This "funny business" of dreams, 1934 - and more. Three letters: dreams, going on holiday leaving the children at home and advice to a mother worried about her sensitive son.

June 27, 1934 in Nursery World

This funny business

is what a little boy with a wise nurse calls his dreams and mind pictures at night

The first letter I am quoting this week will be helpful to those of my correspondent who have had little children waking up and crying in the night. Not every child would be able to say what his bad dreams were, but it is a method always worth trying and would bring relief to a great many children, because it helps the child to feel that he is not alone in his frightening phantasies. He finds comfort in the fact that other people “see things” as well as himself. 

“Peter’s Nanny” writes, “It was most interesting to read in last week’s issue of Nursery World ‘The Hempie’s’ problem in your page, as I had a very similar case, and I wondered if my experience would be of any use to her. I have three charges, all very healthy and fit but Peter, the second one, is inclined to be a little excitable and nervous, and he had the same habit as ‘Hempie’s’ little boy, that of waking up and calling. I used to find him out on the landing and calling for me and when I asked him what he was calling for he would not answer. Talking, coaxing, etc., were of no avail. He would also sob for fully three-quarters of an hour, which was most trying, as he always awakened baby, as well as exhausting himself. I tried lots of your methods, which I have found very helpful, such as leaving a night light on all the time – one of those friendly little cottage ones with the windows and door showing the light. I left the door open and told him I was just in the room next to him and he would be all right, but it didn’t seem to improve at all, until one night in desperation I wondered if he was worrying over something. I asked him if he had been dreaming, but he said ‘no, he didn’t dream, but when he opened his eyes and put his head under the covers he saw lots of funny pictures.’ I then explained to him that it was called imagination, and that his brain was still busy doing some work, ‘Is it only my brain doing work at night nanny?” he asked, I told him, “No. many people’s do, including mine, and then told him some of the things I had imagined I had seen. When he found out that someone besides himself knew about ‘this funny business’ as he called it, he was quite interested and talked about it a lot. Now we have no more night walks, but a very cheerful little boy who, announces every morning. “Nanny, do you know who I saw at the pictures last night?’” 

My second letter, too, is one that will be helpful to other correspondents, since it shows that the question of the mother leaving a child for a time can be handled in such a way as to prevent its being a shock to her.

            “R. M.” writes: “A little while ago several mothers wrote to you asking your advice about leaving their children behind, while they and their husbands were on holiday, and I wondered if our experience would help them. Our little girl is two-and-a-half years old and my husband and I left her, recently, for five days and had no upset whatever. We took her and our maid, of whom she is very fond, down to her Granny’s, and we were all there over the weekend. We didn’t mention the fact that we were leaving her until we said goodbye and then, instead of saying, as we usually do, ‘We shall be back for tea,’ we just said, ‘We are going on the train, we shan’t be back tonight, but will come back on Saturday; take care of Granny and Grandpa for us won’t you?’ (she knows the names of the days but not, of course, their order). She came and waved goodbye to us, as we went off in the car to the station, perfectly happy and understanding that we would be back one day soon. My mother never had a tear, not did the child ask for us once. When we came back she was very glad to see us, of course, but there were no fears when bedtime came that we should disappear again. In fact, so little was she upset that she came and waved goodbye to us a day or two later when we all went out in the car and had to leave her behind, without the slightest unhappiness. 

            “I am sure that one important thing is for the parents to be quite sure themselves that the child will be quite happy, and not have an atmosphere of doubt and fear about them. Also, to tell the child they will not be back for a few days, so that she is not left wondering why they are not there and if they will ever come back. One other point which I’m sure helped S. was that she slept with my maid from the beginning of the visit, so she didn’t miss us in her room.”

“A.H.” writes: “I should be so glad if you would give me some help with regard to my only child, “John,’ of two years eight months, who seems to have developed a nervous terror of other children. he has several little playmates now – all older than himself – with whom he often plays very happily without the slightest trouble. But there is one little boy – a year older than himself – whom he visits sometimes in the afternoons and on those occasions, he does nothing but weep at the slightest thing. He is rather inclined to give way to tears when anything upsets him, but as a rule he is a very happy child, always ready for a joke and very healthy; but on these afternoons he is a misery. I know this little pal teases him (he is a fearless little boy – altogether in advance of my John) and I am wondering if his nerves just ‘give way’ to make him howl so. He is nervous as a sudden, sharp reprimand will often make him weep. And yet, I want him to grow up manly and he must learn to ‘mix’ with others and put up with ragging one day, so what is the best course to adopt? Another mother tells me that she herself remembers sufferings agonies as a child through constant teasing. 

“I have tried being severe and I have ignored his outbursts, but both treatments seem to make him worse. Daddy calls him a ‘baby,’ and so do a good many other people, but I don’t think he likes this taunt, for it has the effect of doubling his howls. I cannot understand it as he used to play quite happily with this particular little boy in the winter. He has also shown is fear of other children sometimes – for instance, yesterday a small toddler went up to him in the street and he immediately howled. Later I walked home with a friend and her son of three and a half. John cried off and on the whole way home and immediately after leaving them, was shouting and laughing. He once saw this boy smacked by his mother and then wept bitterly and I am wondering if he was afraid of the same thing happening.  

“The whole thing is most perplexing, and everyone loses patience with him, for myself. I feel a nervous wreck at the end of one of his ‘special’ afternoons! Otherwise, he is friendly with everybody – frequently says ‘Hallo’ to anyone who takes his fancy in the street, and will readily enter into conversation with them on trains or buses, etc. I am afraid both my husband and I are sensitive; and I, myself, am sometimes nervous with other people for no reason whatever; also, a little sympathy from others helps me, where a cold, hard manner would fail to make me pull myself together. Is John like me? Please help me to help him – he won’t get sympathy from ‘the world”. 

I quite agree that one doesn’t want to make a child altogether dependent upon getting sympathy and friendliness from other people, but to try to force hardiness upon a sensitive child so young as your boy does not as a rule really help him. You cannot force things with the child emotionally any more than you can in the matter of his diet. It is just as useless to try to compel a tiny child to behave as sensibly and independently as an older one, as it would be to try to compel him to eat solid food before he cut any teeth. If a child of two years and eight months has been seriously teased by a vigorous boy a year older than himself, it is not surprising that he is nervous and scared of meeting such a child. I should try to avoid his meeting this particular child very often and let him have more time with other playmates who do not tease him. He will learn to put up with “ragging” later on and all the better if he does not have too much of it when he is too young to understand it. What is more likely to happen if he learns to bear it now is that he will soon be doing it himself to children younger than himself! I should try and find him playmates with whom he can have a happier relation during the next year or two. Most sensitive children of under four develop quite hardily by the time they are eight or ten, provided their experiences have not been too severe in the early years; and since your boy has such feelings of friendliness in the ordinary way there is no need to fear that he will get excessively shy and nervous. It is really very unwise to have all the grown-ups taunting a little child as young as this for not being able to stand teasing from one who is a year older. It really willturn him into a “baby,” if you allow it to go on in that way; whereas a matter-of-fact defence of the child, not giving him fussy sympathy but simply avoiding the situation, would help him to get a little tougher.   

            

About Boys, 1933 – Ursula Wise is aggrieved at the brutal treatment of this child and says that it is not easy to give any specific advice as the whole attitude of the grown-ups needs to be changed, from the bottom upwards.

April 26, 1933 in Nursery World

About Boys

"M. S.” writes: “I am writing to ask your help in a point concerning one of my little boys. I must first let you know as much as I can about the little family. I have been married for nine years and have five little ones, four of whom are boys and one little girl. The little girl is the next to the youngest. We have a small modern house and garden. I keep a trained nurse and general maid. My second little boy, since he was quite small, has been regarded by my husband as the black sheep – he was very cross and troublesome as a baby, and seemed more so perhaps than he really was, as his older brother was a model child. Aljon now is six years old, and all along from one birthday to the next seems to be in hot water. He is for ever doing the most mischievous things and tells the truth about nothing. He absolutely tells lies from morning til night, and seems quite pleased with himself if left with the maid or nurse for a punishment. His Daddy has thrashed him really hard with a cane several times, so hard that I have had to go into another room, shut the door and put my hands to my ears. I dread hearing him cry so much. He speaks rather badly, I mean pronounces his words too quickly, and I think it is nervousness, but his Daddy says he will not take the trouble and it is laziness. He goes with his older brother to a large public school, and the teacher says he is not inclined to learn and fidgets constantly. 

            “I am the eldest of a large family, and my father spoilt my brothers and always showed a preference for the boys on all occasions. One turned out quite a black sheep, and my husband constantly reminds me Aljon is going to be like him and that I am going to have great trouble with him when he breaks up. He is a dear little chap in other ways, and ever so sweet with the boy and girl younger than himself, but seems to be in awe of his older brother as something he could never arrive at.”

I am grieved to hear that Aljon’s father has thrashed him in this way. It seems a clear demonstration, doesn’t it, that this sort of treatment of the boy has no educational value, since it has made no difference to the boy’s behaviour. It is really of no more value to the child than the spoiling that your own brothers received. What such a vigorous, mischievous child needs is, first of all, a positive, constructive line of education, in which he is given real responsibility and real activity. I wonder whether it is not possible that, from the very beginning, you have given him too little responsibility and gone too much on the lines of making him obedient and quiet, instead of training him to do things for himself and become really independent? When a child cannot learn, and is fidgety and speaking badly, it really means nothing at all to say that is “laziness.” Laziness is not a simple, innate quality, uncaused and unchangeable. It is in itself a mode of reaction to the world, which issues from psychological conflict. It is a very excellent means of defence against a world that thrashes one and shows that it believes that one is nothing better than a “black sheep”; “give a dog a bad name and hang him.”

The Young Musician, 1935 - Ursula Wise highlights the importance of not dulling a child’s interest

 March 27, 1935 in Nursery World

The Young Musician 

A little boy who is quite exceptionally gifted musically is the subject of one of this week’s letters

“Michael’s Mummy” writes: “We have been much interested in your articles for years now, at last, I am writing myself. This is not exactly a problem, but I should be very glad to have your advice and perhaps to know if this is a usual thing in children. My little boy of just six is always at the piano. He has never been taught anything, and does not even know the names of the notes, yet he can pick out and play really well any tune he knows of hears on the wireless. He just gets the tune in the right hand, then works at the left until he has got perfect chords. He always plays in absolute correct time, and can transpose a tune into any key, putting in sharps and flats. He also plays a lovely ‘Amen’ when finishing any tune, with chord in both hands. He has himself composed two little tunes which I have written down, they are in perfect 4/4 and 2/4 time. I should be so interested to know if this is usual or quite natural. I do not want him to learn music yet as he is very intelligent, and I think has enough brain work at school in the mornings. The piano playing is simply a game at present. I should be very much pleased if you would tell me what you think and whether he should be taught anything yet? I may add that he sings quite sweetly in perfect tune and time.”

Michael is certainly gifted beyond the ordinary in music. A great many children of twice his age could barely succeed in doing what he can do, and since he has accomplished all tis spontaneous development, it is clear that music is with him a very special gift. I certainly think it would be good to let him have some musical training, but it would be extremely important with such a child to get a really good teacher. It would be a tragedy if he got into the hands of anyone who would dull his interest and lose the opportunity which the child’s gifts offer. The teaching should be simply a way of enriching the boy’s experience and his means of delight. But it would be a pity not to develop such a gift to the fullest extent. 

Mountains out of Molehills, 1939 – Susan Isaacs advocates for the child stating that her difficulty needs to be handled with a sense of proportion.

July 1939, in Home and School "Readers' Questions’"

         

        “N." writes, "May I tell you about a pupil of mine, aged 9, about whom her mother and `I are worried.

            When she was seven she had scarlet fever. Before this she was very fond of a lady, living with her mother, a widow. This friend was devoted to the child. While the latter was in hospital, the mother and friend visited her, and the child suddenly said to the lady, “Go away, I hate you, I hope I shall never see you again.” … On return home, she was very rude to her behind her mother’s back. Her brother reported this to the mother, who stopped the rudeness. Then she refused to speak, and left the room as soon as the friend came in.

            They meet in the holidays, and nothing, neither pleadings, arguments nor scoldings, alters her attitude in the slightest, and it makes for unhappiness in the home.

            At school, she is, on the whole, normal. When she first came, for a week or two, she refused to do work for one mistress, but her form mistress spoke to her, and since she has done quite good work. She has ability, and works quite easily with girls of 10 and 11 years, with no strain.

            After the attack of scarlet fever she began to stammer. This worries me, though I find that it is the result of self-consciousness. In general, with the children she does not stammer, but if she comes into my study, or if, at home visitors question her, it becomes pronounced. I cannot help feeling that this may be due, in part, to the state of things between the friend and herself.

            She says she still likes her, but persists in not speaking and it makes unhappiness in the home.

            At school she is happy and longs to come back after the holidays. Is it possible for scarlet fever (not a very serious attack) to cause a kink? There seems to be no reason for the sudden change of feeling during the attack. 

            If you can help the mother and myself with your advice, or with any explanation, we shall be grateful.

            It is certainly not easy to surmise from your account of this little girl’s problem what the cause of her hatred of the mother’s friend may be. It is obviously a very complicated relationship with so many different strands of feeling. To begin with, isn’t it likely that when she was ill and away in hospital the child became suddenly jealous of the friend in her home and living with her mother, when she could not be there? There may have been occasions of jealousy before, and the stress of illness and being separated from her mother brought it to the surface. Perhaps if the child’s rudeness had been handled with a little more sense of proportion and not so much had been made of it would not have developed and become so serious.