Shyness, 1932 – Ursula Wise points out that what causes emotional upset for one child may have no effect on another.

April 20, 1932 in Nursery World

Shyness

“Devon” writes: “ I should greatly appreciate your help and advice on the problem of an acute and distressing shyness which has lately shown itself in my little girl. Sheila is four and three quarters, an only child and, as she is unfortunately without the natural companionship of brother or sister, we have always encouraged friendship with other children, and general independence of ourselves, feeling that she would thus have an easier and happier time when starting school. Up to a few months ago she would cheerfully be left with friends or relations or spend the day with little friends, etc., but of late she has become increasingly shy and nervous with anyone in the least strange, and simply refuses to go anywhere without me. When Christmas and party time came round all invitations which did not include parents had to be turned down. She did not mind in the least forfeiting the parties- but worked herself into a perfect agony of distress when it was suggested that she was being selfish in disappointing others. In one instance we tried taking her, waiting till she was happily engrossed with other children, and then slipping away, but on calling back were met with a sad tale of tears and uneaten tea and general upset. We feel that if this extreme shyness persists her early school days will be misery, and at the same time she is forfeiting the present friendship and companionship that she might enjoy. I might add that when used to people one could not find a more friendly or happy little soul – her nature is sunshine itself. Is there anything one can do to overcome this nervousness, or must a child grow out of it? I had wondered if any health reason could be at the back of it, but Sheila has always been the picture of health – though a little highly strung and imaginative – as only children so often are. However, she always goes to bed in the dark without the least fuss.”

It rather sounds to me as if Sheila has had some sort of experience which had made her shy and nervous and dependent upon yourself, but if so it is evidently something of which you are unaware. And it could be some quite slight happening that would not appear to have any significance to you. Things have such different meanings and values to a little child from what they have to us. A quite slight stimulus to the imagination will sometimes start a sensitive child into ways of nervousness and shyness, although it might leave another child unaffected and not seem to have any importance to the grown-ups.

Behaviour to animals, 1933 – Ursula Wise references one of her correspondent’s advice to address a problem of animal cruelty and general destructiveness.

 17 May, 1933 in Nursery World

Behaviour to Animals

Retaliatory Punishment is not a good method of dealing with cruelty to animals

“E.T.”  writes: “Could you give me your advice as to the best method of dealing with a three years old boy who will kick and beat his pets the cats and dogs. He is really very fond of them, and until recently treated them very kindly, but now seems to delight in making them run away from him. I would like to know particularly what you think of treating this kind of behaviour (and also of throwing stones playfully at his father) by mild retaliation of a like nature, i.e., kicking the small boy lightly but hard enough to be uncomfortable on the leg when he kicks the dog, and throwing a stone at him gently when he throws one at father, to show him that it hurts and that if he hurts others he will be hurt himself. I feel very strongly against this method personally, and would like to know if there is any justification for adopting it. He is a very easy child to deal with, but I am not quite sure of the best line to take in this case. .”

I don’t think it is at all good to kick or pinch the child for doing this to a dog or to a human being, or in any way to use retaliatory punishment. I don’t say this from mere theory, but from having tried it myself with a group of children. I found that it had no educative value at all, since it simply demonstrates to the child that the grown-ups will behave exactly as he does if only he gives them enough provocation, and does not show to the child any other ideal of action than that he had developed spontaneously. It is not really possible to pass on from this idea of punishment to the more desirable idea of refraining from hurting others out of love and kindliness. It dos not create a wish not to hurt, but only the desire to avoid the punishment. Those cruel actions of little children do not spring (after infancy) from a mere want of realising their effects. The children know quite well that kicking and pinching and throwing stones hurts the other person or animal. The only way to help the child is to deflect the desire for power which now expresses itself in this particular way into some other activity. If he were really cruel to the dog I should deprive him of the opportunity, taking the dog away from him, even refusing to have one in the family. But it is not necessary to go to these lengths with a small child, though it might be with an older boy who is persistently cruel.

The letter which follows shows very clearly how possible it is to deflect children’s activities from an undesirable to a more desirable direction. I am very glad to be able to print this next letter along with yours, because it does directly answer the particular problem which you raise. I am sure that the suggestion of giving the child an inanimate object to kick, so that when he feels he must hit out he can get some satisfaction for that impulse, and yet know that he is not hurting a living thing, is an excellent one. I have found a punch-ball satisfactory in the same way for older boys, just as competitive games of tug-of-war or even learning to box are a very excellent outlet for their aggressive impulses.

“Bridget” writes: “I had been meaning to write to you about a problem with regard to the behaviour of my small son of two and a half years, but I have now found a solution myself and am writing to you in the hope that it may be of help to your other readers. We have a dog, a gentle but highly nervous terrier. My small son early discovered that he could, by squealing in the dog’s ear, make him burst into hysterical howling. I tried slapping without the slightest effect. T. enjoyed his own performances so much that he inflicted them on us as well as on the dog till he succeeded in making us all, dog, maid and me, highly irritable – nothing we could do stopped him. At that time T. had no playroom of his own. He liked to trot around the house beside my maid or me or play beside us. As he grew older and accumulated more and more toys my husband and I decided that he must for his own sake and ours have a playroom. We converted our biggest bedroom into a day and night nursery, moving ourselves into a smaller room (after all space is not so much a pressing need to an adult). With the advent of the nursery the squealing problem (and others) was solved. T. was told that the sitting room was Mummy’s room –he mustn’t squeal there. The dining room was Daddy’s room, the kitchen the maid’s room  - he mustn’t squeal in either of those. The nursery was his room – he could squeal there as much and as often as he liked. Each time thereafter that he began to squeal he was led gently but firmly to his nursery and told to squeal there.

Privacy for the adolescent, 1939 – Susan Isaacs talks about the pitfalls of trying to ‘break through barriers’ with the teenager.

September 1938 in Home and School “Readers’ Questions”

            “B.B.” writes: “I read with great interest the recent article in ‘Home and School’ on “What is the truth about the young person?” and hope there will be further articles on the same subject. It made me personally think a lot, and wonder how often in the day my own children (of fourteen, eleven and eight years) have felt small, guilty or frightened – and I fear it must be several times a day! At least for a boy of eleven, who is very shy and dreadfully reserved.

            I would very much like to give some suggestions as to how to break through the barriers the reserved secretive ones have built round themselves. (By the way have you found that shyness and secretiveness always, or generally, go together?) How can we lessen the feelings of guilt and fear; and especially how can we help back boys and girls to share troubled thoughts? My boy of eleven will never tell me anything about himself – I do not know what he is feeling or thinking about. He hides everything he can eg. The twopennyworth of sweets he buys , and the comic papers – although he ought to know I would not forbid them! He is so afraid of the slightest censure. He is extremely intelligent and quick at learning, but he has little self-confidence, and I am worried to think what will happen when he goes to Public school, and when everything becomes increasingly difficult for him in adolescence. He is a happy boy, sweet-tempered and liked – but unapproachable. To any question about likes and dislikes, he answers, “I don’t know”. What can I do about this?”

            It is very natural that parents should want to get behind the barriers of reserve and shyness, and gain the full confidence of their children. Especially it is natural for those parents who desire their children to feel happy as well as behave sensibly. It seems as if we could not be of any use to our children unless we know their likes and dislikes, share their secrets and learn what they are pondering about. And we all feel easier with children (or with grown-ups for that matter) who are open and frank. It is not merely what they tell us, but the actual fact that they can tell us, which is so cheering. And it is not merely the thoughts and experiences which the secretive child hides from us, but the fact that he needs to hide them, which disturbs us so much. We cannot altogether help suspecting that is wish to hide from us is a slur upon our own good fellowship and understanding – as well as a possible sign of doubt and pain in himself.

            It is easier and pleasanter when children are frank and simple in the expression of their thoughts and feelings. But it takes all sorts to make a world, and nothing we could do, no way of responding to them, could ever make all children alike in this respect. Even from birth genuine differences of temperament appear. The child’s experiences may lessen or encourage his wish to hide from us, but the readiness to share his thoughts and feelings, or to deal with them alone, is in part a temperamental difference which has to be accepted.

Mother and daughter difficulties, 1939 - Susan Isaacs replies to a Headmistress about a girl approaching her teens and discusses the importance of ‘breaking the close and vicious circle of over devotion of mother and child'.

April 1939 in Home and School “Readers’ Questions”

Mother and Daughter difficulties

“Headmistress” writes:

            I should be grateful if you could tell me what is the right treatment for the following case. I have in my school a girl of 12 ¾ years of age. The mother is a widow and until the age of 11 Pollie was brought up in an orphanage. The she came back home and lived with her mother, who goes out to work all day. The mother is considerably distressed about the difference between the child’s behaviour at home and at school.

            At home, she seems to concentrate on her mother to a rather abnormal degree. She waits on her hand and foot although the mother says she does not want this or encourage it. She is extremely, and I think unchildishly, kind and considerate and never wants to go without her mother, and although at the orphanage, she was popular and had friends, she does not now seem interested in having them. She is most thoughtful and reliable.

            At school, she is unreliable, forgetful, disobedient and certainly not doing her best. I am not disposed to take the behaviour at school as seriously as her mother does because, as I have told her, it is a perfectly natural reaction from the strain that the child is putting on herself to behave so perfectly as she does at home.

            I told the mother that I thought Pollie was concentrating far too much on her and that she should encourage her to make friends. She says she has tried to do this but without success.

            Is there anything you could suggest my doing with the child at school which might adjust the balance and make her interests and emotions spread out into more channels than this one? The mother really is very worried about it and sincerely wants to help. I think she may be quite unconsciously a very emotional person whose personality makes demands upon the child without her knowing it.

            The problem you describe is an unusual and very difficult one. It seems likely that Pollie is terrified that she will lose her mother again if she shows any faults at all. She is probably also very resentful about having been sent to an orphanage in her earlier years, and her fear of loss is she should express any of her resentment calls out this abnormal effort for perfection at home. Naturally such an effort cannot be sustained all round, and the child is bound to be unreliable, forgetful and disobedient at school simply in order to maintain her mental balance. It would obviously not be possible for anyone to be so perfect over the whole field of life. I quite agree with you that her faults at school are a natural reaction to the strain of home life.

Children’s Drawings, 1934 – Ursula Wise discusses what these might and might not indicate about a child.

April 4, 1934 in Nursery World

Children’s Drawings

“N. G. M.” writes: “ I wonder if you would be so kind as to give me your criticism of the enclosed drawing? F. is two years three months. He was in the nursery alone with his pencil and paper, and when I arrived, said, “Look Nan, train smoke chimney wheels.” I feel it is rather good work, but one is very apt to feel that one’s charges are above the average. I would also like to say, as a result of your helpful advice, I have a wonderful, happy, independent charge."

I am glad to have seen this drawing, and to have had the opportunity of asking the Editor to reproduce it for the interest of other readers. It is quite remarkably good for the age of the child – at least a year or fifteen months ahead of the average achievement for his age. A great many studies have been made in recent years of the levels of ability shown in the drawings of children of successive ages. Most of these comparative studies have been made of drawings of a man or a house, and there are now definitely recognised stages of development in these, according to age. We have no such clear knowledge of ability in drawing engines such as this; but by comparing what the average three year old can do in the way of drawing a man, and comparing the many drawings of engines by young children, which I have myself collected, I can certainly say that this drawing is at least a year in advance, and probably 15-16 months.

Smacking, 1939 - Susan Isaacs replies frankly to a reader who is convinced that smacking is the way to bring up a decent human being.

July1939 in Home and School "Readers’ Questions"

Smacking

“L.E.M.” writes: I have been arguing with some of my friends about physical punishment, and I should like to know what you think about it. My own view is that the average child from about one year to three or four understands nothing else so well - they cannot be argued with, and some punishment is necessary if a proper discipline is to be maintained. A small smack is not really inflicting much pain, is soon over, and I find a small child bears no more malice than a puppy. Children of that age are not sentimental - they don’t feel humiliated - and even of they did, a certain amount of humility is a virtue none too common these days. I am afraid the result of no smacking would be a man or woman with no sense of discipline or obedience - a trouble which is filling the children’s police courts with boys and girls whose parents admit, “they can do nothing with them” a most lamentable result of giving in to them too much when young. My father is a doctor, and over and over again he is called in to sick children who have been given unsuitable food or who are allowed to get up when ill because “Well, you see, he wanted to!” Heaven help the country in the next generation starts life with the idea that they can do everything they want to. My friend’s boy of sixteen months who is allowed to decide whether he wants to rest or not will find that other people are not so accommodating as his mother - As Kipling says, “Angels may come to you, Willie my son, but you’ll never be wanted on earth, dear.”

I wonder why you think that not smacking a young child is exactly the same as letting him do just as he wants? Why do you assume that there is no other form of training a child, and that the only alternative to smacking is simply indulgence? This is very far from true. The child has many other motives which can be used in is training besides that of fear of physical pain. In children who have not been spoilt by early subjection to physical chastisement, so that this has become the key to their relation with grown-ups, the child’s own wish to develop skills and abilities, and his pleasure in co-operating with grown-ups, are real and genuine motives. But to give the child the opportunity for developing these skills and independence needs more patience, more time, more understanding on the part of the grown up than to administer a sharp smack and say, “Do this” or “Don’t do that”. It always interests me when people say that without smacking the child will never learn to adapt himself to the ordinary social world of grown-ups. Such a view assumes that decent behaviour among grown-ups is entirely the result of fear of imprisonment and punishment. It needs but little reflection to show how very far from true this is. Imprisonment and punishment are limiting factors which are necessary for exceptional cases but do not represent by any means the actual motives which lead ordinary grown-ups to be well-behaved and considerate and responsible people. Law-abiding citizens and people who are successful in social relations are such because of their positive loyalties and interests and sympathies, not because they are frightened by dread of punishment. It is just because physical chastisement is such an inadequate means of education for real social life that one turns away from it.

Thumb sucking, 1939 – Susan Isaacs reassures her correspondent that this will pass unless there are deep-seated emotional problems

July 1939 in Home and School "Readers’ Questions"

Thumb sucking

‘Still in Difficulties’ writes: I am so much interested in the correspondence of your January issue on the subject of thumb-sucking, and in Dr. Isaacs’ tolerant outlook in relation to it. But I should be glad to know whether the cure she advocates has actually been known to cause a cessation of the habit in many cases. It is a solution of which I have read many times, but one which I feel must often leave the problem unsolved.

            Both my own children - a boy of 7 ½ and a girl of 4 years - invariably suck their thumbs at the first hint of fatigue, the boy from birth and the girl from the age of about one year. With the boy, my monthly nurse waged a battle-royal, with the obvious results. The girl, we were determined, should be left entirely free - but she developed the habit none the less, though possibly in imitation. Both children were breast-fed - the girl for four months only.

            Neither child had had to suffer from any of the recognised causes requiring compensation - i.e. unhappy or unharmonious home, lack of or biased affection, etc., - home life is warm, alive and jolly and these two children are devoted to one another. I do not believe that any nursery school could induce my small girl to put her mouth to any happier use than those which occupy it at present, as she sings or talks most of her days, and is a most concentrated creature, with a great variety of interests - but- opposes any attempts to get her to go off to sleep, or to cuddle up against someone, without its support.

Yes, I have found as a rule that children grow out of the need to suck their thumbs if all their emotional needs are adequately met. It is true that there is no panacea for this or any other problem in children’s development. There is no single remedy that will cure any particular difficulty. It might be that your little girl imitated the older boy whose passion for thumb sucking had been increased by the very struggle of the nurse to deprive him of that pleasure.