June 4th, 1930 in The Nursery World
A Child’s Point of View
“Puzzled” writes: “I have read with great interest your answers to others in difficulty, and would be so grateful to have your opinion of mine. My little charge, aged four and a quarter, is a highly strung, nervous child. I find fault as little as possible, but when she has to be corrected, she has a most puzzling way of behaving. For instance, if I tell her in a very serious voice I am very displeased she will come to me a few minutes afterwards and say, ‘It is not nice of you to speak to me like that. Now I am very displeased and I am looking very cross!’ On one occasion she called me to look at something. I replied I would soon come but was very busy just then, consequently afterwards I found a very offended little mortal. I tried to make her understand that to get cross when I was unable to come was not right or reasonable.
A few days afterwards when I called her, she kept me waiting; when I said that she ought to come when Nannie called, she replied with great firmness that she had been very busy showing something to her dog, and if she did not come I ought not to be displeased over it. She evidently feels that if I express displeasure, she is entitled to do likewise, and also that if I can offer a reason for not going when called, she can do the same. If she happens to fall, she will generally hit the floor hard with obvious bad temper which seems mingled with hurt feelings. She is generally responsive to reason and persuasion where she loves. Will you please tell me how best to manage her with regard to these little difficulties?”
This is a very interesting problem, and one not easy for a busy grown-up, who has to get on with practical necessities to deal with. But it is by no means an uncommon reaction in children of high intelligence and a certain sensitive temperament. In finding out how best to deal with it, I think one has first of all to recognise that there is a certain amount of reason and justice in the child’s point of view. It isn’t just perversity, it is in part a real attempt to understand the moral values and intentions of adults. The child is reflecting upon what you have said to her, and trying to get the inside point of view about what you think unreasonable, or what you disapprove of. But, also, she is defending her dignity. It is painful to her to be subject to the judgement of other people, and by saying the same things to you she is trying to get her balance again and to get away from the painfulness of being small and dependent. To be so very sensitive does not make for social ease, and one cannot but feel sorry for children who find it so painful to be corrected. She may grow out of it to some extent, of course, particularly when she mixes with other children at school.
I think there are three ways of helping her. One cannot, of course, altogether avoid having to show that one doesn’t approve of certain kinds of behaviour. Nor would it in the end help her if you avoided her correction when it was really needed. But one should admit to the full whatever justice there is in her point of view. As far as is really practicable, one should be as polite and considerate to the child as one expects the child to be to others. one should not cut across her play, for instance, unless tis really cannot be avoided. It is no good expecting such a child to be a model of automatic and unreasoning obedience, because she is simply not capable of being that, and to try to make her so would only cause deep resentment. It would help her very much, for instance, to explain how much depends upon your being able to get on with your work, and to talk this out without her reproach.
Another help you can give her is the utmost good humour! Such a child often suffers from a lack of the sense of humour. She takes herself too seriously, and if one can get her to laugh a little at her own tremendous wish to be as important and as morally powerful as the grown-ups, it does help her development. I don’t mean you must laugh at her. One would need to go very gently indeed. But I have found that when children feel the need to assume this great self-importance, one can ease things a little by a friendly good-humoured smile or laughter, in one’s voice, or the sort that is with the child not at her.
And the third form of help is undoubtedly plenty of the society of other children of her age. Active play with other children would probably help to lessen her special sensitivity a little, and to give her more confidence in herself, and therefore greater ease and a better sense of proportion.
