July 1939, in Home and School "Readers' Questions’"
“N." writes, "May I tell you about a pupil of mine, aged 9, about whom her mother and `I are worried.
When she was seven she had scarlet fever. Before this she was very fond of a lady, living with her mother, a widow. This friend was devoted to the child. While the latter was in hospital, the mother and friend visited her, and the child suddenly said to the lady, “Go away, I hate you, I hope I shall never see you again.” … On return home, she was very rude to her behind her mother’s back. Her brother reported this to the mother, who stopped the rudeness. Then she refused to speak, and left the room as soon as the friend came in.
They meet in the holidays, and nothing, neither pleadings, arguments nor scoldings, alters her attitude in the slightest, and it makes for unhappiness in the home.
At school, she is, on the whole, normal. When she first came, for a week or two, she refused to do work for one mistress, but her form mistress spoke to her, and since she has done quite good work. She has ability, and works quite easily with girls of 10 and 11 years, with no strain.
After the attack of scarlet fever she began to stammer. This worries me, though I find that it is the result of self-consciousness. In general, with the children she does not stammer, but if she comes into my study, or if, at home visitors question her, it becomes pronounced. I cannot help feeling that this may be due, in part, to the state of things between the friend and herself.
She says she still likes her, but persists in not speaking and it makes unhappiness in the home.
At school she is happy and longs to come back after the holidays. Is it possible for scarlet fever (not a very serious attack) to cause a kink? There seems to be no reason for the sudden change of feeling during the attack.
If you can help the mother and myself with your advice, or with any explanation, we shall be grateful.
It is certainly not easy to surmise from your account of this little girl’s problem what the cause of her hatred of the mother’s friend may be. It is obviously a very complicated relationship with so many different strands of feeling. To begin with, isn’t it likely that when she was ill and away in hospital the child became suddenly jealous of the friend in her home and living with her mother, when she could not be there? There may have been occasions of jealousy before, and the stress of illness and being separated from her mother brought it to the surface. Perhaps if the child’s rudeness had been handled with a little more sense of proportion and not so much had been made of it would not have developed and become so serious.
And what a pity it was to allow her brother to tell tales about her to her mother! It is surely always a mistake to reproach one child on report of another, or to encourage children to tell tales in this way. It was bound to make the child feel that everyone was against her. And surely it is absurd to imagine that one can make a child like another person by scolding or argument or pleading. Such methods would not make a grown-up person like a person to whom they felt adverse feelings would it? There must be some reason for this dislike. I do not mean necessarily a justified reason, but a reason in the child’s mind. Is the lady a paying guest, and does she have to live with the family to augment the income? Is so, then the child may be guilty and unhappy about mother needing this. Or perhaps she wishes it were her father there and not another woman.
On the other hand, there may really be something in the friend’s attitude or behaviour which is not altogether free from blame. I cannot tell what the facts are, but from all that you say it does rather look to me as if from the beginning it had been assumed that the child was not merely in the wrong, but very badly in the wrong. Perhaps mountains have been made out of molehills, and the child cannot now retreat!
You are surely right in feeling that the child’s occasional stammer is connected with her feelings of conflict and strain about her mother and her mother’s friend. I would strongly advise that the child should not be worried about the situation. If the friend wishes to go on living in the family, she should be willing to put up some extent with the idiosyncrasies of the other members of the family. Perhaps if she minded less, the child would like her better. If we show excessive pain and distress when children make occasional rude remarks, this only makes them more guilty, and therefore more hostile and hard-hearted to us. And after all, children cannot always be expected to like all the people that their parents do! Mothers do not always like the child’s friends, so why should the child be expected to show affection and esteem for all the mother’s friends? I do not mean that real rudeness should go unrebuked, but to rebuke rudeness is one thing and to demand active liking is another. The child probably refrains from talking because she is afraid that if she did she might express unacceptable feelings.
As she is so happy in school and getting on well with her work, there does not seem any reason to think that her social relationships as a whole are anti-social. I would certainly think that a little more cooperation from the friend was required. But in any case I would think it better not to worry the child about this matter at all, as it has certainly been allowed to get out of proportion. After all, if we want children to like us we have to deserve the liking!
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