Shyness
“Devon” writes: “ I should greatly appreciate your help and advice on
the problem of an acute and distressing shyness which has lately shown itself
in my little girl. Sheila is four and three quarters, an only child and, as she
is unfortunately without the natural companionship of brother or sister, we
have always encouraged friendship with other children, and general independence
of ourselves, feeling that she would thus have an easier and happier time when
starting school. Up to a few months ago she would cheerfully be left with
friends or relations or spend the day with little friends, etc., but of late
she has become increasingly shy and nervous with anyone in the least strange,
and simply refuses to go anywhere without me. When Christmas and party time
came round all invitations which did not include parents had to be turned down.
She did not mind in the least forfeiting the parties- but worked herself into a
perfect agony of distress when it was suggested that she was being selfish in
disappointing others. In one instance we tried taking her, waiting till she was
happily engrossed with other children, and then slipping away, but on calling
back were met with a sad tale of tears and uneaten tea and general upset. We
feel that if this extreme shyness persists her early school days will be
misery, and at the same time she is forfeiting the present friendship and
companionship that she might enjoy. I might add that when used to people one
could not find a more friendly or happy little soul – her nature is sunshine
itself. Is there anything one can do to overcome this nervousness, or must a
child grow out of it? I had wondered if any health reason could be at the back
of it, but Sheila has always been the picture of health – though a little
highly strung and imaginative – as only children so often are. However, she
always goes to bed in the dark without the least fuss.”
It rather sounds to me as if
Sheila has had some sort of experience which had made her shy and nervous and
dependent upon yourself, but if so it is evidently something of which you are
unaware. And it could be some quite slight happening that would not appear to
have any significance to you. Things have such different meanings and values to
a little child from what they have to us. A quite slight stimulus to the
imagination will sometimes start a sensitive child into ways of nervousness and
shyness, although it might leave another child unaffected and not seem to have
any importance to the grown-ups.
While the child is in throes of this extreme shyness and nervousness, I would not try to force her to go to other families without you. You may rest quite sure that it is only a phase and that within a year or two she will have passed through it and have become again independent. You can help her best by not fussing about the shyness, not making any particular comment on it, although giving her from time to time the opportunity to be away from you and becoming independent. I don’t know whether you have found a satisfactory school or kindergarten near you, but within the next year or so I would certainly try to find one, and then I would, of course, insist upon the child’s going to school, even if she protested and cried. It is quite different to insist upon the child going to a party without you and going to school. One difference is that the teachers in a good school are used to handling such situations, but another and more important one is that the interest of the school, the occupations, the learning, the child’s sense of mastering new skills and knowledge and of having a world of her own quite independent of home, all come to her aid against her dependence upon her mother. At a party this is not so, nor can we ourselves have the moral justification for compelling a child to pretend to enjoy herself if she is feeling unhappy. So that while I would leave her quite free to refuse parties, I would take no notice of any reluctance to go to school, on the one assumption, of course, that the school is a good one.
While the child is in throes of this extreme shyness and nervousness, I would not try to force her to go to other families without you. You may rest quite sure that it is only a phase and that within a year or two she will have passed through it and have become again independent. You can help her best by not fussing about the shyness, not making any particular comment on it, although giving her from time to time the opportunity to be away from you and becoming independent. I don’t know whether you have found a satisfactory school or kindergarten near you, but within the next year or so I would certainly try to find one, and then I would, of course, insist upon the child’s going to school, even if she protested and cried. It is quite different to insist upon the child going to a party without you and going to school. One difference is that the teachers in a good school are used to handling such situations, but another and more important one is that the interest of the school, the occupations, the learning, the child’s sense of mastering new skills and knowledge and of having a world of her own quite independent of home, all come to her aid against her dependence upon her mother. At a party this is not so, nor can we ourselves have the moral justification for compelling a child to pretend to enjoy herself if she is feeling unhappy. So that while I would leave her quite free to refuse parties, I would take no notice of any reluctance to go to school, on the one assumption, of course, that the school is a good one.
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