Giving and getting, 1934 - Ursula Wise responds to a reader wondering how to approach Santa and Christmas.

December 12, 1934 in The Nursery World

Giving and Getting

Advice on how to help a little girl of nearly two to realise that Christmas is a time of giving and not only of “What will Father Christmas bring me?”

“H.H.” writes: “ I have always found your advice to parents and nurses in THE NURSERY WORLD so helpful that I am writing to ask your help in regard to my small daughter, aged now twenty months. Now that Christmas  is approaching we are wondering just what we are to tell Ann about its meaning and festivities. This may sound a very trivial matter as she is certainly not old enough consciously to remember later what we she has been told, but we do feel strongly that an impression will be left, and we are anxious that that impression shall not be the one which seems so universal amongst children – Christmas as the ‘getting’ time, conveying to them nothing but ‘What Father Christmas will bring me,’ ‘What shall I have in my stocking?’ I ought to tell you that Ann is certainly quite capable of understanding a simple explanation. She talks a great deal, although not in definite sentences, but she makes use of phrases such as ‘on the floor’, ‘in the water’, ‘certainly not,’ etc., etc., and already demands explanations for things she does not understand , e.g., why the church bells do not ring every day, why the shops are not always open. She has already remarked on the Christmas cakes in the shop windows and been told that people have pretty cakes at Christmas and she may see one when she goes to stay with granny. No doubt many people with children a good deal older than Ann will think it doesn’t matter much what one tells such a small child. So many people seem to take the attitude ‘she’s only a baby,’ but I notice that the children of such people usually do behave like babies, while those of whom more is expected are always more developed. No intelligent parent who has tried to follow your constant advice to reason with a child instead of scolding it, not as a last resort, but in the first instance, can fail to realise how sound it is. So please give us your opinion as to how parents should approach the Christmas season to their young children, as well as the Santa Claus legend, which is mentioned to them, whether we will or not, by every well-meaning adult.”

Your little girl is rather young to be given definite explanations of Christmas time, but since she is so intelligent and full of questions you are obviously right in wanting to meet any situation that may arise with regard to Father Christmas. I quite agree that it is a pity to let children grow up with the idea that Christmas is simply a time when one gets presents. But surely that can easily be avoided by helping them also to make and give presents? Even a child as young as your little daughter can have a share in the giving of present to other people. She could not only hand presents that you have bought for her to give her father and her granny, but could surely, since she is so intelligent, help to choose some little gift for them. Within the next year or two she could make simple little gifts by threading a bead necklace, or painting a. little picture, entirely on her own lines, or hemming a duster with large stitches of coloured thread for other people. She could help you put up any decorations that you have. She might be able to help with that this year, and certainly be allowed to take an interest in. Next year, if not this, she could help to decorate the Christmas cake. There are endless ways in which a child can take a more active share in giving pleasure to other people as well as getting it for herself. Even before she can actually make presents for people she could certainly wrap them up and tie a pretty ribbon round them. These are the lines on which one can encourage the child to share in the giving side of Christmas time.

            With regard to the Santa Claus legend, children delight in this, and there is sure no reason for with-holding it from them, since it plays such a part in Christmas cards and the shops and story groups, and she is sure to hear Santa Claus mentioned by grown-up friends.

Food refusal (undated) - Ursula Wise refers to 'the pleasures of tyranny' occurring around eating and drinking.

Undated and untitled - in the Ursula Wise archive as a typed manuscript. 

“J. S. F.” writes:“I should deeply appreciate your valuable advice on a matter which has gradually developed into a problem for me. I have a little daughter of two and a half, who is very difficult with her food. I want to know what attitude you would suggest for me to take  up when she says, ‘Take it away,’ which she so frequently does when a dish is put before her. She is quite happy to go without until her next meal. I have tried persuasion with no success. Of course, I try to think of dishes which I know she will enjoy, and on the whole she is quite good in finishing the meal, but two or three sips of milk is the most she will ever take without a good deal of persuasion. I don’t think it is that she dislikes it so much as that she doesn’t feel thirsty, and therefore doesn’t wish to take it. She drinks very little during the day of any liquid, but wakes two or three times during the night for little drinks of water. I feel if she would only drink a normal amount during the day she wouldn’t want it in the night. I must say that we are great friends, and that I try to be as cheerful and patient as possible during meal times. Just now she is recovering from an attack of ‘flu’ and is especially difficult. Naturally, I am trying to be as gentle and patient as possible, but it is so necessary for her to take nourishment and drink. 

I hope I have made this plain, and that you will be able to give me some of your excellent advice.”

I think I should certainly avoid persuasion with such a child. it very rarely I successful and just defeats itself. It really is very much better to leave the child not to eat if she doesn’t want to, and not to show any concern at all yourself. If she knows that you are worried when she says, “Take it away”, the pleasures of tyranny may easily prove more attractive for her then the normal pleasures of the appetite. It is not always easy for anyone with comparatively limited experience to believe this, but it has been fund to be true over and over again. Children do actually eat more when they are provided with the right sort of food and left to it. I think your little girl’s asking for drinks of water in the night does lend colour to the idea that her contrariness about food and drink is a way of asserting her control over you. I should be inclined to lessen the attention you give her in the night. I would not cut the drinks all at once, but I would definitely limit them, beginning, of course, only when she is quite over the effects of the influenza. If she has been having three drinks in the night, I would cut them down to two, refusing more quit definitely, telling her before the second one that you were not going to give her any more till breakfast. Then, after a week or two, I would bring it down to one only, making this quite definite and clear, and then a little later on to none at all at night.

            On the other hand, I would leave a drink near the child in the night in a mug or cup that she could manage herself, so that she could get out of bed and manage independently.
This is different from demanding attention from you, and it would be a good thing to lessen her demands upon you as soon as you can.

Teenage attitudes, 1938 - Susan Isaacs expects the the ups and downs in a 14 year old boy's behaviour. The letter is of its time in terms of attitudes to boys and girls!

March 1938 in Home and School "Readers' Questions"

 “N.W.” writes:- 

"I have made up my mind to write to you about my boy. He is fourteen years old, and is a most trying boy now. He will answer me back and grumble if I only ask him to do anything, and he will not do it at once. He will do it when he is ready. All he wants to do is to get off to play (sports). It hurts his mother to have a child answer her back. It seems to me he doesn’t care. His father gives him all he wants – I don’t think the boy wants for anything. If you can help him I shall be most pleased. I often sit down and cry when I am alone. I have a mother living now and I dare not disobey her, even now. Why is it that children are more trying when they are getting older? The boy is all right at school, and is not a backward bot by any means. "

Don’t you think it is quite an ordinary thing for a boy of fourteen years of age sometimes to “answer back”? Boys of this age are beginning to feel that they want to be treated like men. They feel a strong desire to become independent of the home and of the father and the mother. After all, they soon will be men, and will have to stand on their own two feet, earn their own living, decide things for themselves, make a home for themselves. Not just yet, but presently. Don’t you think that as they grow towards this natural independence they are bound to try to assert themselves here and there? And since they are in fact still children with so little knowledge of how to assert themselves, they are bound to make mistakes and often do it in a way which seems disagreeable to parents. 

Security for Young Children,1939 - Susan Isaacs details the demands on the young child of their own impulses and feelings, and how a carer can help.

A paper in Home and School, 1939

SECURITY FOR YOUNG CHILDREN

By Susan Isaacs

When we say that the baby and the young child need security , we naturally think first of the physical safety - shelter from danger and cold, from fatigue and infection, proper food at the right times, sleep ad rest and sun and air. But the child himself, security means much more than this. It means much more than teaching him to cross the road safely, to avoid fire and sharp knives. Many a child who is safeguarded feels very insecure, sometimes just because he is too much taken care of, and has no chance to learn to take care of himself, to find confidence in his own skill and knowledge and good sense. But there is another and profounder reason why over-sheltered children very often become restless and unhappy and neurotic. From the child’s point of view,dangers arise within himself, as well as from the outside. It is not only cold and heat and fierce animals that sharp instruments which may endanger his life. There are also his own strong feelings to deal with, inside his mind. If he is angry with his mother, because she does not come when he calls, does not feed him when he wishes, will not pick up his toy or nurse him, talks to another child instead of him, kisses his father when he wants her to caress him, then he wishes (in his deepest feelings) to hurt her in return - to hit or kick, to bite, and scratch, to send her away and make her feel lonely and lost. Many little children often act in this way; all naturally do so at some time or another.; and every child knows what it feel like to wish to do these things.

There are many ways of learning,1933 - Ursula Wise replies to a parent concerned that her children's ways of learning will prove detrimental in the long run, and speaks categorically on talion punishment.

July 12, 1933 in The Nursery World

There are many ways of learning

“Learning for children is not confined to formal lessons in reading and writing and number”

“Quatuor” writes: “I read in a French ‘Livre de Puericulture’ that until seven year of age, a child should not learn anything at all, but should learn to learn – that is, have his interest kept lively for all things, be independent as much as possible for dressing, washing etc. If this is so, then the children will be very late at school. My children are longing to learn their letters now. Supposing they always wish to learn, will it be too much of a strain for them or is it only a game for now, and will they drop the idea in within a few months?  For instance, my eldest child (three years and nine months) whenever told a letter picks it up anywhere else, even if it is written in a fancy way. I never force her, but always answer to her. And now she wants to count. When she says six for ten (in French they sound very much alike) thinking she is right, should I correct her or leave her alone? She wants to write, but makes an awful mess, then shows the paper to me. Must I say, ‘It is quite nice,’ or ‘I will show you,’ or ‘This does not mean anything. I told you you were still a little too young to hold a pencil and write nicely. You’d better wait and instead of writing, go and get things ready for your bath.’ The last is what I say, and she is such a sweet kid she forgets all her learning and does go to the bathroom. She has quite enough work in the house; I have slowly trained her to help me, and she really is splendid according to her age. Every day she’ll be too pleased to do the same work, and she really helps to look after her three brothers (2 years 8 months, 20 months, 5 months). For instance, she always washes her frock when coming home, washes number three, feeds him, tucks the beds, wheels the pram, takes shoes to be cleaned, tidies up. I have never stopped her from thumb sucking because it was the only way she fell off quickly to sleep. Even now she sucks it, so do number two and four, but the advantage I find is that when they have a cold they still breathe through the nose, which is excellent. 

            “When they bite each other, I say, ‘You have hurt your brother, he is crying hard. You will just kiss him and then I will bite you so as to show you that it hurts very much and you should not do it again.’ Do you think this may spoil the love and confidence they give me? Really sometimes explanations mean nothing to them, and I have always managed to keep very quiet and understanding (not so long ago was I a child myself). They have a routine always kept to and are, quite luckily, healthy.”

It seems to me that you have given a very special meaning to the notion of “learning.” You are confining it to lessons in formal reading and writing and number. Actually your little girl is learning a great deal, much more in certain directions than most children of her age do learn. If, at three years and nine months, she washes the baby and feeds him, tucks up the bed, tidies up, and so on, she has obviously gained a very great deal of real skill and an unusual sense of responsibility. You speak of her having, “quite enough work in the house.” I wonder whether the child plays at all, or has an opportunity for doing so. It is all to the good that she has the chance of doing these useful things in the house, since children of that age do enjoy it, but it rather sounds to me as if you were not giving the child quite enough opportunity for the joys of free activities and for genuine play. Moreover, I think you are making a very serious mistake in depriving your little girl of the chance to interest herself in letters and in counting, in telling her that her first attempts at writing “don’t mean anything,” and in taking away the pencil ad telling her to “go and get things ready for the bath.” You run the risk of permanently inhibiting the child’s interest in things of the mind altogether, and her joy in scholastic activities.

Obstinate Toddlers, 1935 - Ursula Wise talks in depth about the child's struggle to move from self-defensiveness to assertiveness - an important developmental process that cannot happen overnight.

October 2, 1935 in The Nursery World, 

Obstinate Toddlers 

Somewhere between the first year and the end of the fourth every child who is not too frightened … to develop naturally has a phase of sheer obstinacy. 

This week I am dealing with letters about children of the toddler age who are obstinate or liable to tantrums. 

“E.C.P.” writes“My little girl of four and a-half years old, a very exceptionally healthy and vivacious child, and of very happy disposition, but an ‘only’ child who gets a lot of grown-up admiration and company and not a great deal of other children’s company, except for a dancing class once a week and an occasional child to tea, as I live in a district with very few children near. I am, and always have been, very firm with her, and when I tell her to do anything I will have it done. Lately, she has become so stubborn I don’t know what to do with her. If I tell her to do anything of any description, she would rather undergo any punishment than do it. In fact, I find it difficult to find anything that is a punishment, as she is so full of spirits she just doesn’t worry about anything. I hate to think I am breaking her spirit, and perhaps I am doing her harm by keeping on at her, but she will be unbearable if I cannot get her to understand she must obey me. For example, at breakfast she has a glass of Ovaltine, which she likes really, but this morning she played about for so long that at last I told her she must drink it. She just sat and looked at the glass for an hour, knowing that she only had only got to drink it to get down and play in the garden. I put her to bed with the glass of milk there, and she cried for a little and then started singing without a care in the world. Then she decided, I suppose, she’s had enough of it, and said she’s drink it. She started drinking it, and then tipped some out on the bed and told me, ‘I did it on purpose.’ I have never spoilt her, and my principle has always been to tell her a thing and stick to it. I have given you an instance to do with food, but it is just the same with anything else. She is a child with a great deal of character, but is not difficult in any other way, just a sweet, sunny temper.”

“Hotel Baby” writes: “Your advice has been so helpful in the past that I am writing to ask you for further help. M. is now just four and very intolerant of discipline. He will obey in his own good time, but refuses to be promptly obedient indoors. When he is out for a walk he is quite good and will obey quickly, but in the house he resents an order and takes his time in complying with a request, always wanting to know the reason why. Punishment of any sort makes him defiant - ‘If you punish me I will never do anything for you at all,’ he said today. I have never given in to him and my word has always been law, but I have given the reason, and up till recently I had no trouble with him, though he was leisurely. We live among too many ‘grown-ups’ who criticise his lack of obedience and my handling of the situation, considering that I should have him in subjection by punishment. This rather aggravates things. How can I best tackle him? If I carry on as before, giving the reason and being content with mere obedience, will this phase pass and prompt obedience gradually develop? The defiance is only when I insist on promptness. M. is a good and reasonable boy and easy to handle though highly strung. Also I should be glad if you could tell me of a book which would help me to answer his questions - a child’s book of general knowledge?

“Seamy Side” writes: “It may interest you to know that our daughter of three and a-half has survived many of the troubles which have been discussed in your columns. The ‘pot problem’, screaming in the night, and jealousy of baby sister, are some of these, and I am pleased to say that in each case your advice has been adopted and has been successful. Unfortunately tantrums are still with us and seem almost to get worse. Often there are fits of uncontrollable screaming when we have visitors in which case it is due to over-excitement. More often, J. walks about the house whining and looking for something to make a scene about. If things do not go quite as she wishes, there is a tantrum unless we are able to ‘get in first’ with an explanation, when she is usually very reasonable. Sometimes she stands still when we are out and refuses to go any further for a while. When asked what she wants, she sometimes gives a feeble explanation, such as ‘I don’t want to wear this frock’ (there having been no previous conversation about it) or else whines so that I cannot tell what she is saying. These tantrums, etc. used to occur for a few days and then she would be quite happy for weeks, but now they are much more frequent. Occasional attacks of acidosis complicate matters as it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between ill-health and ill-humour. We have just had a much-needed seaside holiday, but this was completely spoilt by J’s whining and crying. The cause was probably over-excitement, etc., but knowing this didn’t improve matters. Other people simply think that she’s a very spoilt child badly in need of a smacking, and I have to confess that I resorted to this when we returned home and the tantrums still continued. It seemed that J. was taking advantage of our apparently endless patience. This seemed effective to some extent, but as you have often warned readers, it gave rise to continuous wakeful nights and bed-wetting. Both these have often occurred before, but not continuously. I can only suggest that all this is caused through boredom, as we rarely have visitors and J. has no playmates. Baby is only one year old, and although they enjoy one another’s company, there is little satisfaction in this for J. We have provided a sand-pit and she spends many happy hours in the garden and helping in the kitchen. J. was kept very quiet until baby was born, as I knew very few people, but she is not at all shy and loves other people’s society. Often she spends a morning happy and cheerful next door and then begins to whine as soon as she gets home. Do you think it essential that I should have more visitors, or would some definite line of instruction be of use - such as half an hour each day learning some handicraft? J. is very interested in daddy’s tools, and perhaps you could suggest a book which would show us how to guide her in this respect.” 

“Ella” writes: “I have two small children aged five and two and a-half. The elder one has become increasingly difficult to deal with lately, but the trouble of the moment is that absolutely everything goes straight to her mouth, and of course the little ones copy her. As they both run wild in our garden (we live in the depths of the country) I am afraid, one day something may go in to harm her. Her lower lip is already swollen from this constant sucking. She has been a slightly difficult child to rear (not physically, as she is the picture of health) and has always been through awful phases of wetting and dirtying after the arrival of the second. She has always been a thumb-sucker, and `I finally left it alone, hoping it would cure itself (which I hasn’t). She went through a phase for years of not eating, but that has cured itself now. She has had two bouts of nail-biting, but is better of that now. She is a wildly untidy and destructive child and ruins all her toys and leaves everything about. I’ve tried hard to teach her to be more careful and to out things away, but it is always a struggle, and does not come naturally. She is very good friends with her sister, but her jealousy takes the form of wanting to have everything like the younger one. This has now spread, and the baby must do and have everything like her, which causes a considerable difficulty. I have very good reports from the little class she goes to. Though one of the youngest, she is said to be quite the most promising and a delightful child to teach. But with me she is hopeless. I admit I am bad and lacking in patience, but I do try and do the best I can for her. The little one gets all the attention from the outsiders, but how can this be avoided? I explain to the elder one that this is because she is so much smaller, in the same way that she gets noticed when she is with me, but I doubt if she has grasped it. I do not smack her now. I used to, long ago, but realise now that this is only harmful. She gets punished very occasionally. I try on the whole to reason with her and appeal to her to help me. The line I have taken with putting things in her mouth is to point out how ugly it is going to make her look and get her to help me cure it. I’ve threatened to confiscate everything that I see in her mouth. Do you think this is a good plan? “

There is much in common between these four problems, although there are many differences in detail. All these children seem to have developed a defensive attack against their environment, which suggest that there is some general factor in their handling needing consideration. In the first instance, it has to be said that some degree of obstinacy and self-assertiveness against the environment is a perfectly normal thing in this period of life. Somewhere between the end of the first year and the end of the fourth every child who is not too frightened or too inhibited to be able to develop normally has a phase sheer obstinacy. With some children it comes earlier. I have often quoted letters which describe an extreme degree of obstinacy in the second and third years. Sometimes it comes later. The degree of it and length of time it lasts vary very much from one child to another. In a milder degree it is part of the ordinary child’s adjustment to the social world and his discovery of himself as an independent person. After all, how would he develop courage and independence later on in life if he never asserted himself against the grown-ups in the early years? It takes time for the child to discover that there are ways of real assertion which fit in with the family life and open new avenues of skill and pleasure to him, and that he need not to be defiant all round in order to prevent himself from being overwhelmed by grown-up demands.