior Department” their methods are quite suitable for children under five, and that the trouble arises from the boy’s emotions, and would happen whatever sort of school he is in. 

            I would certainly let his teacher know that the boy does show anxiety about learning his letters and poetry, so that she would understand that he was not a child to be urged on or criticised, but one who needed help and encouragement. And then I should try to see that he has plenty of happy free play in the garden or the open air, quite free, so that he may do really what he likes, and as much or little of anything as he feels inclined to. And when at meal times or on his walks he went on trying to spell words, I would not try to suggest that he should not do this, nor try to make him think that you would feel it a serious matter. I would rather enter into it with him as a game, as something to be enjoyed for the fun of it. In that way he will gain confidence in himself about it, have practice that will help him to get on better, and yet be helped to feel that it is not a matter of solemn and serious ambition, which he must do well in, so much as good fun and a pleasurable anxiety. As he gets more used to school life, too, he may feel his intellectual ambitions rather less intensely.  

Tiresome Children - some children have a deep need for independence - Ursula Wise recognises the great importance of the child developing their sense of self and self worth.

Undated and previously unpublished - found typed out in Susan Isaacs's archive  

'Tiresome' children

"Puffin” writes: “Being an interested reader of your excellent weekly articles I am taking the opportunity of writing to ask your opinion and advice about my little girl, just four years old. Priscilla is a most intelligent child for her age, always full of vitality and energy from early morning until late evening. She has a very great sense of imagination, is sensitive and highly strung, like most intelligent children. She has a very sweet mature character, but also very strong will and determination, which I am glad she has, and by no means do I want to break it, but it needs endless patience at times, especially as she now has a baby sister, and so it is impossible to give quite so much time, and becomes very trying when one has to stand and wait some seconds after one has, for instance, asked Priscilla to come and have her bath, and she refuses and makes a fuss if she has to come and leave off her game. I never expect her to come at once, and always give her ample warning. Also when asked to put, or help put, her toys away, she will reply in a most matter-of-fact way, ‘I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t.’ Evidently these seemingly minor episodes make a great impression during the day on the child’s mind, for every night she keeps us awake (she sleeps in the dressing room next to our room, with the door open talking in her sleep about 11 or 11.30 p.m. and again in the early hours of the morning). 

            “Last night she was evidently dreaming about putting the toys away, and saying in a most upset tone, ‘No, mummy, I won’t put my toys away,’ and on other occasions it will be some other instance that she has not wanted to do something. She has these nightmares every night, and it always applies to something she has had to do and not wanted to do. It seems difficult to know how to deal with her, as undoubtedly these dreams are bad for her, and lately she has been looking very pale and tired. But it seems that if one is always to give in to her that she will rule everyone. I have been unfortunate with nannies, and had to make a number of changes, she undoubtedly needs someone who understands her, but so far I have only been lucky in finding one nurse who Priscilla was as good as gold with, and there was never one scene after she entered the house, and yet nannie was never really cross or severe with her. Unfortunately, she had to leave through illness. At present the child has thee obstinate ways with me as well as nannie. We never smack her or approve of ‘punishments’. If she is tiresome (I don’t believe in calling a child ‘naughty’) we just put her in her cot and leave her alone til she ‘comes round’ , which is usually very quickly.” 

            I quite agree with you it would be very unwise always to give in to your little girl, or indeed to give in to her about any requests that you have a good reason for making. This excessive obstinacy is very trying to deal with, but the child’s nightmares show very clearly that it is not a mere stubbornness, but a form of obstinacy that arises from deep conflicts in her mind. This, however, does not mean that she should be allowed to have all her own way. It only means that the trouble is not mere perversity. I think you can meet her deep need for independence by giving her plenty of real choice in things that do not involve practical necessity. Let her feel that you respect her personality and her interests, and that you only insist upon her conforming to your demands when these are really necessary from the point of view of practical convenience. 

            If she gets the sense of your interest in her personal wishes and your readiness to co-operate, she will then find it is easier to agree to what you demand. That is to say, giving way to your requests will not then seem to her a terrifying thing, as it appears to be now. It will not seem to her that her existence as a person is at stake in the question of whether or not she obeys your demands. Then, however, I should certainly insist upon requests being obeyed, no matter how much fuss she makes. Only I should keep these requests down to a minimum, and have a really good reason for making them. I should let her know the reason too, and yet be perfectly firm about them. That the child can be handled successfully is shown in her happiness with the one nurse, and this must have been because she had sense of being understood, and should co-operate. I agree with you that it is better to leave the child alone in a room until she feels more reasonable than to scold or call her naughty. 

Questions of development, 1936. Ursula Wise reassures her correspondent that children can develop well despite an adverse start in life , given the right conditions.

November 25th, 1936


Questions of Development

Two readers this week ask Ursula Wise’s opinion on the standard of mental development of the children in their care.


“Somerset” writes, “I should be most grateful for your advice about my little girl, aged two years five months, who is quick and intelligent and very bonny. I adopted him at three weeks old. When he was about three, I adopted baby. She was then eight and a-half months. She was of good birth but had been very neglected. She came to me with bronchitis and running ears, and altogether in a very bad state. It seems that she had been with her brother until three months, then put in a home, where she got ill and was sent to a hospital. Therefore, when she came to me, she was no more intelligent than a very young infant, and very small and pathetic. My little son caught her infection from the ears and had mastoid, and I had to leave baby while I went to a nursing home with him. Also owing to Pat’s illness I could not give her a lot of attention for some time after his return. Then I changed maids. Now one or two people keep worrying me by suggesting that baby isn’t normal. Will you be so good as to let me know whether I should consult anyone else or wait until she has developed more? I most emphatically think she is quite normal but very backward owing to ill health, so much neglect, and so many changes of the person who mothered her. She has not yet been able to rely on any one person for love and has no feeling of stability. She could not sit up until one year and did not walk until two years and two months, although she crawled rapidly. Now at two years five months she walks forwards and backwards and runs. When she goes backwards, she says, ‘Back, back,’ as my little boy does when I back the car. She has the wee-est feet, only taking size two now, which made her very unsteady at first. She waves and says, ‘Bye-bye,’ and blows kisses. A few days ago, we were going out in the car and I said, ‘Run and say good-bye to Daddy,’ and she ran in and kissed him. I also said one day, ‘Tell brother dinner is ready,’ and she ran to the bottom of the stairs and said, ‘Brubber tea.’ If we put on the cloths, she immediately gets out spoons and forks and puts them in a row on the table, and in the mornings when toast is being made, she says, ‘Crust’ to the maid and waits for one. She also gives us sweets but always helps herself first! These things convince me she is quite intelligent. She also says, ‘Good girl’ if she uses her pot or wets her knickers. She can’t seem to distinguish, and she is often dirty also. But now she holds out Teddy and says, ‘Wee-wee,’ so I hope she will begin to understand. When Pat does anything, she tries to copy him, and gets in and out of his car and says, ‘Wide’ when she wants to ride the pony. But apart from saying, ‘Going in car’ she never puts words together. She keeps asking that question, so one day in exasperation I said, ‘No’ very firmly. Next day when I said, ‘Going in car’ she said, ‘No’ exactly as I had answered the night before. She looks very frail but is still teething. She is cutting the last now and owing to this her ears have been running on and off all the time. I think they really are better now, and I feel if that clears up and the teeth are through, she should get stronger and then she would develop quicker. She has one eye that is a little crooked which makes her look less intelligent, but I took her to an eye specialist who thought it would right itself when she was stronger. Will you be so kind as to tell me what to do- whether to give her a chance to pick up after teething is through, or whether to consult anyone? Is there any specific treatment she could have, or is the best treatment to build her body and love and encourage her? Is it bad for Pat to have her so backward? They are very fond of each other. I shall be so anxious to hear from you as I am rather disturbed by the tales people tell me of backward children and abnormal children. But I want the truth, however much it hurts. Both kiddies are legally adopted. I ought to add that baby cries for me when I am away, and if I return and she is quite happy she will immediately cry bitterly and say, “Mummie’ and cling to me. She also loves Brother dearly and days, ‘Deor’ to him, and ‘Deor dog,’ to the pup, and she calls “Coop-coop’ when the fowls are fed, and calls wasps ‘Mummie bees.’ She also knows the sounds that animals make.”

Certainly, there does not seem to be any reason why you should fear your little daughter’s being abnormal or so backward in her development that she will cause you distress. No child who has had such adverse circumstances as she had can realise the full potentialities of her natural gifts until her physical health has been completely built up and she has had years of security and comfort. There are many cases on record of children whose development has been retarded by such adverse circumstances who have nevertheless reached a normal level later on, with really good care. I don’t think it will do the little boy any harm to have her with him. They are not close together in age so that he will not depend on her for stimulus in his own development, but probably feel brotherly affection and tenderness.

On the other hand, it might comfort you against your own doubts if you had first-hand advice upon her development, and it would not do the slightest harm, would it? There might be special ways in which you could help her more, and it would certainly be a help if you had more security in your own judgements against your critical friends. If you do feel you would like to have expert opinion in her psychological development, please let me know, and I will suggest someone to you whose advice would be really helpful.