September 27, 1933 in The Nursery World
The Second Child
The best way of preparing the only child for the advent of a small brother or sister, and of helping him to deal with the situation is discussed this week
“Prospice” writes:-
“I have read your page for some years now, and I am writing to you for assistance in preventing, if possible, a problem form arising. I have a thoroughly healthy and normal son of two, and in October he is to have a brother or sister; so far he has had no warning, as I doubt whether he can cast his mind very far into the future at the moment – he has never been called upon to do so – and I did not want to put any unusual strain on him. I shall have to be away from home for at least three weeks, and he will be left at home with my sister, the two maids who he has always known and liked, and the Daddy he adores; he is extremely busy and interested always and I have no doubt that he will miss me very little; he will also come to see me very often. Will you advise me as to the best way of introducing him to the idea of my absence and the simultaneous acquisition of a baby? I, perforce, do almost everything for him, but he has been accustomed to other people’s bathing him sometimes, and to being left in charge of other people on occasion for the greater part of the day; I have always been very careful to avoid his being too dependent on me. He is immensely interested in and pleased with babies, and gets on well with other children. He has had a room of his own from being a tiny baby, but comes in to us for a short time each morning, a custom I shall not stop; for some time I have not used for him any of the things the new baby will use, but I shall have to use his nursery for the baby’s toilet etc. He has breakfast apart from us, but lunch and tea with us, if we are in. I found that, as soon as he could feed himself, he enjoyed his meals so much more with us than alone, and he sits in his high chair and is no trouble at all, except for a natural desire to show off a little if anyone else happens to be there. He has had a period of difficulty over his morning sleep, but goes perfectly willingly now, and the perennial question of cleanliness is with us, but that seems such a normal abnormality that I have ceased to worry about it, and we are both quite calm and regretful when things go wrong; I feel sure it will right itself. He is affectionate , but not demonstrative, very happy and philosophical, tremendously active and full of curiosity about everything; he has always been given outlets for his energy and allowed to help about the house when he wished to. I know that the arrival of a baby will make no difference to his routine, and I have no intention of ceasing to give him the attention he has been used to; that will be no strain as he is fiercely independent and has no desire for assistance in his play, beyond requesting me to show him a book occasionally. It is because things have gone so comparatively smoothly with him – I don’t wish you to think he is a model, because he is not – that I am particularly anxious to deal with the coming baby in a way that will not seriously disturb his equilibrium, and I feel it is more sensible to ask your help now about the staging of the event, than when the damage is done.”
It sounds to me as if things were specially favourable for your little boy with regard to the crisis that is awaiting him, since he is already so independent and sensible, and in addition will be taken care of by his aunt and his father and the maids with whom he is familiar and at ease. He should be able to get over the critical time of your absence with the minimum of difficulty. Nevertheless, it is bound to be a crisis for him. Even with all this favourable background, the first absence of his mother, coupled with the sudden appearance of a little rival, cannot help but be disturbing. That is to say, it creates a new situation for him which is not likely he will be able to adjust to all at once. It is better to be prepared for a certain amount of emotional upheaval as a natural and inevitable consequence of such a fundamental change in his life. But with the help which you have already given him in your planning of arrangements and previous training in independent interests it is very likely that he will be able to make the necessary adjustments fairly readily. The most favourable point is, of course, that he is already very interested and attracted by babies.
