September 30, 1936 in Nursery World
“H.R.S.” writes: “During the past three years I have so often found my problems in connection with my small daughter answered by your letter to other readers, all of which I find most interesting, that I have no need to write to you myself. But now I would be very grateful for your advice on several points. J. was three years old last month, and is a happy, healthy child, very intelligent and advanced for her age. So far, she has always slept in a cot in my room, and during the past year I have often taken her into my bed in the night, which I know is a bad thing to do, but it was started on a holiday to comfort her in strange surroundings, and has been very difficult to break. However, she is getting over that now gradually, and always says when she goes to bed that she will stay in her own bed all night, and tries to do so. But sometimes she wakes up in the night and says she wants to love Mummy, and if I do not take her into my bed at once, she gets worked up to a terrible pitch and nothing will comfort or quieten her until I take her. Then she is very loving and hugs and kisses me and says such sweet things and is so happy to be with me and goes to sleep at once. Now what I would like to know is, do you think it would be wise to put her into a room by herself, or would it be wiser to wait til she is a bit older, as she was not brought up to it from a baby? We talk about her having her own room and she likes the idea. But often in the night I have to hold her hand when she wakes, she seems to need the assurance of my being near her. Would it be too much of a break for a child of her temperament to be suddenly alone? Can one expect a child of three to mostly do as it is told? When we are out for walks, J. often runs on ahead of me. If I call her to come back, she takes no notice and runs away as hard as she can go. I am terrified that she might get into the road and be knocked down before I can reach her, as the road is full of bends and she gets out of my sight. She knows she is disobeying me, but does it with a wicked look in her eye from sheer devilment, and although I try to reason and explain to her why she must not do it, she says she is sorry afterwards; she is always ready to run away at the next opportunity. She is very independent and adventurous and has no fears.
The other thing that rather worries me is that J. is very indifferent to her food. She has a good breakfast, but often has no dinner at all and very little tea. She is not in the least interested in food. I do not worry her; if she does not eat it, she just goes without, and does not mind a bit. She is very well developed and weighs 2 ½ stone and does not appear to suffer for missing meals. But I am afraid that she will go back as she eats no vegetables at all and must miss many important vitamins through missing her dinners. I must say how very much I appreciate your advice to readers, and have so often found it useful in my own case.”
It is a very difficult habit to break a child coming into the parents’ bed, once this has been set up as a means of comforting her. Sometimes situations occur in which one cannot avoid doing this. But if it has happened, then one must realise that it will take time to wean the child from it, and if we have once set up this expectation, we have no right to be impatient in our attempts to break the habit. We may have to exercise the patience that we demand from the child herself. In your little daughter’s case I would wait a little longer before getting her used to sleeping in a room of her own. It would be easier when she is, say four. And then I would do it in a way that would win her cooperation from the start. I would help her to take pride in having a room of her own, letting her choose some of the decorations ornaments, so that it feels really her own and marks a definite step forward towards being a real grown-up. Let her have a toy cupboard there which she can arrange as she wishes, and a table on which she can put her little possessions. Let her choose one or two pictures, the colour of the curtains, etc. Then the pride of possession and the delight of having a room of her own will overcome the loss of intimacy with you.
The question of training a child of this age is not to run away in the road where the danger is so great is a really difficult one. In the fields or a quiet lane where there is no risk, one would, of course, not think of interfering with a child’s freedom to run. I would try to train her into keeping close beside you in the road, by giving her freedom in places where it is safe to do so.
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