A little girl who will not make friends, 1932 – Ursula Wise talks about a little girl’s "inferiority complex" and suggests a ‘self-denying ordinance in the way of not asking questions about what happens in school’ in order to develop her independence.

June 22^nd, 1932 in Nursery World

A little girl who will not make friends

“Worried” (Blackheath)writes: “Will you please help me to deal with my little girl, aged five years one month, who is very timid and shy with other children. With most grown-ups she is very friendly. We came from India last November, and on the boat we had great difficulty in getting her to play with the other children or to take part in the games or fun. She would just stand apart and watch. We had awful ‘scenes.’ Now the great difficulty is ‘going to school.’ I took her the first two mornings, but now my husband does so. She is supposed to be taken to the school gates and then left to go into school alone, as all the other kindergarten children do. Each morning she says, ‘can’t,’ and wants me to take her, and this morning she went off weeping. It is most distressing. She also tells her teacher that she can’t do anything, whereas she can write letters and figures.

How can I encourage her to take part in things? We are weary of trying to do so. She has an awful habit of saying, ‘I can’t do it,’ when actually she is normally bright and intelligent. I feel we ‘nag’ at her too much, and yet it is difficult not to say, for instance, ‘But Christine, you must try. Now, next time you will do it, won’t you? ‘etc., etc. I took her to a dancing class. The first time she was pleased to go, but the second time she burst into tears when I was leaving the class. It is all very trying. I’ve never met a child quite so nervous (or whatever it is). In fact, I see nothing but happy little things who seem to have no qualms over anything. 

I have from babyhood brought her up to be independent, and yet she seems to cling more to me than most children do to their mothers. Christine is an only child, and has no little playmates. I am anxious to find some for her, but I know she won’t make any friends at school nor be asked out to tea. She is such a ‘bad mixer.’ I am sorry for her, and yet she does ‘play me up’ and has got into a bad habit of arguing and finding fault with anything new (clothes for instance) or anything I tell her to do. I did mention to the kindergarten mistress that Christine has what I think is an ‘inferiority complex’ when other children are about., especially if they can do things better than she can, but I do not want to worry her again. I have a dread of being a ‘worrying mamma’, as one always feels teachers have enough children in school. 

This seems a terrible ramble, but sometimes I feel so weary over this ‘nervousness’ of my little girl’s. We’ve had it for five years, and she seems to be no better. Must we help her a lot with games and lessons so as to give her complete confidence? Must I tell her she must try and do things at school and talk to the other children and make friends? I suppose not the latter, but I hope you will help me.” 

I wonder whether you have not always worried too much about your little girl’s shyness and pressed her too hard to play with other children? You don’t say whether she had other children to play with in India, and I suppose it is likely she had not as many little friends there as most children in England have. You will perhaps have seen from other letters in these columns how common it is for children of three, or four and five years of age to be very shy of other children and cling to grown-ups instead of playing with others. Now, if when this attitude appears in a child we immediately start pressing the child to join in with the others, either urging the child in a friendly way or reproaching her and saying she must, this invariably ends in making the child ten times more frightened of the other children. It is always a mistake to fuss over a shy or nervous child and try to compel her to be sociable. If one leaves her quite alone about it, just lets her watch the other children playing happily, ninety-nine times out of a hundred the child will, before long, be playing just as happily as the others. By standing in a corner and watching the other children and seeing what happens they learn spontaneously that there is nothing to be frightened of and that the other children all look happy and jolly and will not bite or fight. And thus, they are gradually drawn in, today a little, tomorrow more, until they are as friendly and unselfconscious as the majority. But if we press them when they are in the grip of their first fear of strange children or if we make them feel our disapproval as well as this normal fear of other children, then we make their emotional burden overwhelming, and they can do nothing but cling and to us all the more.
Now, it does seem to me that you are more than half ready to agree with me that this has happened with Christine. I know how hard it is not to feel chagrined when your own little child bursts into tears instead of dancing, but really one cannot force sociability and independence. What I should be inclined to do in your circumstances is simply to take no notice of the child’s tears when you leave her in the kindergarten class; just speak cheerfully to her without urging or reproaching: leave her firmly there, and then let the normal atmosphere of a happy school life do its ordinary work with her. If the teacher is an experienced person as I presume she is, she will have had other children like Christine before, and she will know how to deal with her. I quite agree with you that it is much better, once having made one’s choice of school and teacher not to be a ‘worrying mamma’. It is not only better for the teacher’s sake, but is much better for the child’s sake. The child has a greater chance of becoming independent if you really leave her alone in the school atmosphere and let her be independent. If you yourself interfere or give the child a sense that you are always watching to see if she is really independent, then she cannot be, and really you are not allowing her to be. 

I don’t think you can be certain that she won’t make any friends at school. it seems to me quite possible that she may after a little time, if you don’t enquire too much from her about what she has done, whether she has played with the other children, and so-on. I would not question her about things that happen in the school, but let her feel that it really is her won world. I think I would not say anymore to the teacher about Christine’s “inferiority complex,” because that will make Christine feel that you are giving her a bad name beforehand, and expecting her not to do well. It would be far better really to let her find her own feet. So with the dancing class, I should take her there and leave her, disregarding her tears, and leave it to the teacher and other children to get over the initial nervousness and shyness. The tears really don’t much matter, they do no special harm, and she is pretty sure to get over them with growth and experience. After all, it is in itself a pretty big experience for a child whose life has been spent in India, and she needs time to get adjusted to it. but a confident attitude on your part, and a self-denying ordinance in the way of not asking questions about what happens in school will, I think, be sure to help her to become really independent of you and to find her feet amongst other children.