September 11th, 1935 in The Nursery World
Instant obedience
Instant obedience is only given by a child to a parent on the basis of trust and confidence built up by experience
“Well-meaning” writes: “Having frequently admired the wisdom of your published replies to readers I venture to ask your opinion on the question whether it is desirable, and if so by what methods, to aim at being able to secure ‘instant obedience’ before a child is old enough to understand the principle underlying its necessity. My little girl, not quite two, is as obedient as a strong-willed child who is keenly interested in what she is doing at the moment can be expected to be, but she is quite capable of assuming complete deafness, or reiterating a determined, ‘No’, or just running away if told to come here, or to put something down. Relatives tell me that she is too young to be expected to obey, and advocate the – to my mind - lazy and useless method of distracting her attention. My own view is that while obtaining her obedience by distracting her attention is a useful resource when she is tired, or when there are special reasons for avoiding a scene, it does not teach her anything, and that suitable opportunities should be frequently taken for training her to obey as a conscious act. Surely life is too dangerous for a child who will not obey a sudden order without first having some distraction provided. She might be electrocuted in the interval. I should be most interested to hear your views as to whether one should wait until a child is old enough for argument before attempting to teach it obedience. If you agree that the process can be begun as soon as the child unmistakably understands what is said to it (my child talks fluently and has a good memory), what steps do you recommend for securing obedience, in addition to the obvious one of limiting the frequency of one’s ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’? Is a mild slap on the hand that persists in touching the forbidden object a very mistaken method? Sometimes I can see no other way of preventing the child from thinking; ‘Mother goes on sayin,g “Don’t touch,” but nothing seems to happen if I do.” Is it a psychological fact that at barely two a child may forget a repeated command within a few seconds? My little girl’s persistence in picking flowers in the garden (though I always give her some for herself whenever she shows the slightest sign of wanting them) suggests that it must be so. Sometimes I wonder if it is just that the fascination is so great that she simply cannot desist, though she knows must not pick. If that is so, how can I deal with it? Picking flowers for her and allowing her to pick for herself in certain places do not meet the case. It is not that I attach such importance to the devastation of my garden, but that I feel the problem is probably typical of others that we shall have to face. In case it is relevant, I had better mention that the child has the very hopeful characteristic of being more obedient if I leave her for a moment or two rather than if I am present. She will remain glued to a chair if I tell her not to get down til I come back, though, of course, I never strain this virtue too far. Another small point: I have always been lavish with praise when it has been earned, and now K. is beginning to pat herself on the back in a way that is amusing, but might become intolerable in time. ‘Kitty’s a kind girl to bring that flower to show Mother.’ ‘Good girl not to drop that parcel.’ ‘Brave Kitty not to cry.’ Such phrases as these are sometimes reiterated in tones of indescribable smugness, but provided it passes off, don’t you think it is preferable to the sullen defensiveness of the child who imagines that people only comment on its behaviour in order to condemn? If you think I have been overdoing encouragement, I should like to be told. I shall await your views on the subject of obedience with great interest.”
Instant obedience is only given by a child to a parent on the basis of trust and confidence, built up by experience. One can, of course, enforce it by fear. That is to say, one can stir up so much fear in many children that they will obey as long as the feared grown-up is present, although this has very little bearing upon what they will do when there is no risk of being found out. That, however, is not the situation which you desire. The instant obedience which is based upon love and trust cannot be secured by our merely willing it to happen, nor is it possible for many children to give during the first two or three years. It can be given by a child of four or five, who has learnt that his parents will not demand it without good reason. Two years of age is very rarely a period when a child can obey. Occasionally a child has such a naturally docile temperament that she will obey at any age, but this is not very usual, and not necessarily the most desirable attitude of mind. Any child who is going to be independent and forceful and resourceful in later life is certain to show a phase of obstinacy and contrariness in the second and third years, and your little girl is behaving quite typically when she resists your demands if you interfere with her pursuits of the moment. We cannot hope to train tiny children to the virtues of later childhood, and we shall only waste our time and exasperate ourselves and them if we try to do so. It needs real supervision by the adult and appropriate planning of the environment to keep the child of two years, or even three or four, safe. And it is quite useless to imagine that one can ensure this safety by mechanical obedience from the child. But surely you are exaggerating the dangers? In ordinary circumstances, how is a child of two to get electrocuted?
If you are taking her by tube, for example, you are not going to rely upon any habit of instant obedience to keep her from running on the line. You will surely rely upon your own arms and watchfulness to safeguard her, without putting upon her the tremendous burden of her own safety? The same applies to crossing the road, and to any of the risks that carelessness might bring in the way of little child in the ordinary house; for example, dangerous knives, matches etc. These are not the grounds for training obedience. The value of obedience is surely a social one, and the type of obedience that is socially valuable is one that rests upon experienced confidence and trust and love of the authority that demands obedience. As regards touching the ordinary objects, we have no right to have things about within reach of the child that are really dangerous to her. I would not take a two year old into a room where there were precious objects that I did not want broken. One can expect a child of four or five not to touch other people’s belongings but not a two year old. I would certainly never expect a child of two or under to be able to resist the charm and attraction of flowers in a garden. By the time she is three and a half or four, she can understand clearly enough that some things are not for her and others for other people, although even then one should not expect too much in the way of being able to resist temptation. But at two years, it is really asking the impossible to expect the child not to do what she sees her mother doing – reaching out for the lovely flowers and picking them. She cannot understand, and there is nothing in the child to enable her to check the impulse. Such a power is a matter of slow growth, and there is no use expecting it before time to ripen.
It certainly sounds to me as if you had been overdoing the giving of praise. It is far better to take good behaviour for granted as the ordinary stuff of life – at any rate to a greater extent than you seem to be doing. However, you need not worry about her comments upon herself. They are natural enough, too, and are only part of the child’s attempt to articulate the whole of her experience. However, I should be a little more sparing of the praise. A smile and a “Thank you” are usually enough reward for the child.
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