Is he spoilt? 1938 - Susan Isaacs discusses the importance of being firmer with this child

April 1938 in Home and School "Readers’ Questions"

"L.A." writes: -

            My eldest boy, seven years old, is intelligent and sensitive, but emotionally rather unstable. He is very discontented and quite often has the feeling that he is being treated unfairly. Other people’s presents are always better than his! If he dislikes a person he is usually very rude to her and can upset a whole afternoon for everyone if we visit someone whom he doesn’t like. A few weeks ago, we went to tea with a lady who has no children and who likes to keep everything tidy and peaceful. He was in trouble all the time we were there and at tea-time burst out crying and said that nobody loved him … Yesterday I said I would buy him some new shoes. At the shop the pair that he wanted cost more money than I could afford. The others were quite good and plain but not just the style he wanted. The owner of the shop said that he sold a lot of this kind for schoolboys and that they had the same sort for men. But he would not have them and we came out without. I came out feeling that the shop people thought me very weak and wondering whether I ought to have insisted. I often come across situations like this and I wonder if I am really harming the boy in not being firmer. Last night `I explained to him that we should need a lot of money when he and his brother and sister went to secondary school. I left him to think the matter over and it is still unsettled. Before he was born I had two miscarriages and a baby who died so that I was very anxious about him and undoubtedly fussed more than was good for him.

            At school, he is regarded as brilliant, but spoilt. He went at the age of four and was in the babies’ class only four months. He has been the youngest in his class ever since. The babies’ mistress told me that she thought he was put up too soon as although he was good at reading etc., his handwork was poor and he missed a lot of play-time and handwork. He reads a lot now, and our trouble is to get him to do other things, particularly of constructive nature. He doesn’t get on too well with other children as he is inclined to cry easily, but this may be because they are all older than himself and it is a bit of an effort to keep up with them. He has one friend, but my boy sometimes tries the patience of his friend so much that he will leave him for a time, and then my boy is very unhappy until he comes back.

            You will understand why I have over-emphasised his bad points. His teachers say that he is very kind, and will play with children who are ill-cared for and sometimes shunned by others. He is also kind to animals.

           

            It is very understandable that you were over-anxious about this boy when he was born, after the sad losses you had already experienced. Your pleasure and pride and anxiety for him must have been very great, and that, as you evidently realise, had made you oversensitive to his feelings, and over-fussy in dealing with him. It would seem as if you have always been afraid to say ‘no’ to him, or be firm in asking him to do something, lest that should mean losing him altogether, as you lost other children.

            I agree that it would be better for the boy if you were firmer with him and told him more definitely what you could and could not do. That does not mean that he should not have a chance to choose for himself in many things. But where the decision is really yours and not his, then you should assume the responsibility.


That was obviously so with regard to the boots. If you could not afford the boots he wanted, that was your responsibility and it would have been better to say so simply and finally.

            The boy evidently had thought that he could really have his own choice of shoes, and then met the unexpected obstacle of your not being able to afford the pair he wanted. If he had been quite clear from the beginning that you could not pay more than a certain amount, it would have been easier for him.

            A good deal of the boys’ difficulty comes from having too big a burden. This is obviously true at school, if he is the youngest in his class and has to make a big effort to keep up with others in everything. He redresses the balance himself by his kindness to neglected or disliked children or animals.

            Again, visiting a lady who prefers to keep things tidy and peaceful to letting children be happy is distinctly trying for a lively and vigorous child. Personally, I would not take children to see such a woman unless she was willing to let the children have a certain latitude, and would not put quiet and tidiness too much in the forefront while thy were there. If she does this, it surely means that that she does not want the children, and that it only politeness to you which makes her invite them.

            If unnatural strains are put upon the child, he is bound to feel resentful and to become more difficult and unhappy. It is better to expect less from children, something that they can really manage – a reasonable amount of tidiness and quietness – and then to insist on getting it. if our standards are more correct, we can be more robust in our attitude.