Problems with Boys, 1933 - Ursula Wise disregards this child's over-exuberance as a psychological problem and advises and how to facilitate it

June, 1933 in The Nursery World

Problems with Boys

“How can I help with my boy’s over-exuberance?” asks a mother this week

"Gyp" writes: 

“My husband and I are against corporal punishment and have never applied it. I would very much like to know how you would deal with such ‘pranks’ as drawing on the walls, doors, etc. The boy, who is five and a-quarter, seems to get hold of pencils in a remarkable way and we never catch him actually scribbling. He has plenty of blocks and paper to write on. we had one nursery repapered last September, but it is already spoilt. He is terribly full of life – quite wild. He is perfectly good with me, but as soon as his daddy goes in to say good night to him he leaps out of bed and starts playing the fool, takes his pyjamas off, strips his bed and nurse’s, throws everything about and one night actually picked the jug of water up and poured the contents all over the armchair and floor. All this he thinks is huge fun and is still more amused when we do not seem to like it. If my husband says he will not say good night to him and leaves the room, the boy just rushes out all over the flat and it is impossible to keep him in is room. The only punishment we can give him is not to allow him in the sitting room with us the next day – this he minds very much. He has plenty of little friends to play with and takes a lot of exercise and is out from 9.30 a.m. till noon and 2 p.m. till 6 p.m., has riding lessons and rhythmic dancing twice a week and is in bed by 7 p.m. he is very intelligent and forward for his age and very easy to reason with except during his wild moments – I do hope you can advise me how to cope with his over-exuberance without crushing spirits.”

From the practical point of view you certainly have something of a problem with your little son. I do not, however, think you have a psychological problem. That is not to say, there is nothing in this behaviour of your boy that augurs ill for his future development. He is obviously full of energy and fun, and all that is needed, from the point of view of his future character, is the gradual deflection of this vigour and horse-play into more useful social channels. But as compared with the children who are always whining and unhappy, or merely indifferent and inhibited, your boy is well off in his psychological make-up. From the practical point of view his scribbling and his over-excitement when his daddy goes into his room must be something of a nuisance. But I think a good deal of the practical inconvenience could be obviated, and it seems to me likely also that if you based your remonstrances about his behaviour simply on the practical grounds of inconvenience, that would be more likely to have an effect in subduing his excitement to a more reasonable level than any scolding. 

Open–Air Play, 1930 – Ursula Wise privileges the value of being outside and active over formal lessons

February 5, 1930 in The Nursery World

Open-Air Play 

“C.W.” writes: “ I should be so much obliged for advice about my small daughter, aged four. I am anxious to know whether or not it would be advisable to send her to a kindergarten next term. I have found one near home, but it takes children from nine to twelve every morning, and is not keen on shorter times. G. has always been a difficult child, sleeps badly and wakens crying in the night. She is better since we moved into the country here. She is a self-conscious child, and gets very tired at the dancing class. I can’t make up my mind whether this kind of child is better doing more with other children, or whether another six months in the country  - we live on a farm, with hens and dogs and rabbits and cats, etc. – would be better. There are two other little girls on the farm, exactly her age, to play with. Should I give her lessons myself? She has a strong tendency to say in the hour supposed to be given to ‘work,’ ‘Oh, I’m tired; I would rather look at books’; and I feel this may be due to the lack of the right thing to do. The youngest child at the kindergarten is, I think, five years.”

Before deciding whether you send her to the kindergarten or not, I should, if I were you, find out two things. First, just how big the difference in age is between your little girl and the nest youngest child there. If it is not more than a few months, and the other child is not of a large, very vigorous or domineering type, it would not matter very much. But if the difference is, say, a year, and the other child is very well-advanced or a strong personality, then it would not be very good.  Secondly, how much active open-air play does the school allow? If the children there are mostly sitting still indoors, then the farm life and free play with the two other girls at home would certainly be better. If she had not other children to play with, the kindergarten would be better for her. But if you can arrange for her to spend her mornings regularly with the other two, watching animals, running, and jumping and climbing, exploring the fields and the farm, that should be a very good life for her. I would not, however, advise anything in the nature of set ‘lessons’ at her age and with her liability to nervous fatigue. You can help her best by giving her the right sort of conditions for play and things to play with, and by sharing her fun in her games and interests.  I shall be glad to hear again about your little girl. 

            

The Shy Child, March 1937: Ursula Wise talks about building confidence and overcoming fear in the shy child.

March 3, 1937 in The Nursery World 

The Shy Child 

“Ira” writes: “My little girl is three years old this month. She is, I think, shy in a strange way. The problem is dancing classes. She is very keen to dance – dances nearly all day, especially when music is within her hearing. So I started her at a small dancing class for tiny tots. V. was thrilled for several weeks, then someone shut the door of the room rather sharply and V. burst into tears. I had to be sent for, she quietened but no more dancing that day. The nest week I went along with her and stopped there all the time, but V. would not dance – just sat beside me. This has now gone on for several weeks, both of us watching the other children, but V. makes no attempt to join them, although her little body is keeping time to the dancing and music, and she seems as if she is longing to join in but just can’t bring herself to do it. Occasionally she gets down, stands in front and does a few steps, then seems to remember something and comes back on the chair. I want to know whether to continue to take her along just to look on – or to stop going for a time. As soon as we return home she is full of dancing and says she will dance next week, which she never does. The dancing mistress thinks she will get over it if allowed to watch but not asked to take part. I might add she never likes doors closed – why I don’t know – as to my knowledge she has never been frightened by a door or shut in a room. Strangely she will have her bedroom door closed – crying out if it is left open. She is quite a healthy child and very active – sleeps well. V. has a brother six years, whom she adores but cannot bear to share him with other children. She herself does not care to play with other children, and will not stay in the room with strangers but cries for me.” 

            Such sudden fears are very common in children of your little girl’s age, but they usually grow out of them gradually, with normal development. I would feel inclined to continue to take your little girl to look on at the dancing classes, if she is happy to do so, but not to press her or even to suggest that she joins in the dancing for the present. I think the dancing teacher is right in that matter. If you kept her away, the child might think that there was really something to be afraid of. But if you take her to watch the other children dancing for a period, she will gradually gain confidence, and her wish to dance will overcome her fear. I would try to guard against the event of the door slamming again, and ask the dancing teacher to co-operate in this. Let the child dance as much as she likes at home, and provide music for her to dance to, and you could join in the dancing with her yourself. You say that the child does not care to play with other children, and if you continue to take her to watch the dancing classes this will give her experience of other children, and when she gains more confidence, she may join in with them more happily. With regard to the fear of closed doors, she is likely to grow out of this too as she gets older. I would be careful to make sure that she does not get shut up in a room accidentally, and it may help her if you let her open and close doors herself.