Through the Child’s Eyes, 1933 - Ursula wise clarifies the difference between spoiling a child and responding to their

November 1, 1933 in The Nursery World

Through the Child’s Eyes

Understanding of the child’s perception of events is very different from a mere spoiling of the child. The person who spoils a child never does understand his needs.  

“Two Kay” writes: “I was very interested in the letter from “Prospice” asking for advice about preparing her small son for the advent of another baby, and I wondered if you would care to pass on to her the following small hints? I have had the same problem and I thought out my plans beforehand and never had any trouble when the baby came. My small boy, at the age of fourteen months, showed great distress when he saw me holding a little niece in my arms and as my second baby was due in four months, I saw that great care would have to be taken if he were not to suffer greatly from jealousy. Your advice will help “Prospice” in all her general handling of the situation, but I venture to suggest two small points. During the first two or three visits of ex-baby to the nursing home, let him see the new baby in the cot or in the nurse’s arms; and let him nurse the baby for a moment if it is at all possible. Secondly, when he sees the baby in “Prospice’s” arms, if she keeps her eyes fixed on ex-baby, he will not feel cut off from her. This sounds an unimportant point, but I have found from experience that it is of great reassurance in those first anxious weeks. After all, when a mother looks down at a baby in her arms, they look so complete and so absorbed in each other, that any on-looker feels excluded. I do hope “Prospice,” whose little son sounds so charming, will be as happy with her two babies as I was and that when they grow a little older, they will mean as much to each other as mine do. “

These two points, which are likely to be very important to the older child on his first introduction to the new baby, seem to be extremely valuable suggestions. They are valuable, however, not only because of their specific importance but because they illustrate so clearly the possibility of appreciating the feelings of the little child from the inside. An understanding of the child’s perceptions of events, and the feelings that are bound to arise because of the way he perceives, is very different from a mere spoiling of the child, in the sense of indulgence or coddling. The person who “spoils” a child never does understand his needs. One of the essential features of spoiling is that the child’s less controllable emotions, anger, greed, jealousy, and so on, are stimulated by carelessness and unimaginativeness on the part of the grown-ups, and then the child is alternately indulged and thwarted in their expression. To base one’s treatment of the child on a real appreciation of his problems is quite a different affair.

Slow Development, 1931 - Ursula Wise helps a correspondent for the second time - offering the child positive suggestion and encouragement are her key points.

April 8, 1931 in The Nursery World

Slow development 

 “K.P.H.” writes: - “Sometime ago I wrote to you about my little charge, who is now three years and three months old, and I wish to thank you for your advice. I am very pleased to say that since then he has greatly improved; although he is still rather wilful, he is much more obedient, and will do things now with little fuss, so that for almost three months I have had no reason to shut him up alone in a room. Once again, I need your help, but this time I am worried about his being so backward. Of course, some children are not so clever as others, I know, and I must not forget to add that. ‘D.’ was very ill at the age of eight months and that same illness lasted until he was about eighteen months old, which, of course, put him back almost a year. (I was not with him then, but I have heard all about it from his Mummy and Daddy.) But even so, putting him back one year, he is still a backward, because a child of two says more than ‘D.’ He is just beginning to talk now and make short sentences. His Daddy suggests giving him about ten minutes’ ‘object lessons’ every day, and gradually working up until we get to the stage when he could be taught his alphabet. I am starting tomorrow, so must hope for the best possible results. The thing that distresses me most is the fact that he simply will not ask for attention. He is attended to at 6.30 a.m., 9 a.m., 12 noon, between 3 and 6 p.m., and at 10 pm., but if he does want anything between those times he will just walk round and round and up and down until someone happens to see him. If nobody is about he never thinks of coming in to ask (he won’t ask even if one is right next to him), and the result is fatal. I have tried any amount of ways to teach him to ask, but have found nothing that will succeed. My last effort has been to send him to the bathroom to attend to himself (this he can do perfectly well), thinking that perhaps in time he would go off by himself; but even that he has failed, and now I am puzzled as to what to do next. His bladder is not weak, and I’m very much afraid that it is laziness on his part. He can ask for things like milk and chocolates and toys – anything that is nice! – but I do hope you will be able to answer - your suggestions are so helpful. P.S. – it may interest your readers to know that I have had the same trouble with ‘D.’ and his small brother over hair-washing, but we have just recently overcome that fear by playing ‘wow-wows’ – having a bath, kneeling in the bath on hands and knees. I carefully soap, and rinse their hair, and they think it is great fun; barking and growling goes on all through the performance. I wonder if this one will help some mother or nanny with wee ones?” 

First, with regard to the question of backwardness. It does sometimes happen that an intelligent boy speaks very little at three years of age, so that I should not feel worried about it. On the other hand, I agree that everything should be done to stimulate his interest in the world and to foster any inquiring tendencies that he may happen to show. But I don’t think that definite “object-lessons” of any formalkind will be the best help. Free and lively talk about things you are yourself interested in, or things to which he shows any spontaneous attention will certainly be useful; for example, things you see on your walks together, flowers and animals, or motor cars and shops and people, or the child’s own playthings in the home and garden. I should share in his play and follow up any game that he starts, enjoying it with him, being ready to answer any questions, and in general letting him have as lively and free a companionship with you as you can possibly give him. But I should very definitely avoid anything formal or anything in the shape of lessons. Nor would it be desirable to introduce the alphabet for a year, or even two years to come. Let the child do things with his hands and find out by actual experience and actual play. He will then develop a wish to read and write in the normal course. 

As regards the other problem, I think your plan of training him to attend to himself is the best. But you cannot expect it to succeed in a short time. Nor can you expect any success with a frequent change of methods and motives. Trying different methods one after another is always bewildering to the child. But if you choose one that is sensible and reasonable and keep to it, he will in time get into the routine that you desire. As he can manage to attend to himself, that is surely the line to take. Now, I should train him to do this at the regular times that you say he is now attended to. And I should use those occasions for speaking of your admiration for his being able to look after himself now that he is getting such a big boy. At other times I should keep a look-out for the signs that you know indicate his need to go to the lavatory, and I should then say to him, “Wouldn’t it be a good thing to run off there before you make yourself uncomfortable?” If you avoid scolding or reproach, but continue steadily and unconcernedly using this method of positive suggestion and encouraging him to independence, he will respond to it.