The Effects of Change, 1936: a parent wants some wisdom on how long it is safe for a mother to be separated from her baby.

January 15, 1936 in The Nursery World 

The Effects of Change 

“V.L.C.” writes: “I should be so grateful of your advice in my particular case. I have a little boy of fourteen months old whom I have looked after entirely myself, with the help of a little maid of fifteen who is very good with him. I left him last week for the first time with his grandmother (whom he adores) to look after him. He was quite happy and good during the day but gave her terrible nights, often being awake from 10 p.m. until 2 a.m. He is sleeping quite all right again now I am home. But I wish to go abroad for a month in February. I can leave baby with perfect confidence with mother and my little maid, but mother refuses to have the responsibility of him without a proper nannie. I would like this also except that I am afraid that to put him in the charge of a stranger will upset him very much. I would so much like your advice. Would it be better to have a trained nannie for a month, or to leave to the rather uncertain mercies of my little maid, who is very fond of him and of whom he is very fond? I cannot quite make out from your various letters and answers how much a change like this is likely to upset a child. It is only for a day or two, or is it likely to have a far-reaching effect?”

I confess that I should not myself want to leave a little boy of fourteen months, who has shown himself so disturbed by parting from you at night, for a month. One cannot say how much emotional disturbance will be involved. It is certainly more likely to have a far-reaching effect than to be a purely temporary thing, lasting a day or two. But it is perfectly true that some children would not suffer any permanent ill effect, whereas others would. I cannot tell you which would be so in the case of your little boy, and you alone can decide whether the reasons for going abroad for a month are good enough to justify putting this particular strain on a child of his age. A year later it would be a different matter, but at fourteen months to part with one’s mother for a whole month is a very big experience, which I myself and a good many other people wold not feel justified in imposing on a child, without very good reasons. If you do, I think you certainly ought to have not only a trained nurse for the child, but a very good one, one who would be really patient and understanding about him and would know how to win his love. And she would have to give him the comfort in the night that he needs, not to treat him sternly and strictly. I certainly would not want to put on a little girl of fifteen the enormous responsibility of managing the child satisfactorily without you. It is one thing for her to look after him when you are there, and another for her to have to deal with every emergency when you are not there to take the responsibly.

Keeping children safe: undated. Ursula Wise advises about teaching a healthy level of what is real danger without making the child more fearful.

Undated and untitled - found  typed in Susan Isaacs's archive. 

"R.P." writes: “Miss Wise has been so helpful in solving other people’s problems that I should be so grateful for her advice about some commonplace difficulties in the life of an otherwise happy little girl of two and a half. Contrasting with her love of dogs, cows and horses, M. has an evident fear of owls and pigs. This is perhaps natural, as she can hear the owls at night as they hunt for their supper (I have seen them fly close to the nursery window), and they certainly make strange noises, of which I have known some grown-ups be afraid. There are also some very large pigs on the farms around here, and it is quite an adventure for a two-year-old to meet one of these unexpectedly. Every evening she reassures herself by asking, ‘Owls, piggies won’t hurt me?’ and ‘Owls, piggies won’t hurt dear daddy?’ etc. There it ends; but I don’t think she is sure even yet that they are harmless. Her love of dogs is another problem; mongrel, puppy, whelp and hound are all treated as lifelong friends and patted accordingly. she sometimes says, ‘Not stroke strange doggies,’ but the memory of a two-year-old is short. The other day she wanted to ‘go in a field, stroke big horses, then them purr’. I’m afraid my courage was not equal to this. 

“How can on teach a child to have a healthy fear of real danger? Traffic is another difficulty. There is not so much in the country, but it tends to go even faster, and is just as real a danger as in town. M. is very good except when suddenly interested in something across the road, when she still forgets and dashes off without warning. Is there any way of teaching implicit obedience about traffic dangers without curbing a toddler’s freedom? M. is beginning to obey commands fairly well now, except when specially absorbed in something. Thanks to various suggestions in ‘The Nursery World’, we are never at a loss for occupations, and seldom have any trouble with ‘mischief’ or ‘naughtiness’ in the short time we are indoors.”

It is very understandable that your little girl should be rather afraid of the owls and pigs, and the only thing that can help her out of this is her constant sense that you are not afraid of them and her growing familiarity with them. As regards the dogs, one certainly has to train a child gently not to approach too readily a quite strange dog, but nevertheless one wants to do this in a way that will not cause an unreasonable fear of dogs in general. The best way is not to speak sharply or frighteningly in warning, or say that dogs are rather dangerous, but to tell the child quietly that some dogs are rather cross and don’t always like little children to touch them. As you say, the memory of a two-year-old is very short, and you can’t expect the child to be able to check her friendly impulses very easily. The only solution here is careful supervision. The idea of the big horses purring when they were stroked is a delightful phantasy. 

To teach appreciation of real danger to little children is not very easy, as they have so little effective knowledge to go upon. With regard to the traffic, the only solution again is careful watching by the grown-up. There is no way of teaching implicit obedience about traffic danger, except by frightening or punishing a child in a way that would be seriously harmful. The grown-ups have to take responsibility and safeguard the child while she is slowly learning to control her own impulse. One should, of course, take every opportunity of pointing out the risks of dashing across the road, and the need for care, but one cannot hope that quite little children will learn this lesson sufficiently to be entrusted with their own safety.