Teenage attitudes, 1938 - Susan Isaacs expects the the ups and downs in a 14 year old boy's behaviour. The letter is of its time in terms of attitudes to boys and girls!

March 1938 in Home and School "Readers' Questions"

 “N.W.” writes:- 

"I have made up my mind to write to you about my boy. He is fourteen years old, and is a most trying boy now. He will answer me back and grumble if I only ask him to do anything, and he will not do it at once. He will do it when he is ready. All he wants to do is to get off to play (sports). It hurts his mother to have a child answer her back. It seems to me he doesn’t care. His father gives him all he wants – I don’t think the boy wants for anything. If you can help him I shall be most pleased. I often sit down and cry when I am alone. I have a mother living now and I dare not disobey her, even now. Why is it that children are more trying when they are getting older? The boy is all right at school, and is not a backward bot by any means. "

Don’t you think it is quite an ordinary thing for a boy of fourteen years of age sometimes to “answer back”? Boys of this age are beginning to feel that they want to be treated like men. They feel a strong desire to become independent of the home and of the father and the mother. After all, they soon will be men, and will have to stand on their own two feet, earn their own living, decide things for themselves, make a home for themselves. Not just yet, but presently. Don’t you think that as they grow towards this natural independence they are bound to try to assert themselves here and there? And since they are in fact still children with so little knowledge of how to assert themselves, they are bound to make mistakes and often do it in a way which seems disagreeable to parents. 

It is certainly a good thing to have some regard for one’s parents’ opinions, even when one is grown up, but boys have a stronger need for independence than girls, and it would really not be satisfactory for you boy to go on respecting your rule as the only good thing in life, even if you yourself still set such high value on your own mother’s opinion. 

            What we want boys and girls to learn, is to be independent without being merely defiant; to think for themselves without having to show that we are all wrong ; to continue to respect us while learning to judge for themselves and make their own decisions. But all this is not gained in a day.   

            Your boy of fourteen cannot yet decide really important things for himself, but you could help him more by letting him decide as much for himself as possible, and by discussing things with him and allowing him to have his own opinions. It is a fine thing that he has so much chance to play and to join in with other boys in his sports. This will certainly be a great help to him all through his growing years, and is bound to incline him to remain friends with  you. But in itself, it is not enough.

            A boy does not thrive if he is treated merely as a child who needs plenty of play. He also needs the chance to make real decisions for himself, to have real opinions. I would, therefore, not treat any difference, of opinion as mere “answering back” but would talk things over with him and show that you are interested in his point of view.

            Certainly it is right to expect him to do something for you when you are busy, in return for what you do for him in planning for his sports and games. I would say this to him, and show that you are not demanding that he should help you merely because you want him to be obedient, but because you want him to play his part in making a good life together and keeping the home comfortable and a pleasant place to live in. it would not be right to do too much for him, but on the other hand there is no need to be unhappy because he grumbles a little at small tasks which keep him back from his sports and games. 

            This is natural enough in a boy, and whilst it is right to ask him to help when you need it, I should treat his grumbles with good-humoured indifference. 

            He will grow out of his grumbles if he feels that you are willing to respect his growing manhood and his wish for independence, as well as his need for games and sports. These years from fourteen to eighteen or so are always a little difficult; but we could hardly expect to have everything smooth sailing when the boy is going through so important a period of his life.