July 2, 1930 in The Nursery World
Displaced
The letter this week deals with the emotional crisis faced by first children with the arrival of a new baby
“Petal” writes: “I should much appreciate your advice about my little daughter, now aged twenty-two months. I have just returned home after three weeks absence in a nursing home where my baby son was born. Since my return Audrey seems to whine and cry - real sobs and tears- if things are not quite to her liking, and if I bring her into the drawing room to see visitors we have quite an outburst. She has always been very shy, and would not go to strangers even when quite a baby, but I thought she was getting a little better. She is very conservative, and does not like any new experiences, new toys or new faces, and she took some days before she would come near the new baby, but she is now very interested in him and not the least bit jealous. I had not been with her a great deal for some months, so she has not felt my absence.
“Ordinarily she is a cheerful, happy little person, and sits in her pen quite contentedly chatting to her toys, so she has not been spoilt or been the centre of attention. In fact I wonder whether I have kept her too quiet. We live in a very quiet country village, and do not have many visitors, but the grannies and the aunts I think ought not to pander to her idiosyncrasies, but I cannot make her if she does not want to. She is quite all right with people she knows, and not so bad with young people, but elderly people - usually large and dressed in dark garments - seem to inspire her with dread. I may say that my husband and I are very reserved people and do not shine in company, while I also was a very shy little girl, so do you think the trouble is hereditary? It used to not to be so bad when Audrey just sat speechless on my lap, as she usually brightened up sooner or later, but now she clutches me tightly and sobs, and I usually have to send her out of the room.
“I shall be most grateful for your advice, as it seems such a problem. She is perfectly healthy and most independent in other ways.”
I don’t think there can be any doubt that the new baby is the immediate cause of the whining. Even though the child does not show jealousy in any open way, her querulousness is but a sign of the great effort she is making to deal with the situation. However careful and tender mother is, the little newcomer is bound to cause jealous fears in the older child, and the fact that your little girl would not come near the baby for some time suggests how strong this was. It will take her a little time to accept that the baby brother wholeheartedly, but as her direct interest in him develops, and as she finds that your won affection for her is as sure and warm as always, things will become a little easier for her.
But just for the present I should certainly not force her to see visitors who distress her. She is sure to be rather more sensitive all round just now, and to fear every sort of change even more than she normally does. You want her to grow out of such excessive shyness, of course, but she is more likely to do so if she is not forced to meet people who have no intrinsic appeal to her, or those who seem frightening to her - even if her fear does seem silly and unreasonable to other people themselves. I should choose rather carefully the grown-up friends who I did bring her in to see, and should arrange to send her out for a walk when someone was coming to the house of whom I thought she probably would be frightened. If she can make one or two really good friends among grown-ups, and her circle is gradually increased, she will gradually lose her fears and shyness and become more at ease. If, however, you insist upon her seeing anybody and everybody, including those who frighten her, the outburst of fear and crying must tend to make her worse rather than better, as she is bound to feel ashamed and unhappy about it afterwards. And as the nervous ones among us grown-ups know, it isn’t easy to feel happy and at home when we meet again people with whom we have already been social failures! Failure makes for failure, and nothing succeeds like success! So, I should go slowly, and let her have a few really happy and agreeable friends among the grown-ups. After all, she is no more than a baby herself yet!
And if a situation arises in which you can hardly avoid her being brought in to see someone whom you know she does not feel at home with, I should let it be no more than a greeting, and send her back to play again after the briefest possible time.
